A Plea to Parents of Young Athletes: Simmer Down

Ted Spiker Nov. 25, 2014 of time.com

Eight things we can do to improve the youth-sports environment

Like most parents who watch their kids play sports, I keep an in-brain highlight reel of my favorite moments involving my two boys. Some of them involve skill, but many of them center around effort or teamwork. More and more, though, I also have witnessed incidents that make me wonder why there’s more gamesmanship and less sportsmanship. Just last weekend, I saw the following from other squads: a player-to-ref middle finger, four flags in one game for excessive taunting, and a frustrated fling of a stick into the stands.

Any of us who have been involved in youth sports have our own stories of do-it-the-wrong-way people. In my decade or so of coaching and spectating the half-dozen different sports my boys have played, I’ve seen kids be punks. Coaches be punks. Parents be punks.

I’ve been a punk.

The sad fact is that unless we can slowly change the frantic and entitled culture that’s bubbling on some of our sidelines (I once saw a parent zooming his video camera to focus on a college scout’s notes), we’re going to allow what should be a healthy and educational environment to become a constantly toxic one.

How can we fix it? Ultimately, I think it involves parents having the discipline to keep in perspective what’s really at stake. Not a game, not a scholarship. What we do risk losing is this: A positive experience for our kids. Their memories of what sports taught them and the friendships they built. Our own relationships with our children.

“Being a parent is a performance. Did your presence make your kids two hours better? How? What did you do to make sure that happened? That’s the difference between being a parent and being a fan, yet most parents act more like fans than parents,” sports psychologist and former Division-I athlete Doug Newburg, Ph.D., told me. “What does it mean to care? That’s the issue. We believe that anger and passion and emotion are how we care. The reality is if we care, we focus on what matters. People get emotional because they ‘CARE’ when they should ‘care.’ Softly, without props, as Toni Morrison would say.”

It won’t be a quick or easy change, but if we each do our part, we can slowly bring our youth-sports culture back to where it should be — a place for kids to learn, grow, develop, and [gasp!] have fun.

Some ways that parents can game-plan:

Cheer for the play that helps the play. It’s natural to celebrate the goal, the touchdown, the game-saving catch. Let’s make more effort to cheer for the player who makes the pass or block. Call out to the one who sets the pick. Send an “attaboy” or “attagirl” to the kid who does one tiny thing that—as part of a chain of events—helped make the big play happen. Most importantly, notice those things when other kids do them. If you want your child to understand that life is about collaborating with a team, reinforce it by spreading your praise up and down the roster.

Dial down the emotion. An expert I once interviewed about the subject said that many youth coaches make a mistake by having a rah-rah-get-riled-up persona during the game. They assume it helps get a team motivated to perform well. In actuality, he said, athletes (especially young ones) perform better in a less emotionally charged atmosphere. We parents can take the same advice — cheer and praise with enthusiasm, but with a tone of voice that exudes calmness. Translation: “Oh nice play, Jennifer, way to hustle” trumps “GET TO THE BALL, JENNIFER. GO! GO! GO! YOU GOT IT! MOOOOOOVE IT!” Or as my friend Bill, the father of two elite-level athletes, says, “Watch with compassion, not judgment.”

Ask yourself: What does your kid really want? While you may be eager to give your opinion on what strategy will work, our kids don’t want a constant yammering of tips and tricks from you. More likely, our kids prefer our role on the support staff: We’re chauffeurs, cheerleaders, peanut-butter-sandwich-makers, ice-pack-fetchers, bag-smell-taker-outers. Embrace that role, and use baking powder.

Be unsocial. Most of the parental sideline issues really are an issue about self-control — how we can take an emotional moment (“that was a slash!”) and cool down before reacting like a bloated buffoon. Some researchers would say that the key to doing that is taking ourselves out of a hot state (the time we act on impulse because our emotions are clouding judgment) and go to a cold state (where we act more logically). That’s difficult when games are essentially one prolonged hot state. If you’re prone to outbursts, watch the game away from all the other parents (especially opposing ones), since the pack mentality contributes to a pile-on-the-ref sideline.

Play with, not talk to. If you want to connect with your kid over sports and offer your wisdom about improvement, your contribution shouldn’t come anywhere near game time. Toss the ball, bike while she runs, anything. “Like a buddy, not a coach,” Bill says. “You may find out more about your kids as people and they’re more likely to work on their game if you’re not beating them down.”

Respect the hierarchy. I get that we all think we know better and have the strategy that will help the team. If you want to question the coach, offer advice constructively on non-game days and not in public. Then don’t take offense if the coach says thanks, but no thanks. Want a say in how things are done? Volunteer. Or login to your fantasy football roster.

If he runs his mouth, sit him down. There’s one exception to the above rule. If kids act in a way that demeans or threatens a coach, player, opponent, ref, or fans, and the coach won’t wield punishment, then we have the right — and responsibility — to do so. As a parent once told me, “Either you’re coaching that type of behavior, or you’re allowing it to happen.”

Offer questions, not analysis. After a game, resist the urge to explain ways your child could improve. Just say, “How was the game?” “Did you have fun?” “How’d it go?” Realize this first: If your kids want a break-down analysis of how they played, they’ll ask you for it. Realize this second: They won’t ask you for it.

Now, I believe the motive in most instances of parental craziness is well-meaning. We all want our kids to succeed, to perform well, to experience the joy that we suspect our kids want to feel when they win. Nobody questions the notion that you will and should feel passion about what you’re watching—pride, disappointment, anger about the ref missing an elbow to the face, the whole range that comes from watching our kids compete. But projecting those emotions will contribute to kids losing enjoyment of the game — and ultimately stop playing the game.

Or maybe we could simply do this, as was suggested by a fellow parent at a parent/athlete meeting I recently attended: Maybe we could just ask our own kids how they want us to act. Do they want us to yell urgently for them to step up and make a play? Do they want us to throw our hats when the ref makes a bad call? Do they want us to snipe among ourselves when the coach subbed at the wrong time? Do they want us to look so petty that we’re getting riled up for a reason that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme?

I doubt it.

What do they want out of playing sports? Do they want to go hard, compete, get better, celebrate good plays with their friends, and not have to hear their parents squawking before, during, or after the game? Do they want us to remember the definition of play?

I’m sure my kids would say yes.

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Ted Spiker (@ProfSpiker), the interim chair of journalism at the University of Florida, is the author of DOWN SIZE: 12 Truths for Turning Pants-Splitting Frustration into Pants-Fitting Success. He scored a total of 2 points during his entire eighth-grade basketball season.

Advice For Swim Parents

BY MIKE GUSTAFSON//CORRESPONDENT

Every Monday I answer questions from swimmers around the country. Please take my advice with a grain of salt, as I am not a professional advice-giver, just a former collegiate swimmer and writer who loves the water. If you have a question, please email me at swimmingstories@gmail.com.

Hey Mike,

You write some great articles to help the swimmers with physical/mental/emotional obstacles. How about one for the parents?  Sometimes I think it's harder on us to watch our swimmer struggle with plateaus/injuries/competition/school-swim priorities than the swimmer themselves--and it's all because we don't have the control to fix it.  All swim parents love their kids and hate to see them struggle and be disappointed. Any words of wisdom-besides hug them/love them (which we do daily!)

Thanks

A Committed Swim Momma

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Hey Committed Swim Momma,

Your kid loses. She’s devastated. Not only that, she’s got a hurt shoulder. She maintains a smile during the rest of the meet, but when she goes home, she cries. She’s distraught. You’re the only person that sees this “side” of her – the side of vulnerability. You’re the one person who truly knows how much this sport means to her, and how much it hurts when things don’t go the right way.

You want to help. You want to say the right things. You want to fix her. You want to put together a blueprint: How We Can Begin To Get Better. You feel a little bit of pressure, since you know that not even your daughter’s best friends see your daughter’s “disappointed side.” At practice, everything is fine, or it seems that way, but you know your daughter is struggling. You can just tell. What can you do?

You already know, Committed Swim Momma. You already said so in your email. 

Hug them.  Love them.

This may not be the answer you are looking for, but I need to spend 800 words and explain why this is so vitally important. We all know love and support is the foundation for a healthy relationship. And yet, there seems to be this very, very fine line between “support” as in giving a hug and “support” when you decide to “fix” your swimmer (talking to the coach, giving technique tips, sending your daughter off to another swim club, etc..).

So many parents want to do more. They want to formulate that “blueprint” to fix their child. This arises out of love – no parent wants to see a child hurt. You want to protect them. You want to fix them. You want to encourage them.

But here’s the thing: That first step you begin to take beyond the love and support – beyond that daily huge and “I love you no matter what” post-race statement-of-support – that first step begins to trickle across that fine line between Supportive Parent and Overbearing Parent.

So this is a message to parents: You have to let go of some of the control. You want to fix your kid, but that’s what doctors are for. You want to encourage and coach your kid, but that’s what coaches are for. You want to be your kid’s best friend, but that’s what his or her friends are for.

Your job?

To hug. To love.

Certainly, there are times when a parent needs to get involved. If there is a major problem between coach and swimmer, for example. Or if your kid is hurt and the coach seems to be pushing your swimmer to the point beyond injury. You must protect the safety of your child. You must be eyes and ears, at all times, in every situation. Then, by all means, you must get involved.

But if the problems are swimming-related, you must let go. You must let the coach coach, the teammates encourage, and the scoreboard to be blunt about where your kid stands in terms of achieving his or her goals.

Letting go of control can be really, really hard. But let the rest of the world tell your child what he needs to improve. Let doctors tell her how she can be fixed. Let coaches tell her how she can get better. Let teammates tell her how she needs to adjust her attitude. Let the scoreboard tell her what her times are.

And, after this world has let your child know all those things, open your arms. Because you’re not the doctor, you’re not the coach, you’re not the teammate. You know what your job is in your kid’s life. Let her know that you love her, no matter what. 

Then give her a big, Committed Swim Momma hug.

3 Tips for Swim Parents About Personal Best Times

Courtesy of Elizabeth Wickham of swimswam.com

I have a freshman swimming in college and I have to remind myself that this is a transition year. Her coaches, workouts and team are new to her, she’s working out harder than ever. And she’s not getting best times at dual meets. I’m not freaking out about it. The shaved and done some race prep for meets are still to come. It’s also possible that she won’t get best times this season.

When kids are little and learning this great sport, they seem to drop time often. As their bodies grow stronger and bigger, they drop and drop. In their late teens, they may not get a personal best except when they are shaved, done some race prep and wearing a fast suit.

I was asked repeatedly by parents of youngers at age group meets when my daughter was age 16 to 18 — “Was that a best time for her?”

I’d say, “No. Not close.”

“Why not? What do you think is wrong?” was the typical concerned question that followed.

I would explain about the phenomenon that swimmers don’t get best times at every meet when they are older — in my daughter’s case, age 16 on. I described training cycles and that best times would come at target meets.

Here’s my three tips about best times:

ONE

You have to trust your kid’s coach. Don’t second guess what they are doing — especially in front of your swimmer. “Coaches Coach. Parents Parent. Swimmers Swim.”

TWO

Don’t focus on the times — or you may kill your swimmer’s enthusiasm for the sport.

THREE

Trust the experience. If your child is swimming as an older teenager, they must love the physical and mental toughness of practice and competition — or they would’ve quit long ago. They are building life skills of grit, determination and perseverance.

DO YOU HAVE TIPS ABOUT PERSONAL BESTS? HOW WAS YOUR SWIMMER’S FRESHMAN YEAR IN COLLEGE?

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Elizabeth Wickham volunteered for 14 years on her kids’ club team as board member, fundraiser, newsletter editor and “Mrs. meet manager.” She’s a writer with a bachelor of arts degree in editorial journalism from the University of Washington with a long career in public relations, marketing and advertising. Her stories have appeared in newspapers and magazines including the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Parenting and Ladybug. You can read more parenting tips on her blog: http://bleuwater.me/.

One Tip for Swim Parents–Enjoy the Process

Courtesy of Elizabeth Wickham of swimswam.com

I’ve noticed that swim parents — myself included — get way too caught up in the moment — especially at swim meets. We are thrilled when our swimmers drop time and win races. It’s so exciting! Is there a better feeling than watching your swimmer come from behind and touch the wall before everyone else?

It’s disheartening to watch your swimmer swim slow, come in last, or not get a best time. My daughter plateaued for a year and a half several years ago. It was tough to go to meet after meet when she wasn’t getting personal bests. She stuck with it and managed to break out of that plateau, but I’m telling you it was a hard 18 months.

Even though her times weren’t improving, it didn’t mean she was at a standstill. Her character was growing. She learned how to handle disappointment. How to persevere. Sometimes the bad swims are the ones where our kids learn the most. I’m not a coach, but I’m hoping her coaches saw improvement in her strokes and ability to focus and work hard.

MY TIP OF THE WEEK IS TO SLOW DOWN, LET GO AND ENJOY THE PROCESS.

Don’t compare your swimmer with teammates or competitors. They make progress in separate events and they grow and mature at different times. Why on earth compare your swimmer’s 50 free to her teammates and wonder why your swimmer isn’t as fast? It’s okay for your child to be competitive and push themselves by racing teammates — but parents — stay out of it!

Enjoy this unique experience we’ve been granted. Be a supportive swim parent through the ups and downs. Trust me. Your swimmer’s time will come. You’ll discover your time as a swim parent races away all too quickly.

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Elizabeth Wickham volunteered for 14 years on her kids’ club team as board member, fundraiser, newsletter editor and “Mrs. meet manager.” She’s a writer with a bachelor of arts degree in editorial journalism from the University of Washington with a long career in public relations, marketing and advertising. Her stories have appeared in newspapers and magazines including the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Parenting and Ladybug. You can read more parenting tips on her blog: http://bleuwater.me/.

The Root Cause of Stress in Kids

By Tim Elmore of growingleaders.com

Know why so many kids are stressed out and “failing to launch” into adulthood? It’s because of the unrealistic expectations and mental health of their parents.

Now before you react, let me show you the results from a recent study.

Carrie Wendel-Hummell, a researcher at the University of Kansas, concluded that postpartum depression in mothers and fathers doesn’t just stem from stretch marks or the emotional burden of caring for a new baby. She suggests the pressures to be a perfect parent are affecting the mental health of parents.

Consider the pressures today’s parents face to be perfect:

1. We see Facebook pictures of seemingly perfect families who just returned from a perfect vacation. Everyone’s smiling.
2. We compare our lives more than ever to the “Jones’” next door who just bought their kids the latest iPhone, PS4, or tablet.
3. Mommy bloggers are ubiquitous, consistently pushing readers to perfect their parenting skills and give their kids an advantage in life.
4. We hold “Disney-like” ideals of how a family is supposed to operate, where mom is always beautiful, dad is Prince Charming, etc.
5. We believe that our kids are the “report card” others examine to measure the kind of parents we are.

Wendel-Hummell studied the health disorders that come with the prenatal phase of a mother’s life. During this time, parents must pay particular attention to their mental health. In Wendel-Hummell’s study, she conducted interviews with new mothers and fathers, most of them from Kansas and Missouri. Their incomes varied from low to middle class, and each candidate reported having issues with a variety of the following symptoms: postpartum depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, psychosis, and bi-polar disorder.

Interestingly, middle-class parents were more likely to put huge quantities of pressure on themselves to attain a level of “perfect” parenthood. “Middle-class mothers often try to do everything to balance work and home life, and fathers are increasingly attempting to do the same,” Wendel-Hummell said. “This pressure can exacerbate mental health conditions. If everything is not perfect, they feel like failures — and mothers tend to internalize that guilt.” The pressure from society on middle-class parents seems to be too much for some parents’ mental health.

As I’ve addressed tens of thousands of parents and teachers each year, it seems that many feel this way. In fact, some just feel like plain failures if they see their children falter.

Why We Can’t Face Failure

I just released a book entitled Twelve Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. My goal was not to take moms and dads further on their guilt trip. In fact, it was quite the opposite — the book is about removing the barriers to healthy family experiences. In it, I promote high (but healthy) expectations for both parents and kids.

Each of the twelve mistakes tends to fall into one of four categories:

• We risk too little.
• We rescue too quickly.
• We rave too easily.
• We reward too frequently.

If you stop to think about it, we parents make these mistakes because we don’t want to fail, nor do we want our kids to fail. So we refuse to let it happen. When our kids perform poorly, we praise them anyway. When they forget something, we rescue them. When they finish an average assignment, we rave like they’ve just won a gold medal, assuming it will build self-esteem. This does not produce a healthy adult.

Why are we so afraid of failure?

If I may be blunt, I believe we, as parents and teachers, allow our emotional baggage to get in the way of helping them transition into healthy adulthood. They’re unready because we actually failed to get them ready. We are fragile adults, getting offended if anyone (including their teacher) criticizes them. In reality, they likely need some constructive criticism. We interpret our child’s poor grade as our own failure to parent well, when in reality, they likely failed because they were lazy and didn’t fully apply themselves. We’re enraged when our kids lose on the playing field because we project our own lives and losses on them, when in reality, a kid just wants a Slurpee when the game’s over. He doesn’t care nearly as much as you do about who wins.

I’m a Baby Boomer, and I believe that many from our generation (certainly not all) have failed to grow up well. Could it be that we wanted to be called by our first name at work, even when we became boss, because we were clinging to our youth? Could it be we refused to let our hair become gray because we want to stay Forever 21? Could it be we wear skinny jeans or get tattoos, not because we look good with them, but because we hope to stay “cool” like our kids? Could it be we faced a mid-life crisis because we realized we weren’t as awesome as we thought we’d be at forty years old… and now, we’re committed to make sure our kid is awesome, even if we have to pretend? I’m just asking.

I see far too many ill-prepared young adults each year. The fact is, most of them are loaded with potential. Gifts. Smarts. Creativity. But the truth is, we didn’t give them a good model to follow into adulthood.

Let’s work on our own mental and emotional health so our kids know what happy, passionate, satisfied grown-ups look like. Let’s drop the perfect expectations. Let’s embrace the fact that failure happens to all of us. (In fact, it has to happen in order for us to fully mature.) Let’s embrace risk — and the consequences of bad decisions — so we know how to handle the tough times ahead. And let’s embrace all our warts and wrinkles while staying passionate about life. The next generation deserves a healthy leader.

What do you think?

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Our newest book is out:

12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid – It outlines practical and effective leadership skills for both parents and educators on how to avoid common pitfalls including:

-making happiness a goal instead of a by-product
-not letting students fail or suffer consequences
-praising their beauty and intelligence

Learn more here and download a free chapter.

Lies We Tell Our Kids

by Tim Elmore of growingleaders.com/

My friend Greg Doss is an educator. He recently told me about Annie, a high school student who was ranked among the top five in her class.

She always wanted to know who was ranked above her and how they could possibly be taking more A.P. classes than she was. It didn’t surprise me to learn that Annie never received a grade below an “A.” If she ever did, she’d approach her teacher and get permission to re-submit the assignment. It always worked. Annie won awards and attended the Governor’s Honor Program in her state. Her GPA continued to climb. She told Greg that if she ever got a “B” on any project, she’d be devastated.

After graduation, Annie soon learned that post-secondary education is a completely different story. Upon receiving one of her first assignments back, she discovered she had failed it. Annie was shocked. Surely there must be some misunderstanding. She waited until after class to approach the instructor and negotiate. Politely, she asked if she could re-do the assignment. The professor’s reply was pointed: “This is college, not high school. There are no second chances. This is the real world.”

As she spoke to my friend, Greg, Annie was devastated. Her shock turned to grief, and then to anger. But her anger wasn’t directed at her college professor. She told Greg she was upset with the high school culture that “allowed us to keep doing an assignment until we got the grade we wanted.”

For the first time in her life, she had to adapt to the system, rather than the system adapting to her. Annie’s first year was a struggle and she did receive her first “B.”

Like many other adolescents, Annie feels lied to.

Why We Do It?

I recognize what you might be thinking. “Me? I would never lie to my children or my students or my young employees. I am an honest person.”

You think so?

Lying to our kids is rampant in our nation. It happens for a variety of reasons:

• Because we’re insecure. Telling the truth, even gently, requires a deep level of emotional security. The kid we tell the truth to may reject us or may not like us enough to confide in us. Our need to be liked cannot be allowed to eclipse our pursuit of our children’s best interests.
• Because speaking the truth takes time and work. There may be only one truth, but many possible ways to “spin” an issue. Sometimes we lie because it gets us out of a jam. We can’t handle the hassle. At times the lie just seems to make things easier.
• Because the truth can be painful. The truth can hurt and be much more painful than a charming lie, at least in the short run. To most of us, pain feels like an enemy. In the name of peace and harmony, we become “spin doctors.” We so want our kids to be happy, we sacrifice the truth in order to medicate the moment.
• Because facing the truth makes us responsible. Lies sometimes let us off the hook. They allow us to pass the blame to someone else, or avoid facing something we’d rather not acknowledge. Often we’d rather trade in long-term consequences for short-term benefits.
• Because we’ve lost sight of the truth ourselves. We Baby Boomers or Gen-Xers who are raising the next generation have our own set of misconceptions that can affect our ability to be truthful. Sometimes we tell lies because we believe them too.

The Problem with Distortion

I recognize I should probably use a euphemism for the word, “lie.” It sounds so wrong. So harsh. We could replace the word, “lie” by simply calling what we do—distorting the truth. We want to gently introduce reality to our kids, so we withhold some of the truth. Whatever we call it, we still cause long-term problems doing it. When we lie to our kids or distort things for them, disillusionment will follow the dreams that we helped them create—dreams that don’t match their gifts. Consider how it leads to wrong conclusions:

• When we say they’re smart . . . they assume school should require little effort
• When we suggest they’re “amazing” . . . they wonder why everyone doesn’t adore them and want to be around them.
• When we tell them they’re gifted . . . they get confused that people won’t pay big money for their talent.
• When we say they’re awesome at their sport . . . they don’t understand why talent scouts don’t recruit them.

We’ve actually developed a system that automatically sends mixed signals to kids as they mature. Parents drive a car with bumper stickers that say: “My Kid Is Awesome. My Child Is Super Kid of the Month. My Kid Is an Honor Student. I even saw a bumper sticker that said: “My Kid Is Better than Your Kid.” We subtly send them the message: “You’re incredible. Just be nice. Stay within the boundaries and you’ll be rewarded.” Then we place them in institutions that are industrialized, where if they simply follow the rules, keep their nose clean, make a decent grade and follow the advice of the career guidance counselor—their dreams should work out fine.

Uh, no. Not so much anymore.

Literary editor Rebecca Chapman was quoted in the New York Times: “My whole life, I had been doing everything everyone told me. I went to the right school. I got really good grades. I got all the internships. Then, I couldn’t do anything.”

What she’s saying is—she’d been handed the assumption that if you just do what the system tells you to do, it will all work out OK. That’s not necessary true; it’s certainly not guaranteed. Not in this economy. And our kids—the ones we love so much—deserve to know the truth.

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P.S. Today’s post is an excerpt from my new book 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid.
If you’d like to know more about it, Click Here!

- See more at: http://growingleaders.com/blog/lies-tell-kids/#sthash.CVTS10m3.dpuf

6 Rules For Becoming A Better Swimming Parent

by Rick Madge of coachrickswimming.wordpress.com

The start of a season is a good time to review some of the basics. And the first one is the role of a swimming parent. I should warn you here that I’ll be repeating some points I made in a similar post almost exactly one year ago.

Before I start, I should point out that swim parents are actually pretty good when it comes to interacting with their kid’s competitors, officials and coaches, at least in comparison with other sports. In fact, swimming didn’t show up in any of the top 10 list I could find for worst sports parents. And this makes sense. Swimmers can’t hear parents during competitions, when the worst behaviors come out. And we don’t have an official that controls the course of the competition the way so many other sports do.

But just because we don’t see baseball/hockey parent type physical attacks in the stands, or hear vicious verbal abuse of officials, coaches and opposition, doesn’t mean that swimming parents aren’t a problem. Ask pretty much any coach and they’ll tell you that parents are the worst part of their job.

Here are 6 basic rules / suggestions that can help a parent become an asset to their team, and a positive force in their child’s life. The first two are directly from USA Swimming.

1) Be your child’s biggest fan, no matter what. Be positive and supportive, and help them feel better about themselves, especially after a poor swim.

Your swimmer will feel enough pressure from their coach, their peers, and especially themselves that they don’t need more pressure from their parents. In fact, swimmers perform best when they are relaxed. The perfect scenario is when they know that they can mess up in a race, and they will still be loved, supported and encouraged afterwards.

2) Don’t coach.

Coaching involves critiquing, and that implies criticism. Your job is to support your child no matter well how they do. Besides, the chances are overwhelming that the coach knows more than you about swimming. If you insist on telling your child how to swim a race, or how to swim a stroke, then your child is now guaranteed to disappoint either the coach or the parent. It’s a classic no-win situation for the child. That kind of pressure is what makes kids quit.

It really boils down to this. You’ve trusted your child to this coach, so let them coach. And if you don’t trust the coach, get your swimmer out of the program. Now.

3) Do NOT disrupt the practice.

This seems obvious, but so often disregarded. The coach is trying to pay attention to all of the swimmers in the pool. Correcting, urging, cajoling, monitoring, etc. We really don’t have the time or attention to start a conversation with a parent unless it’s an emergency. Seriously.

4) Get involved! Find a volunteer position you feel comfortable with, and help out!

Most teams are run by volunteers, and we need help to provide the complete program. Many volunteer positions require very little time, or are only required a few times a year. And many of you have expertise that can be an incredible help.

5) You are probably driving your kids to practices and meets. So please be on time. In fact, please be 10 minutes early.

Late arrivals disrupt the flow of a practice. Our team policy is that swimmers should be at the pool and ready to swim at least 10 minutes ahead of time.

Late pickups after practice is even more important. Please do not leave the swimmer alone for extended periods of time after practice, and especially if its dark out, or the facility is not crowded, or even closed. We had a huge problem last year with a few parents being up to an hour late picking up their children. This year, we’ve had to instruct our coaches to leave immediately after any post-practice chats. We are not babysitters, and we are NOT responsible for your children once they leave the pool deck.

6) Pay attention to your team’s rules on entering and scratching from meets.

If something comes up and your swimmer can longer attend, let the coach know as soon as possible IN WRITING. Personally, I know that after a long practice I won’t remember a casual comment made by a parent concerning a meet. Also be aware that meets have scratch deadlines. The team still has to pay the entry fees if the swimmer is scratched after that date. Which means the parent is paying the entry fee. There’s nothing we can do about that.

One last suggestion.

Every parent should read this incredible article by Steve Henson in The Post Game, “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent — And What Makes a Great One.” An informal survey of hundreds of college athletes over 3 decades was conducted by two coaches (Bruce E Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching LLC), with two brilliant conclusions coming out.

1) The worst memory of these athletes from playing sports is the ride home from games with their parents. Even the most well intentioned parents critique performance, provide suggestions as to how to do better, or even criticize their team mates or coaches. The athletes hate that.

Their advice: don’t talk about their performance unless they raise the topic.

A fascinating aspect of the survey is that kids love having their grandparents at the games. Grandparents are far more likely to just enjoy watching them participate and give them a hug later. No critiques.

2) This is the big point. The statement made by parents that made them feel the best about themselves and their sport. Just 6 words.

“I love to watch you play.”

That’s it. A completely non-judgmental statement that gives complete support and makes them feel good about themselves.

Those two coaches are brilliant. When it comes to your kids’ sports, act like a grandparent, and use those 6 words.

Lighten Up, Swim Parents!

BY MIKE GUSTAFSON//USASWIMMING.ORG

Sara reaches for the wall, exhausted, straining, and gets 3rd place. She gets out of the water and checks her time. Almost a best time. Almost a win.

Sara is happy. Or at least content. She knows what she has to fix – that second turn was a little off – and is excited to get back to practice on Monday. Sara warms down and smiles to herself. Sure, it wasn’t a best time, but she loves to race. It’s the one time of the week she doesn’t have to worry about tests, homework, that school dance next week…

“You missed your turn,” Sara’s mother says

“Yeah, I know, but I think I can get better,” says Sara.

“You almost won. You should have won,” her father chimes in. “Maybe you should work on your finishes. Do you work on your finishes in practice?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I’ll talk to the coach.”

End scene. 
I’m not a fan of cliché stereotypes that begin with, “There are two types of parents in the world…” but there are definitely two types of parents in the swimming world: The parent that builds, and the parent that breaks.

The above interaction – fictional, though I’m sure happens every day on every pool deck everywhere – didn’t involve screaming, red-faced swim parents with insulting comments. It wasn’t too harsh. It didn’t involve profanity or threats or tirades.

But it wasn’t supportive, either. It wasn’t, “Hey, good race!” with an offer for a hug. Instead, the interaction involved two parents, obviously trying to be supportive of their swimmer, showing up to the race, giving advice, letting their swimmer know what happened, offering critiques.

The thing is: Critiquing is not a parent’s job -- at least when it comes to swimming. Critiquing is the coach’s job.

That’s why coaches exist.

The other day, I was talking about all the emails I get from swimmers around the country and how a majority of them talk about how hard their own parents are on them. Mostly after races. I get emails from swimmers as young as 10 years old who tell me things I’m sure their parents would be horrified me finding out about. They tell me about parents who break down instead of build up. Parents who are critics and let swimmers know what they need to do to improve. Parents who yell after the race is over. Parents who threaten to force their swimmer to quit the sport if victories are in the soon-to-come horizon.

“I bet a lot of these parents, if I read back to them their letters from their swimmers, would be horrified,” I told my friend. “I bet many of these parents don’t even know how much pressure they put on their swimmers.”

No one of us wants to be that bad villain from the Disney movie. You know the kind of villain: The parent who yells at their kid and the kid goes into the bedroom and cries and music grows and we feel appropriately bad for the kid. No parent wants that to be that “villain.” And yet, I think many parents place an incredible amount of pressure on kids without even knowing it.

Many parents don’t even realize it.

Take the scenario I wrote above: It wasn’t necessarily a bad interaction. But it wasn’t good. Sara, like many young swimmers, uses the sport as a way to escape and have fun and race. Swimming, to Sara, is just a way to get away from real-world pressures, of which, at any age, are numerous. Tests, homework, social pressures, that whole “figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life” thing… Sara, like millions of other athletes around the country, just uses sports as a secondary activity, one that is fun and healthy and vigorous and enjoyable.

Many times, though, parental expectations and pressures get in the way of that enjoyment. Let’s face it: Many kids want to impress their parents. They want good feedback. And I understand we live in a society that perhaps praises too often. There’s a joke in one of my favorite sitcoms when the student receives happy clouds and sunshine cartoon icons instead of actual grades. Too much unearned praise can, sometimes, be detrimental.

But again: There are two types of parents.

The kind that build. And the kind that break.

To borrow a line from one of my favorite movies, Stripes: Lighten up, swim parents.

This sport, while teaching many lessons to swimmers, is like climbing a mountain. You learn most lessons on your own. How to climb. How to fall. How to get back up. Swim parents: Let the rest of the world break down your child, because the world out there will gladly do so. Let it be your job to build your child up, to just say, “Great job!” and offer a hug and nothing else. Let the coaches coach. Let the swimmers swim. Let the races be raced. And while everyone needs a good push once in a while and everyone needs encouragement once in a while, this is just swimming. This is just a sport.

A friend of mine recently told me his parents finally told him towards the end of his swimming career, “We know we have been putting too much pressure on you. So now with your last season, just have fun.” And he told me just hearing that from his parents made all the difference. Just hearing those words was like a blessing -- a freeing act, like now he had permission to enjoy the sport again.

And guess what?

In his last meet, he swam lifetime bests. 

He sat and reflected. He then smiled and said, “If only they had told me that sooner.”

 originally posted on www.usaswimming.org

The Birth and Death of Entitlement in Students

By Tim Elmore of growingleaders.com

It’s not a new topic. Almost everyone I speak to agrees that American students in today’s middle class are just a tad bit spoiled. They act “entitled,” say school principals, faculty, deans and athletic coaches. In fact, the term “entitled” is the number one word employers use to describe recent graduates on the job.

Step back and reflect for a moment. If kids act entitled, it’s usually because we adults have allowed them to do so. Someone didn’t curb that attitude early on, and now as adolescents, they are in full throttle. But where did it begin?

According to research, a sense of entitlement in people tends to happen when two realities collide:

1. When a person doesn’t comprehend the big picture.

1. When a person has not experienced life’s normal hardships.

According to a report by Don Tennant, “A lot of what contributes to a sense of entitlement appears to take root very early in life—early childhood experiences in school and with parents … the mentality of ‘if something bad happens, it must not be my fault; if something good happens, it must be because of me.’”

Further, “Comprehensive studies of large swaths of different generations … [have] found higher levels of narcissism in the millennial generation.” One of the reasons we see such a high rate of entitlement among youth today is the rising levels of narcissism among them. Adults (parents, teachers, coaches, youth workers, administrators) have contributed to this mammoth sense of entitlement because we feared being the “bad cop,” providing both a big picture perspective on how most of the world lives and exposing them to real life experiences that reveal how life really works. So, let me share an old legend with you about a father who decided to fix this problem for his son. The story goes like this:

There once lived a rich businessman who had a lazy and fun-loving son. The businessman wanted his son to be hard-working and responsible, to realize the value of labor. One day, he summoned his son and said, “Today, I want you to go out and earn something. If you fail, you won’t have your meals tonight.”

The boy was callous and not used to any kind of work. This demand by his father scared him and he went crying straight to his mother. Her heart melted at the sight of tears in her son’s eyes. She grew restless. In a bid to help him, she gave him a gold coin. In the evening, when the father asked his son what he’d earned, the son promptly presented him the gold coin. The father then asked him to throw it into a well. The son did as he was told.

The father was a man of wisdom and experience and guessed that the source of the gold coin was the boy’s mother. The next day, he sent his wife to her parent’s town, then asked his son to go again and earn something with the threat of being denied the night meals if he failed. This time he went crying to his sister, who sympathized with him and gave him a rupee coin out of her own savings. When his father asked him what he had earned, the boy tossed the rupee coin at him. The father again asked him to throw it in a well. The son did it quite readily.

Again, the father’s wisdom told him that his son had not earned the rupee coin, so he then sent his daughter to her in-laws’ house.He then asked his son a third time to go out and earn something, in order to have something for dinner that night.

This time, with no one to help him out, the son was forced to go to the market in search of work. One of the shopkeepers there told him that he would pay him two rupees if he carried his trunk to his house. The rich man’s son could not refuse and was drenched in sweat by the time he finished the job. His feet were trembling and his neck was aching. There were rashes on his back. Returning home, he produced the two-rupee note to his father. This time, when the boy was asked to throw it into the well, the horrified son almost screamed. He couldn’t imagine throwing his hard-earned money away. Amid the sobbing, the boy stammered, “Father! My entire body is aching. My back has rashes, and you are asking me to throw the money into the well? I don’t think I can do it.”

At this, the father smiled. He told him that one feels this pain only when the fruits of hard labor are wasted. On the earlier two occasions, money was given to him. Therefore, he felt no pain throwing the coins into the well. The son had now realized the value of hard work. He vowed never to be lazy and to safely keep the father’s wealth. The father handed over the keys of his shop to the son.

Perhaps we need to introduce a relevant experience to our students that illustrates both big-picture perspective and real-world reality to them. I’m just sayin’…

Looking to develop leadership skills in students this school year? Check out

Habitudes: Images That Form Leadership Habits and Attitudes

7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders

By Kathy Carprino of http://www.forbes.com/

Part of a new series on Parenting for Success

While I spend my professional time now as a career success coach, writer, and leadership trainer, I was a marriage and family therapist in my past, and worked for several years with couples, families, and children. Through that experience, I witnessed a very wide array of both functional and dysfunctional parenting behaviors. As a parent myself, I’ve learned that all the wisdom and love in the world doesn’t necessarily protect you from parenting in ways that hold your children back from thriving, gaining independence and becoming the leaders they have the potential to be.

I was intrigued, then, to catch up with leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore and learn more about how we as parents are failing our children today — coddling and crippling them — and keeping them from becoming leaders they are destined to be. Tim is a best-selling author of more than 25 books, including Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, and the Habitudes® series. He is Founder and President of Growing Leaders, an organization dedicated to mentoring today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow.

Tim had this to share about the 7 damaging parenting behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives and of the world’s enterprises:

1. We don’t let our children experience risk

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The “safety first” preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do everything we can to protect them. It’s our job after all, but we have insulated them from healthy risk-taking behavior and it’s had an adverse effect. Psychologists in Europe have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never allowed to experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as adults. Kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. If parents remove risk from children’s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.

2. We rescue too quickly

Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with “assistance,” we remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own. It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Sooner or later, kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” When in reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.

3. We rave too easily

The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. Attend a little league baseball game and you’ll see that everyone is a winner. This “everyone gets a trophy” mentality might make our kids feel special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones who think they’re awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face it.

4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well

Your child does not have to love you every minute. Your kids will get over the disappointment, but they won’t get over the effects of being spoiled. So tell them “no” or “not now,” and let them fight for what they really value and need. As parents, we tend to give them what they want when rewarding our children, especially with multiple kids. When one does well in something, we feel it’s unfair to praise and reward that one and not the other. This is unrealistic and misses an opportunity to enforce the point to our kids that success is dependent upon our own actions and good deeds. Be careful not to teach them a good grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall. If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.

5. We don’t share our past mistakes

Healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings and they’ll need to try things on their own. We as adults must let them, but that doesn’t mean we can’t help them navigate these waters. Share with them the relevant mistakes you made when you were their age in a way that helps them learn to make good choices. (Avoid negative “lessons learned” having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc.) Also, kids must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience, what drove your actions, and the resulting lessons learned. Because we’re not the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence.

6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity

Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a child’s maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready for the world. That’s not the case. Some professional athletes and Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent, but still get caught in a public scandal. Just because giftedness is present in one aspect of a child’s life, don’t assume it pervades all areas. There is no magic “age of responsibility” or a proven guide as to when a child should be given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.

7. We don’t practice what we preach

As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become dependable and accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they will know it’s not acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means to give selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and your kids will take note and do the same.

Why do parents engage in these behaviors (what are they afraid of if they don’t)? Do these behaviors come from fear or from poor understanding of what strong parenting (with good boundaries) is?

Tim shares:

“I think both fear and lack of understanding play a role here, but it leads with the fact that each generation of parents is usually compensating for something the previous generation did. The primary adults in kids’ lives today have focused on now rather than later. It’s about their happiness today not their readiness tomorrow. I suspect it’s a reaction. Many parents today had Moms and Dads who were all about getting ready for tomorrow: saving money, not spending it, and getting ready for retirement. In response, many of us bought into the message: embrace the moment. You deserve it. Enjoy today. And we did. For many, it resulted in credit card debt and the inability to delay gratification. This may be the crux of our challenge. The truth is, parents who are able to focus on tomorrow, not just today, produce better results.”

How can parents move away from these negative behaviors (without having to hire a family therapist to help)?

Tim says: “It’s important for parents to become exceedingly self-aware of their words and actions when interacting with their children, or with others when their children are nearby. Care enough to train them, not merely treat them to a good life. Coach them, more than coddle.“

Here’s a start:

1. Talk over the issues you wish you would’ve known about adulthood.
2. Allow them to attempt things that stretch them and even let them fail.
3. Discuss future consequences if they fail to master certain disciplines.
4. Aid them in matching their strengths to real-world problems.
5. Furnish projects that require patience, so they learn to delay gratification.
6. Teach them that life is about choices and trade-offs; they can’t do everything.
7. Initiate (or simulate) adult tasks like paying bills or making business deals.
8. Introduce them to potential mentors from your network.
9. Help them envision a fulfilling future, and then discuss the steps to get there.
10. Celebrate progress they make toward autonomy and responsibility.

How are you parenting your children? Are you sacrificing their long-term growth for short-term comfort?

(For more about developing our children’s leadership capabilities, visit Tim Elmore and Growing Leaders at www.growingleaders.com and follow @GrowingLeaders and@TimElmore on Twitter.)

Five Changes I’d Make If I Could Parent Over Again

By Tim Elmore of growingleaders.com

This month was a big turning point for my wife and me: we officially became “empty nesters.” In contemplating this new stage in life, we began to reflect on the good (and sometimes not-so-good) experiences we had as parents, on the times in which our parenting skills were tested.

What’s interesting is that throughout the years of working with adults, I’ve seen a unique pattern when it comes to parenting. Many tend to “over-protect and over-connect,” two acts that can potentially limit their kids from maturing properly. In light of these findings, I offer five changes I’d make if I could parent over again:

1. I would do less preventing and more preparing.

In our effort to ensure that our kids experience no major catastrophies in their childhood that could permanently damage their emotions, we find ourselves reminding them incessantly:

• Don’t forget your backpack.
• Don’t forget to take your meds.
• Don’t forget practice is at 4:00.
• Don’t forget your homework.
• Don’t forget your grandma’s birthday today.

Our goal is understandable. We want to prevent bad things from happening. When children are young, this is not only normal, it’s necessary. But by age ten, their brains have formed enough that they can (and should) take responsibility for many areas of their behavior. When we constantly remind them of important items, they tend to become dependent on others for things they should be taking ownership of themselves. We actually enable them to rely on others — and even blame others — when they should be learning to take responsibility for their life. This isn’t healthy.

Preparing children for the future means increasingly letting them get used to the weight of responsibility by not protecting them from the consequences of poor choices. Consequences are a natural part of life. In fact, our world is full of them, and they often come in the form of equations: if you do this, that will be the benefit; if you do that, this will be the consequence. Parents must consistently demonstrate and model these equations for their kids.

2. I would offer fewer explanations and more experiences.

Many parents I surveyed were predisposed to do the things I did. They gave lots of wisdom-filled talks to unsuspecting (and often ungrateful) children. They asked themselves, “Don’t kids realize the grief we’re sparing them from, if they’d only listen to our lectures?”

Looking back, I now see kids don’t learn well from a parent’s lecture. They do learn from engaging experiences, moments from which a parent can host a conversation and teach a life lesson. The need for a parent, then, is to cultivate environments and experiences for our kids to grow from. Our goal must shift from control to connect. Control is a myth—as any parent of a teenager will tell you. What they need are experiences that teach them how to operate effectively in the world.

When our kids are rescued or over-indulged, their social, emotional, spiritual and intellectual muscles can atrophy because they’re not exercised, so it’s our duty as parents to let them face measured hardships that ultimately help them grow. For example, I learned conflict resolution on a baseball field, where my friends and I had to umpire our own games; I learned discipline by tossing newspapers on driveways at 5:30 a.m. each morning; I learned patience sitting on a bench as a second-string basketball player; and I cultivated a work ethic closing a fast food restaurant each night at 11:00 p.m. Far too often today, parents safeguard kids from many of these experiences.

3. I would risk more and rescue less.

We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. Toxic. High voltage. Flammable. Slippery when wet. Steep curve ahead. Don’t walk. Hazard. This “safety first” preoccupation emerged over thirty years ago with the Tylenol scare and with children’s faces appearing on milk cartons. We became fearful for our kids, so we put knee-pads, safety belts and helmets on them… at the dinner table. (Just kidding on that one). The truth is, we’ve insulated our kids from anything that is risky.

Unfortunately, over-protecting our young people has had an adverse effect on them.

According to research from the University of Sheffield:

Children of risk-averse parents have lower test scores and are slightly less likely to attend college than offspring of parents with more tolerant attitudes toward risk … Aversion to risk may prevent parents from making inherently uncertain investments in their children’s human capital; it’s also possible that risk attitudes reflect cognitive ability, researchers say.

Sadly, adults continue to vote to remove playground equipment from parks so kids won’t have accidents, as well as request that teachers stop using red ink as they grade papers and even cease from using the word “no” in class. “It’s all too negative,” they say. Forgive me—but while I understand the intent to protect students, we are seriously failing at getting them ready for a world that is anything but risk-free.

As kids grow older, psychologists in Europe are discovering the adverse effects of this overprotection. Interviews reveal that young adults who grew up in risk-free environments are now fearful of normal risks because they never took any risks as kids. The truth is, kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal — they may even need to skin their knee. Teens likely need to break up with a girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require.

4. I would be less concerned with schools and more with skills.

Many parents I’ve spoken to work hard to position their kids to get into the best colleges possible. We bought into the tradition that the right school guarantees a great career. What many don’t realize is that the rules are changing. More and more employers are begging for skills sets, sometimes soft-skills, that many graduates simply don’t possess. Nearly three-quarters of hiring managers complain that Millennials — even those with college degrees — aren’t prepared for the job market and lack an adequate “work ethic,” according to a survey from Bentley University. In other words, the jobs were ready, but the kids weren’t, and to be frank, I don’t know one employer who’s asking about GPA in the interview.

What our kids need are life skills, developed in earlier work experiences. These skills can’t be developed in a classroom, but in real tasks that require risk.

Childhood may be about safety and self-esteem, but as a student matures, risk and achievement are necessities in forming their identity and confidence. According to a study by University College London, risk-taking behavior peaks during adolescence. This is when they must learn, via experience, the consequences of certain behaviors. Our failure to let them risk this may explain why so many young adults still live at home, haven’t started their careers, or have yet to experience a serious relationship. Normal risk-taking at 14 or 15 would have prepared them for decisions that require risks, such as moving away from home, launching a career, or getting married.

5. I would spend less on possessions and more on perspective.

The number one growing demographic of at-risk kids are teens who come from upper-middle class homes. Why? The more resources they have, the less resourceful they become. Possessions without perspective can lead to real trouble. If I were to do the parenting thing over, I would reward less and rewind more. Instead of giving them all this stuff, I would take the time to debrief experiences and offer perspective on them. Less ribbons and more reality… offered with tender, loving care.

Over the years, I learned my kids needed an equal but opposite dose of both autonomy and responsibility. Whenever they requested autonomy (the ability to act independently and free from adult supervision), I needed to provide them an equal amount of responsibility. One without the other creates unhealthy young adults. If my son wanted to borrow the family car for the night, he needed to fill the tank with gas. Teens who get lots of autonomy with little or no responsibility become brats.

In summary, I would prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.

If you’d like to go deeper and get specific ideas on healthy parenting, check out my new book Twelve Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid.

11 Tips for Instilling True Gratitude in Your Kids

By Andrea Reiser (www.huffingtonpost.com)

Teaching our kids to say "thank you" is important, but truly instilling a sense of gratitude in them is another matter entirely. Gratitude goes beyond good manners -- it's a mindset and a lifestyle.

A recent Wall Street Journal article about raising kids with gratitude acknowledged a growing interest in the area of gratitude in the younger generation. The piece cited studies showing that kids who count their blessings reap concrete benefits, including greater life satisfaction and a better attitude about school. Sounds good, right?

But before we get to the how, let's explore the why. What's the big deal about having an attitude of gratitude anyway?

First of all, gratitude is healthy for us. Believe it or not, gratitude benefits adults and kids alike on a very basic level. In fact, a study conducted by Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, reveals that cultivating gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25 percent. It can also cause individuals to live happier, more satisfied lives and enjoy increased levels of self-esteem, hope, empathy and optimism. Other studies have shown that kids who practice grateful thinking have more positive attitudes toward school and family.

Gratitude also grants perspective -- even in kids. When you take into account the sheer amount of opportunities, privileges and material possessions most kids enjoy through no effort of their own, it's easy to see why many of them feel entitled. After all, they get used to getting stuff without knowing or caring where it comes from. Practicing gratitude, on the other hand, underscores the fact that all those toys and lessons and creature comforts don't just pop out of thin air. When kids recognize that the things they own and the opportunities they have come from someone other than themselves, it helps them develop a healthy understanding of how interdependent we all are -- and they may be more inclined to treat others with genuine respect.

In addition, gratitude improves relationships. Think about it: would you rather show up at work every day to colleagues who freely acknowledge and appreciate your contributions, or colleagues who take your efforts for granted with a perfunctory grunt of thanks? The appreciative co-workers, of course. It's a simple principle: gratitude fosters stronger, more positive and more genuine relationships.

Finally, gratitude counteracts the "gimmes." Ughhh. Think Veruca Salt and her constant refrain of "Don't care how, I want it now!" Fundamentally, gratitude is about being aware of who or what makes positive aspects of our lives possible, and acknowledging that. When kids learn to think in those terms, they can be less apt to make mindless, self-centered demands. Plus, they begin to appreciate what they have rather than focusing on what they wish they had.

So how can we help our kids learn to live gratefully? Gratitude starts at home, and here are 11 tips to help you start growing an attitude of gratitude in your own household:

1. Name your blessings.
Have a moment of thanks each day when everyone shares something they're thankful for. Whether the list includes a favorite toy, a particularly good piano lesson or a birthday card from Nana, this daily tradition can help develop a positive frame of mind. Older kids might even prefer to keep a gratitude journal and write down a few things they were thankful for each day before going to bed.

Sometimes when my kids have been particularly blue or negative, I've had them send me a nightly email with three things they're grateful for. It's been a successful solution every time, and realizing the good in their lives results in a quick and significant shift of attitude.

2. Be a grateful parent.
What an invaluable exercise it is to tell our kids why we're grateful to have them! It goes without saying that we love our kids, and that we're thankful beyond words for their love, their smiles, their hugs and so much more. When we tell them what makes them special to us, their self-esteem is boosted for the right reasons (not because they have the latest smartphone or because they're dressed fashionably). Plus, our example shows them that gratitude extends well beyond material things.

3. Resist the urge to shower them with too much "stuff."
The old adage "all things in moderation" is a useful guideline here. Of course we to want to give our kids the best, and this isn't to suggest that we refuse to buy them anything but the bare essentials. But buying kids whatever they want, whenever they want, dilutes the gratitude impulse and it can mean that they don't learn to value or respect their possessions. They wind up having so much stuff, they don't appreciate each toy or game or device, as they keep setting their sights on what's shinier and newer.

4. Have 'em pitch in when they want something.
If your kids get an allowance or earn money at a job, have them participate in buying some of the things they want. When kids themselves take the time to save up, they have an ownership stake in the purchase and gain an understanding of the value of a dollar by working toward what they want. It also teaches restraint and encourages kids to appreciate what they have, as well as giving them a more realistic perspective on what you and others do for them.

5. Keep thank-you notes on hand.
Sadly, sending handwritten thank-you notes seems to be a dying art. But it's actually a perfect way to encourage kids to express gratitude -- and as an added bonus, it can make the recipient's day. Of course it's more than appropriate for kids to send notes when they receive gifts, but we can also encourage them to thank teachers at the end of the school year, Little League coaches, ballet teachers, kind pediatricians, helpful librarians, families who host them for overnights or parties. There are loads of opportunities throughout the year for kids to recognize and thank those who have done something special for them, and it's a habit that if they start young, they'll naturally carry throughout life. It's important that kids compose and handwrite the notes themselves, and we as parents can set the example by making sure to write thank-you notes on a variety of occasions.

6. Set a good example by saying "thank you" sincerely and often.
The values our kids embrace as they get older aren't those we nag them into learning, but the ones they see us living out. There are countless opportunities every day for us to model gratitude for our kids -- for example, thanking the waitress who serves your food, the cashier who rings you up at the grocery store, the teller at the bank who cashes your check. When our kids see us expressing sincere thanks all the time, they'll be more inclined to do so as well.

7. Link gratitude to your Higher Power.
Most religious traditions emphasize the practice of gratitude through acknowledging blessings and through serving others. Attending regular religious services is one way for kids to gain a sense of gratitude as part of a community. Even those who aren't part of a formal worship community can offer prayers personally at appropriate times. Spirituality and gratitude go hand in hand.

8. Encourage them to give back.
The old saying "it's better to give than to receive" has stuck around for a reason. It really does feel great to help someone else out. Depending on their ages, kids can rake leaves for an elderly neighbor, say, or volunteer at a nursing home a few hours a week. You might even make service a family activity. When kids give their time and energy to help others, they're less likely to take things like health, home and family for granted.

9. Insist on politeness and respect all around.
When we teach our children to treat others with dignity and respect, they'll be more likely to appreciate the ways in which those folks contribute to and improve their lives. By the same token, they'll be less likely to take assistance and kindness for granted, and more likely to give it the value it deserves. It's crucial for us as parents to model for our children the importance of treating all people with respect. Sometimes we put more emphasis on showing respect for bosses, spiritual leaders and other high-profile people, while forgetting to extend the same courtesy to others. We need to model for our kids the importance of treating everyone with respect.

10. Look for teachable moments.
Sure, we all take the opportunity to have periodic conversations about values with our children -- but the key is to keep our eyes open for situations that eloquently illustrate our point. We need to seize those moments and be prepared to use them as the powerful teaching aids that they are. When kids can connect the concept of gratitude to a real-life situation, the lesson we're teaching will be much more likely to stick.

11. Find the silver lining.
It's human nature to see the glass half-empty from time to time -- and children are no exception. When kids complain or gripe, it can be helpful to try to find a response that looks on the bright(er) side. It's called an "attitude of gratitude" for a reason -- it's about perspective more than circumstance. Sometimes it's tempting to wallow lingeringly in self-pity. But as parents we need to remember that it's more productive to teach our kids to be resilient and refocus them on the positives they may be overlooking.

One of my most memorable lessons in having a grateful perspective came from a salmon slicer at Zabar's in New York City. I casually asked how he'd been, and his response stopped me in my tracks.

"Blessed," he said. "I go home to a warm bed. There's food on my table. I have running water and I can take a hot shower. I am blessed."

How powerful is that?! Just imagine how different life would be if we all adopted this attitude and passed it on to our children as well.

The Five Greatest Predictors of Student Success

By Tim Elmore of growingleaders.com

Educators have focused on helping students through transitions for years now. You know what I mean, don’t you? Transitions like…

• From elementary school to middle school…
• From middle school to high school…
• From high school to college…
• From college to career (or in some cases, back to their parent’s basement).

Far too often, we’ve focused on predictors such as Grade Point Average or SAT scores. We figure if a kid is smart—they’ll stay in school and continue to be engaged in class. It made sense to us.

Today we’re realizing those are not the most significant categories to measure.

According to First Year Experience programs and our work with over 6,000 schools and organizations worldwide, we have reduced the list of highest predictors of student success (meaning engagement, excellent performance and satisfaction) to what we call the “Big Five.”  The “Big Five” are quite simple. When a student experiences these five realities they are most likely to graduate and excel in life:

1. Getting connected to the right people.

For years the National Survey of Student Engagement (NSSE) has confirmed the importance of close, accountable relationships in student success. We continue to find that students who fail to graduate or succeed in school are ones who fail to engage with others outside of class or don’t get involved with activities involving new people. They get stuck and then don’t have a support system to make them want to continue. They also have no accountability strong enough to prevent them from quitting. Research shows that when students get connected to solid people (peers or mentors) they tend to stick with commitments and follow through. The Federal Mentoring Council^[1] shares one study of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program found students with mentors earning higher grades than similar students without mentors. A 2007 study discovered that kids in a mentoring relationship^[2] at school did better work in class, finished more assigned work, and improved overall in academics—especially in science and in written and oral communication. After graduation, “employees who have had mentors typically earn thousands more than employees who haven’t^[3].” Those people act as “guardrails” preventing youth from shifting or drifting from their course.

History indicates that people intuitively understood the importance of connectedness with accountability, but we have migrated into a more individualistic lifestyle in recent times. Today we have connectedness (often on Facebook) without accountability. Victor Hugo was a brilliant writer, but very distracted. It took him seventeen years to finish Les Miserables. His solution? He asked his servant to take his clothes while he was sleeping. This forced him to stay in his room…and write. This guardrail enabled him to finish Les Miserables—and the world has benefited greatly. Today, students need these guardrails.

2. Possessing adaptability and resilience.

There is a growing body of research in the last decade suggesting that adults have created a fragile population of children. Because parents or teachers have not demanded they overcome adversity or we’ve not leveled consequences to their behavior, kids often become brittle young adults, unable to cope with the demands of life. You can imagine a student like this has trouble with transitions and the hardship of adapting to new situations. Let me illustrate this drift:

• In 2006, 60% of students moved back home after finishing college. In 2010, that number had risen to 80%^[4]. It’s more than a bad economy. They’re not career-ready.
• Condoleezza Rice and Joel Klein report three out of four teens aren’t even fit to serve in the military^[5] due to obesity, failure to graduate high school or their criminal records.
• The MacArthur Foundation funded a research project that said for many kids, the transition into adulthood doesn’t occur until 34 years of age^[6].

I don’t believe this stall in students is because they’re unintelligent or bad kids. I believe we’ve failed to prepare them to cope with demands. We somehow felt that self-esteem meant we should affirm them consistently and prevent them from falling or failing. Sadly, this has had the opposite effect. We have risked too little, we have rescued too quickly and we have raved to easily about our kids—and now they find it hard to navigate transitions. Adaptability and resilience are priceless possessions that predict success far more than good grades and high SAT scores.

3. Developing high emotional intelligence.

You know this already. Forty years ago, educators frequently believed that the kid with the highest IQ would do the best, and later become the most successful. Now, it appears it’s more about EQ than IQ. If a student has high self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management, they’re more likely to graduate, excel and become a leader. It’s more about life skills and soft skills than memorizing lectures and taking exams. The concept of emotional intelligence has proven to be so influential, that it’s now inculcated the planning of educators. For example, policy makers in one state are using school programs to cultivate emotional intelligence and social intelligence in order to prevent crime, increase mental health, deepen student engagement and lower unemployment. In Georgia and Nebraska, we’ve begun working with the department of education to create curriculum that will spark conversations about these soft skills to not only increase graduation rates but make kids employable when they do graduate.

Quite frankly, the reason emotional intelligence has become such a large factor in student success is that kids today struggle more with mental health issues than they did forty years ago. This, in turn, leads to poor performance and high dropout rates. Research in education and psychology now shows the benefits of Social Emotional Learning (SEL) programs for children as young as preschoolers. Public awareness is catching up to the research. A New York Times editorial reviewed key research findings, saying, “…social and emotional learning programs significantly improve students’ academic performance.” Additional studies also show emotional intelligence is strongly linked to staying in school, avoiding risk behaviors, and improving health, happiness, and life success.

4. Targeting a clear outcome.

This one should be obvious. Whenever a student enters school (high school or college) with a clear goal, they are more likely to stay engaged and finish well. I believe it’s the primary difference between school and sports…or for that matter: work and sports. We love sports in America because it’s often the one place where the goal is clear. Every football field has an end zone; every basketball court has a rim and backboard. We know what the score is and it energizes us. For many, both school and work represent places where we endure the drudgery and eventually disengage.

A university study conducted on “peace of mind” sought to find the greatest factors that contributed to people’s stability. The top five they discovered were:

1. Refusing to live in the past.
2. The absence of suspicion, resentment and regret.
3. Not wasting time and energy fighting conditions you cannot change.
4. Refusing to indulge in self-pity.
5. Forcing yourself to get involved with a major goal in your current world.

When author Dan Pink researched what motivates both students and adults at the highest level, he concluded it could be summarized in three elements:

1. Autonomy – The student worked at their pace and created their future.
2. Mastery – The student believed they were growing and improving.
3. Purpose – The student worked on a goal they felt was meaningful.

5. Making good decisions.

This one is almost predictable. The students who succeed make right decisions in and out of class. These are decisions that determine their moral compass, their discretionary time, their study habits, their predisposition to cheat, their outside work and how they deal with setbacks and stress. All of these can be pivotal in determining whether a kid succeeds or surrenders. Like us, students must keep a clear objective in mind. May I illustrate?

The team who created the popular game Angry Birds spent eight years and almost all their money on more than fifty games before their big success occurred. By 2012, Pinterest was among the fastest-growing websites ever, but it had struggled for some time. In CEO Ben Silbermann’s words, it had “catastrophically small numbers” for a year. He said “if he had listened to popular startup advice he probably would have quit.”

James Dyson went through 5,126 prototypes before arriving at his “revolutionary vacuum cleaner.” We all know Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times at inventing the light bulb. The popular company Groupon nearly went out of business—but went on to a “meteoric rise.” And do you know where WD-40’s name came from? It literally means “Water Displacement—40th Attempt.” Somebody kept a clear goal in mind. So must students.

Learning from Mistakes: Helping Kids See the Good Side of Getting Things Wrong

by Marilyn Price-Mitchell PhD

Adults understand that making mistakes is part of life.  What’s important is how we learn from them.

Yet, many children are growing up in a society that pressures them to be perfect – to get the highest SAT scores, to land prized scholarships, to get into the best universities.  Some parents correct or complete children’s homework to get them a better grade. So how does all this focus on testing and perfection affect kids’ learning?  And how can we help them learn from mistakes?

I recently came across an article in Scientific American, Getting it Wrong: Surprising Tips on How to Learn that supports a number of learning and developmental theories.  Historically, many educators have created conditions for learning that do not encourage errors.  And parents have followed suit.  For example, if we drill children over and over again with the same math problem, they will eventually remember the answer. And if they are lucky, they will remember the answer on a standardized test.

This approach to learning assumes that if students are allowed to make mistakes, they will not learn the correct information.  However, recent research shows this to be an incorrect assumption. In fact, studies have found that learning is enhanced when children make mistakes!

Whether it involves homework, developing friendships, or playing soccer, learning is enriched through error.  Learning from mistakes is part of how kids are challenged to learn to do things differently. It motivates them to try new approaches.

Carol Dweck, a professor at Stanford, studies the importance of challenging children, even if they get things wrong.  Her research shows that praising children for their intelligence can actually make them less likely to persist in the face of challenge.  She and her colleagues followed hundreds of 5^thgrade children in New York City schools.  One group was praised for their intelligence while the other group was praised for their effort.

When the 5^th graders were challenged with an extremely difficult test designed for 8^th graders, a surprising result occurred.  The students who had been praised for their effort worked very hard, even though they made a lot of mistakes.  The kids praised for being smart became discouraged and saw their mistakes as a sign of failure.  Intelligence testing for the kids praised for their effort increased by 30% while the kids praised for their intelligence dropped by 20%. I’ve written before about the value of specific rather than general praise in relation to developing character strengths.  It’s the same concept — and an important one.

Expressing Unconditional Love

I will never forget a ParentNet Meeting I facilitated when my daughter was in 8^th grade.  One father in the group, a business executive with Microsoft, asked the other parents, “How do I let my daughter know that I still love her even if she makes mistakes?” There was a brief silence. Then someone said, “Have you ever told her?”  Another silence. Then tears came to this father’s eyes.  “No,” he said, “I haven’t. But I will now.”

That moment of simple realization was profound for all of us. Do our kids really feel that our love is dependent upon being a perfect student?  I’m sure we all went home and reinforced this message of love to our kids – just in case it wasn’t already loud and clear!

Children make many kinds of mistakes – some are simple and some are more complex.  For example, some mistakes, like forgetting a homework assignment or not studying for an important test, have expected consequences. Others, like lying, cheating, or actions that negatively affect friendships, have more complicated causes and are more complex to remedy. But all mistakes contain seeds of learning.

Learning from Mistakes: Ten Parenting Guidelines that Foster Positive Youth Development

• Acknowledge that you don’t expect them to be perfect.
• Let them know your love is unconditional, regardless of their mistakes or lapses in judgment.
• Don’t rescue children from their mistakes. Instead, focus on the solution.
• Provide examples of your own mistakes, the consequences, and how you learned from them.
• Encourage them to take responsibility for their mistakes and not blame others.
• Avoid pointing out their past mistakes. Instead, focus on the one at hand.
• Praise them for their ability to admit their mistakes.
• Praise them for their efforts and courage to overcome setbacks.
• Mentor them on how to apologize when their mistakes have hurt others.
• Help them look at the good side of getting things wrong!

Article posted from www.rootsofaction.com