The Praise Craze

News For SWIM  PARENTS Published by The American Swimming Coaches Association

Children are getting too much flattery and not enough moral instruction.

By Dan Mack

Even at age 12, Chris is a skilled basketball player. He scores at will for his recreational league team -- but he doesn't get many assists, because he's a ball hog. His teammates sulk during games, waiting for passes that never come. Parents watching from courtside aren't too pleased, either, except for Chris's stepfather, Mike, whose pleasure in the boy's performance is undimmed even when a parent complains to him about Chris's selfishness. Mike later confides to the father of another player that he's not going to talk to Chris about trying to be a more generous player. His stepson has a learning disability, Mike says, "and this is the only place where he can shine."

Mike didn't know it, but he was providing grist for his interlocutor's next book. Richard Weissbourd, a psychologist at Harvard's School of Education and the Kennedy School of Government, recounts the anecdote about Chris's over solicitous stepfather in "The Parents We Mean to Be." ("The Parents We Mean to Be," By Richard Weissbourd, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 241 pages, $25)  It is just one of many illustrative stories that Mr. Weissbourd has gathered over the past two decades. He and his assistants -- including two high-school students, who presumably had good rapport with other teenagers -- surveyed three Boston-area high schools, conducted focus groups, made "informal observations" of families in cities across the country, and interviewed sports coaches, teachers and mental-health professionals.

What did Mr. Weissbourd's research tell him? That nowadays "well-intentioned adults undermine children's moral and emotional development."  Parents have abandoned the "moral task" of rearing children, he says, and are more concerned about fostering their happiness than their goodness. Therapeutic interaction takes precedence over moral instruction; intimacy is maintained at the cost of authority.

"Blaming peers and popular culture lets adults off the hook," Mr. Weissbourd writes. "The parent-child relationship is at the center of the development of all the most important moral qualities, including honesty, kindness, loyalty, generosity, a commitment to justice, the capacity to think through moral dilemmas, and the ability to sacrifice for important principles."

Among the trends that Mr. Weissbourd finds particularly harmful is the fixation of parents on building "self-esteem" (the "praise craze," as he calls it). A psychologist he talks to tells him that by age 12 some children have been so over praised that they regard compliments as implicit criticism: Empty flattery must be compensating for their lack of talent or be meeting a need for extra encouragement. Other children become "praise sponges," Mr. Weissbourd says. In either case, he wonders, what's so great about self-esteem? "Though some violent children have high self-esteem, the self that is being esteemed is immature, incapable of empathy."

“Children's moral development is decided by many factors, including not only media and peer influences but their genetic endowment, birth order, gender, and how these different factors interact.”

                        Excerpt from "The Parents We Mean to Be"

Mr. Weissbourd is also dismayed by many parents who put subtle but unrelenting pressure on their children for academic and extracurricular achievement. He talks to a 16-year-old who says that his parents make an elaborate display of saying that his getting into a "high-status school" is not important to them, that they just want him to learn and be happy. "But then they pay for SAT prep courses and expensive college counselors," the boy says. "There's already huge pressure on me to achieve." Parental hypocrisy and insincerity do not constitute moral guidance.

Mr. Weissbourd rightly identifies the praise craze and the achievement obsession as a reflection of parental status anxiety. It seems that the more successful parents are, the more likely they are to worry about their children's possible failure to live up to that success. One of the author's most arresting contentions is that the children of immigrants "fare better than their American-born counterparts" in almost every measure of mental and moral health. American-born parents would have a lot to learn from immigrants, Mr. Weissbourd insists. They are comfortable with imposing authority and discipline, and they are optimistic about their children's future.

As a psychologist, Mr. Weissbourd is at his best when he analyzes the all too familiar phenomenon of the overzealous sports parent. In a high-school cafeteria, the author sat in on a meeting between about 30 parents and a sports consultant, who was warning them about becoming over involved. A parent raised his hand and made a confession: "I remember my son's last day playing youth soccer. The game was over, and I remember standing out on the field and thinking to myself: 'What am I going to do with my life?' " The first step toward moral education for kids, Mr. Weissbourd says, is for parents to separate their own needs from their children's and to start regarding parenthood as an opportunity for their own moral growth.

Good advice. But parental self-awareness is hardly more than a baby step on the path toward producing tomorrow's productive and caring adults. Mr. Weissbourd identifies some of the more daunting barriers to healthy enculturation -- among them the breakdown of the two-parent family and the decay of standards for public and private behavior -- but he never really gets beyond superficial solutions to these vexing social problems. Urging pediatricians to encourage fathers to attend their children's check-ups, or suggesting that ministers "ask noncustodial fathers how many times they have seen their child in the last month," is unlikely to convert legions of estranged fathers into engaged parents.

The methodology employed in "The Parents We Mean to Be" similarly does not inspire confidence. We hear about Mr. Weissbourd's interviews and surveys, but the book offers few quantitative results or analyses. Much of the evidence of parental incompetence is anecdotal -- even, as with the story of ball-hogging Chris and his stepfather, based on people that Mr. Weissbourd happened to run into. His stories will no doubt resonate with many readers -- who among us has not encountered an oppressively sports-minded father or an Ivy League-obsessed mother? -- but such vignettes do not add up to a firm sociological thesis.

Mr. Weissbourd also tends to gloss over the institutional failures that have driven many parents to passionate advocacy for their children: the failure of public schools, for example, to uphold high academic and behavioral standards. The influence of the media and celebrity culture on children's mores and material expectations is also far more profound than Mr. Weissbourd would admit. And just who is ultimately responsible for the excesses of the self-esteem craze -- parents or the psychologists and educators whose books parents read for advice?

One effect of parents' over-involvement in their children's' lives has been the demise of those arenas of childhood that were once inviolably the province of children themselves: unsupervised play, neighborhood baseball games and other settings where children first exercised their moral imaginations and were forced to cope independently with their own shortcomings. Parents who lament this turn of events may welcome Lenore Skenazy's "Free-Range Kids," which, like Mr. Weissbourd's book, argues that adults should not always try to protect children from failure.  (“Free-Range Kids," By Lenore Skenazy, Jossey-Bass, 225 pages, $24.95)

Ms. Skenazy, a humor columnist, believes we should give "our children the freedom we had without going nuts with worry." She lampoons safety-obsessed parents who see a threat-filled world, from metal baseball bats and raw cookie dough to Halloween-candy poisoners and kidnappers. She advises turning off the news, avoiding experts and boycotting baby knee pads "and the rest of the kiddie safety-industrial complex."

“I really think I'm someone like you: A parent who is afraid of some things (bears, cars) and less afraid of others (subways, strangers). But mostly I'm afraid that I, too, have been swept up in the impossible obsession of our era: total safety for our children every second of every day.”

Excerpt from "Free-Range Kids"

Ms. Skenazy gained a certain national notoriety after she wrote a column about allowing her 9-year-old son to ride the New York City subways by himself. Even parents fed up with our child-coddling culture might blanch at the thought of turning a third-grader loose on public transportation. But Ms. Skenazy will find plenty of supporters for her contention that, in a world where the rights of chickens to roam freely are championed, it's time to liberate the kids.

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This article appeared in the Wall Street Journal.  Ms. Mack is the author of "The Assault on Parenthood" (Encounter).

Working WITH the Coach

News For SWIM  PARENTS Published by The American Swimming Coaches Association

One of the most time consuming challenges a coach encounters is building a working relationship between himself, parents, and the Board of Directors.  This is especially true when parents challenge the coaches' authority and ability to make coaching judgments.

From our vantage point of "hearing it from all sides" we have developed some thoughts for parents.

<> Be educated.  Read all you can about swimming but remember, that there are usually many different ways to teach a skill, or plan a season, or set a race strategy, etc..  Your coach may use tactics you have not read about and are not familiar with but are never-the-less absolutely sound.  Some very gifted coaches may use techniques that aren't well documented but may be a superior method.  Your coach may be a pioneer!  We don't think all coaches should coach using the same methods and are anxious to hear from coaches having success with new found methods.

Where do you find information?  Reputable websites like www.swimmingcoach.org and www.usaswimming.org are a good place to start.  There are many places on the web but keep in mind the source – look for articles by successful and respected coaches.  Also, there are dozens of books and DVD’s out there written by accomplished coaches.  www.GoSwim.tv  and www.Championshipproductions.com are two good sources of DVD’s and Human Kinetics publishes a number of excellent books.  ASCA has selected a number of DVD’s and books we feel are important and have placed them on our online store at www.swimmingcoach.org.  There is also the option to join ASCA as a non-coach member and receive the ASCA Magazine, ASCA Newsletter, and the Journal of Swimming Research.

<> Think before you ask.  When you are concerned about a decision made by the coach it's fair to ask for an explanation but keep in mind two things.  First, ask for an explanation at the proper time, preferably after practice or after the swimming meet.  It is better to wait for a quieter time and it is better to think through your questions before approaching the coach.

Secondly, it is reasonable for a coach to give an explanation by simply saying, "I had a feeling it would work best this way."  It's called intuition, and it is one of the most important ways a coach makes a judgment call.  Let's not take this away from coaches.

Consider relays – one of the most contentious judgment calls a coach makes.  Who should be on the relay and what should the order be?  There are many factors that go into setting a relay line up and the guiding philosophy of the coach might simply be that he or she "enters the relay in the best interest of the team."  There should never be a specific relay policy that will prevent your coach from using his or her judgment.

For example, the "fastest  four" may not be the fastest four on THAT day.  The coach may have an intuitive feeling that a given individual may perform faster than the "fastest four."  There are also times the coach might feel that an individual needs the psychological boost of being on the "A" relay even though they are not one of the top 4, and if the meet is not of importance, may elect to move this swimmer to the “A” relay.

The point is, it is a coaches' call.  She may make a judgment based on an intuitive feeling she has or other reasoning that you do not agree with or understand but it is within her area of authority to make the call and she needs the freedom to do it without undue critical challenges.

<> View the larger picture.  There are three pictures, actually.  One is the larger picture of the swimmer's swimming career.  Early success (i.e. medals, ribbons, high point trophies, and national age group rankings) is not a requirement to career success.  In fact, many times those successful early in their careers drop out before they have the opportunity to reach their full potential.

Coaches are usually very patient with a swimmer's progress because they are able to see the larger picture.  Try not to mistake a coaches' calm patience with non-caring.

Larger picture number two:  "There's more to life than swimming."  We're hopeful that all coaches and parents remember that the most important experiences gained in an individual's swimming career have nothing to do with flip turns or butterfly technique.  Making friends, being part of a team, learning self-discipline, learning responsibility, setting goals, and working toward goals are far greater experiences than medals, ribbons, high point awards, and national rankings.  (Just ask a retired swimmer!)

Larger Picture number three:  The team!  Remember that you and your child are part of the team and have an opportunity to contribute to team strength, team growth, and team unity.

<> Educate the coach.  Does your club have a "coaching education" item in its budget?  We think you should and it might be used for any or all of the following:

1. People Skills Seminars.  In our office we regularly receive bulletins announcing various "people skills" or "management skills" seminars in the area.  On your team there are surely people who receive the same kind of bulletins at work.  Ask your Board to send the coach to a seminar.
2. Coaches' clinics.  There are many throughout the year and throughout the country.  The ASCA World Coaches Clinic is the largest with over 1000 coaches in attendance.
3. Senior Nationals.  If the team does not have senior national qualifiers, give the coach the option of attending the senior nationals in place of a clinic.  It's a great place to receive an education.
4. Purchase books, magazines, and memberships for the coach.  All of these things are an investment in your team's greatest asset, the coach.

<> Recognize the coaches' experience and education.  Your children are precious and turning them over to a coach, who oftentimes is a young coach, is sometimes unsettling.  Coaches, however, have hours upon hours of experience working with young swimmers just like your child and will try to make their best judgments in the best interest of your child's long term swimming development.  In addition, we're hopeful that your coach has attended clinics, frequently exchanges information with other coaches, and is involved with the ASCA certification and home study program.

<> Try not to take it personally.  All parents want to see their children be successful, however some parents get emotionally involved in their children's successes and setbacks.  Sometimes they love to win through their children, and they hate to lose.  Let the child own their successes and failures while you are there simply to congratulate or console..

<> Be aware of the overzealous, know-it-all, win at all costs, swim parent.  Unfortunately there are some parents who continually challenge the judgment of the coach.  Frequently their opinions are based upon emotion, limited experience, and limited knowledge.  Their motives are rarely in the interest of the team.  They oftentimes try to gather support to change decisions and can wreck serious havoc in a program.   What you can do is support the coach and Board of Directors, and try to educate the parent.  One of the greatest untapped resources for parent education are the parents of children who have been through the age group program.

<> Remember all the different people a coach must work with.  Be sensitive to the fact that a coach is under tremendous pressure to please as many people as possible while making decisions he knows not everyone will be happy about.  A little support from a friendly parent can make a coaches’ job far more pleasant than if he feels he is always alone.

Or not.  Here is the time-saving, near effortless, and low stress alternative for all of the above:  simply look for your child to be happy and improving.  Entrust the coach with the technical details.  Accept the success and setbacks in stride.  Provide emotional support for your child.  Volunteer for team meets or other activities.  And on your car pool day if you get stuck at practice, take a good book, and look up once in a while at your lovely child getting a great workout.