World Class Parents

 

Parents…”So, you want to offer your child the opportunity to be a world-class athlete….”

By John Leonard

           If the above sentence doesn’t scare the bejeezus out of you as a coach reading it, good for you!

     The fact is, a number of parents DO, without being raging lunatics, wish to offer their child the best possible chance to be a great athlete….in the same way that they’d like to offer them the chance to attend the most prestigious University, visit the best doctors, be a world-class musician or artist, etc. etc. etc.

         The key word is “OFFER”. Not “force”. Not “Make”.  Offer. The issue, if you take the words “world class” out of there….is that MOST parents want to “de-limit” their children and “offer them the chance for the best opportunities in life.”.  Put that way, it doesn’t sound so bad. In fact, it sounds like “most of us”.

        As every coach knows, the devil is in the execution. (or the details, if you prefer.)

       I was asked this question twice on a recent trip to Africa…..where the topic came up because of the perception that African children who aspire to be swimmers are considerably limited  on their continent. Overall, I thought it a fair question.  Here’s my answer….I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts.

#1. It’s all about the coaching.  Led by the great researcher, Dr. Anders Ericsson, we know that expertise comes from 10,000 hours of focused, purposeful practice, guided by a “coach” of skill, knowledge and understanding of the learning process providing top quality feedback. So the number one task of the parent on the track of great opportunities….do your homework, research the coaches available to your child, spend time in conversation with them, reach a mutually satisfying understanding of “who is doing what” and then get out of the way, and TRUST THEM to do right with your child. You can “oversee the process” but let the coach, Coach.

      That’s answer 1, 1A and 1B…..nothing else comes close in importance.  Here are a few other ideas, however.

#2.  It’s about RESILIANCE! Your child, all children, are going to hit some rough patches in their development. Teach them to persevere, don’t get the roadblocks out of their way FOR them, let them learn to struggle with it and overcome. Everyone gets knocked back/down. The child has to get good at getting back up…ON THEIR OWN.

“Curling parents” are those rushing down the path ahead of the child, trying to clear every obstacle out of the way for them……and never letting the child gain the satisfaction of overcoming challenges. Don’t be one.

“Helicopter parents” are those who hover over their child at every moment, so intent on making sure the child “gets it” that they become the biggest distraction to the child ever “getting it”.  Go sit down. Relax. Read a paper. When the child’s done, love them, don’t make them replay every moment of practice for you. Don’t be one.

#3. It’s about personal responsibility. Make sure you teach your child that “if it’s to be, it’s up to me.”  If they want to be a world class athlete, only their effort will take them there. Effort. Not talent. Tons of people have talent to achieve great things. Few do. Often because their proud parents forgot that effort is the only way to achieve.  Teach effort.

#4. Be a Motivation Machine. As the great swimmer Michael Phelps was on his steady, effortful rise to the top of the swimming world, his coach Bob Bowman described Michael as a “Motivation Machine”. Something good happens, he got up the next morning with the mind-set, “I want more of that.” And he went off to practice. (not staying in bed congratulating himself..”I earned some more sleep this morning…I’ll sleep in..”) When something Bad happened, Michael got up and went to practice with the mindset “I’m NEVER letting that happen again”. (not staying in bed having a mini-pity-party.) One of the greatest things I have ever heard that separates a great individual from the rest of us….Be a Motivation Machine.

Parents, you can teach that to your child and it will be a life-gift of importance.

#5. ENJOY THE RIDE! The Chinese have a saying…”most of life is about Chop Wood, Haul Water”. Mundane tasks that are essential to our progress in life. Life is not always wildly exciting and “ fun”. Mostly, its steady mundane effort and work. So learn (both as a parent, and teach to the child…) to enjoy and be very “satisfied” with the day to day tasks that, like water impacting the rock, make up our journey towards a special result. Chop Wood, Haul Water. Learn to value and enjoy it.

      Those are my top 5 recommendations. Please add your own and let me know what they are.

All the Best, John Leonard  

Enough Already With Kid Gloves

News For SWIM  PARENTS Published by The American Swimming Coaches Association

By Christina Hoff Sommers

Purple is replacing red as the color of choice for teachers. Why, you may ask? It seems that educators worry that emphatic red corrections on a homework assignment or test can be stressful, demeaning — even "frightening" for a young person. The principal of Thaddeus Stevens Elementary in Pittsburgh advises teachers to use only "pleasant-feeling tones."

Major pen manufacturers appear to agree. Robert Silberman, vice president of marketing at Pilot Pen, says teachers "are trying to be positive and reinforcing rather than harsh." Michael Finn, a spokesperson for Paper Mate, approves: "This is a kinder, more gentle education system." Which color is best for children? Stephen Ahle, principal at Pacific Rim Elementary in Carlsbad, Calif., offers lavender "because it is a calming color."

A calmer, gentler grading color? Are schoolchildren really so upset by corrections in primary red? Why have teachers become so careful?

It seems that many adults today regard the children in their care as fragile hothouse flowers who require protection from even the remote possibility of frustration, disappointment or failure. The new solicitude goes far beyond blacklisting red pens. Many schools now discourage or prohibit competitive games such as tag or dodge ball. The rationale: too many hurt feelings. In May 2002, for example, the principal of Franklin Elementary School in Santa Monica, Calif., sent a newsletter to parents informing them that children could no longer play tag during the lunch recess. As she explained, "In this game, there is a 'victim' or 'It,' which creates a self-esteem issue."

Is anything OK?

Which games are deemed safe and self-affirming? The National PTA recommends a cooperative alternative to the fiercely competitive "tug of war" called "tug of peace." Some professionals in physical education advocate activities in which children compete only with themselves, such as juggling, unicycling, pogo sticking, and even "learning to ... manipulate wheelchairs with ease."

But juggling, too, poses risks.

A former member of The President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports suggests using silken scarves rather than, say, uncooperative tennis balls that lead to frustration and anxiety. "Scarves," he points out, "are soft, non-threatening, and float down slowly."

Is the kind of overprotectiveness these educators counsel really such a bad thing? Sooner or later, children will face stressful situations, disappointments and threats to their self-esteem. Why not shield them from the inevitable as long as possible? The answer is that children need challenge, excitement and competition to flourish. To treat them as combustible bundles of frayed nerves does them no favors.

Anthony Pellegrini, a professor of early childhood education at the University of Minnesota, has done careful studies on playground dynamics. I asked him what he thought of the national movement against games such as tag and dodge ball: "It is ridiculous. Even squirrels play chase."

Children who are protected from frank criticism written in "harsh" colors are gravely shortchanged. In the global economy that awaits them, young Americans will be competing with other young people from all parts of the world whose teachers do not hesitate to use red pens. What is driving the new solicitude?

Too many educators, parents and camp counselors today are obsessed with boosting the self-esteem of the children in their care. These adults not only refrain from criticizing their young charges when they perform badly, they also take pains to praise them even when they've done nothing to deserve it.

But two decades of research have failed to show a significant connection between high self-esteem and achievement, kindness, or good personal relationships. Unmerited self-esteem, on the other hand, is known to be associated with antisocial behavior — even criminality. Nevertheless, most of our national institutions and organizations that deal with children remain fixated on self-esteem.

The Girl Scouts of America recently launched a major campaign "to address the problem of low self-esteem among 8- to 14-year-old girls." (Never mind that there is no good evidence these girls suffer a self-esteem deficit.) With the help of a $2.65 million grant from Unilever (a major corporation that owns products such as Lipton and Slim Fast), its new program, "Uniquely ME!," asks girls to contemplate their own "amazing" specialness. Girls are invited to make collages celebrating themselves. They can play a getting-to-know-me game called a "Me-O-Meter."

Uniquely ridiculous

One normally thinks of the Girl Scouts as an organization that fosters self-reliance and good citizenship. Me-O-Meters? How does that promote self-reliance? And is self-absorption necessarily good for young people?

Yes, say the mental health experts at Girl Scout Research Center. The Uniquely ME! pamphlet tells its young readers, "This booklet is designed to help boost your self-esteem by celebrating YOU and your uniqueness. ... Having high self-esteem ... can help you lead a more successful life."

The authors of Uniquely ME! and the executives at Unilever who funded it should take a careful look at an article in the January issue of Scientific American that debunks the self-esteem movement. ("Exploding the Self-Esteem Myth.") The authors, four prominent academic psychologists, conclude, "We have found little to indicate that indiscriminately promoting self-esteem in today's children or adults, just for being themselves, offers society any compensatory benefits beyond the seductive pleasure it brings to those engaged in the exercise."

The good intentions or dedication of the self-esteem educators and Scout leaders are not in question. But their common sense is. With few exceptions, the nation's children are mentally and emotionally sound. They relish the challenge of high expectations. They can cope with red pens, tug of war and dodge ball. They can handle being "It."

Reprinted from USA Today.  Christina Hoff Sommers is a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute. She is the co-author ofOne Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture is Eroding Self-Reliance.

Setting Goals: The Parent, Coach, Athlete Relationship

News For SWIM  PARENTS Published by The American Swimming Coaches Association

Setting goals and working toward those goals is one of the most important life skills our young swimmers learn.  What are the benefits of goal setting? What is the goal setting process?  What are the respective roles of parents and coaches?

In the American Swimming Coaches Association and USA Swimming’s Foundations of Coaching Course these benefits of goal setting are listed:

1. goals challenge swimmers, giving them something to work toward
2. goals direct swimmers to develop their skills
3. goals provide a means of evaluating a swimmer’s progress and offer opportunities for success for the athlete.

Simply put, goals give direction and meaning to the day to day workout routine.

The goal setting process begins with a review of current achievements.  What are the swimmer’s best times?  Next, what significant and attainable goals can be worked for over a reasonable time frame.  Goals can be related to a time standard or to a competitive achievement.  In general, younger swimmers should have a shorter time frame and the goals should be time based.  Older swimmers may have the patience to set longer range goals that may be two, three, or four years away and often those goals are based more on a competitive result rather than a pure time.

Too often swimmer’s concentrate only on the “outcome goal” and not enough on “performance goals.”  An outcome goal might be “to qualify for senior nationals in the 400 IM in the summer of 2011.”  Related performance goals might include:  “Increase practice attendance to 9 times per week,” ”improve my 200 breaststroke time by three seconds,” “lose 5 pounds by May 1^st by  eliminating empty carbohydrate snacks,” and “increase my freestyle stroke rate from 1.3 seconds per stroke to 1.1 in the 400 IM.”  Some people refer to performance goals as “objectives.”

Both outcome goals and performance goals should be specific and time framed.  Specific means quantifiable – it can be measured.  Time framed means there should be a target date for achieving the goal or objective.  Goals should be flexible because stuff happens that we cannot predict and the course may need to be altered.

The positive role of parents is vital.  The three elements of good parenting in the goal setting process are:

1. Parents encourage their children to set goals.
2. Parents ask their children what their children’s goals are. (But do not set their goals for them.)
3. Parent ask their children how they are progressing toward their goals – especially performance goals.
4. Parents provide emotional support for their children as they pursue their goals.
5. Parents work with and support the coach for the interest of their children.

Coaches are the primary goal facilitators. They:

1. Guide the swimmer to set realistic but challenging goals.
2. Establish a timetable, or progression for reaching the goal.
3. Discuss split times or other technical strategies for achieving the goal.
4. Remind the swimmer of the relationship between workout performance and goal times at daily practices.
5. Evaluate progress toward goals with the swimmer.
6. Create team support for individual goals.

Case Study:  What can go right and what can go wrong in the parent, coach, athlete relationship?

Jennifer had just started swimming on a year around program at age 11.  Previously she was a summer league swimmers and swam only 25’s and 50’s.  Her summer league coach was a student and never talked to Jennifer about goals.  She was a big girl and quite a bit overweight.  She had some natural speed in the freestyle but very poor endurance.  On the new team she improved rapidly in the 50 free from a 32.0 to a 30.8 from September to February.  An “A” time and the qualifying standard for the local JO’s is a 29.89.  The coach began talking to her about trying to make that time.  The next week at a B meet Jennifer went a best time of 30.3 and the coach noticed Jennifer’s dad looking at his stop watch and shaking his head in d isappointment.  After the swim Jennifer went directly to her dad to talk to him.  Later the coach approached Jennifer’s dad and said, “I noticed you were disappointed in her swim.  What were you hoping she would do?”  Jennifer’s dad said he thought she should go a 28.5.  That was a goal he and her had set.  The coach pointed out that her 30.3 was a best time and that 28.5 was not a reasonable short term goal.  Jennifer’s dad became upset and said that he didn’t need any help setting goals with his daughter.  The coach became upset and said that goal setting was exclusively the role of the coach.

Mistakes by the coach:  From the very start there should have been better parent education:  an initial conference with the parents with one of the topics being goal setting and time standards.  Some teams have a parent handbook that explains these issues.  Later, the coach should have had a conference with Jennifer and together clearly identified 29.89 as a goal.  He should have also talked to her about performance goals she would need to make in order to achieve her outcome goal.  Some coaches work with the swimmer to fill out a goal sheet listing both performance goals and outcome goals.  A copy of this sheet along with a copy of the JO qualifying times and National Time Standards can then be sent home with Jennifer for her parents.  Later, in a moment after a practice or before a swimming meet the coach can have a brief chat with the parents about Jennifer’s goals.

Mistakes by the parent:  Jennifer’s dad should not have helped Jennifer set such a difficult goal.  His effort to have Jennifer be goal oriented was correct but his knowledge of the sport, of rates of improvement, and of Jennifer’s abilities as a swimmer were not very good and this led him to make a poor judgment.  It would have been better to approach the coach and ask the coach what reasonable short term and long term goals are for his daughter.

Goal setting is one of the most profound skills we can help our children acquire.  Parents who encourage their children to set goals, and who listen to the expert advice of the coach, and then cheer their children on can look forward to years of smiles.

Please refer to this article posted previously called: Helping Your Young Child Set Goals