The Balance Between Empowerment and Performance

By Tim Elmore of growingleaders.com

I’ve developed another theory based on research I’ve done on student athletes and their corresponding adult coaches and parents. After interpreting the results of a coaches’ poll recently, it is clear that resilience among kids today is diminishing. In fact, while young people have many advantages kids did not enjoy fifty years ago, they are showing a decline in personal drive and a rise in mental health issues. In short: ambition is down, anxiety is up.

What’s up with that?

As adults, we push our kids because we see so much potential in them. They often feel, however, that adults push them too hard, and that playing sports is more about pleasing dad or a coach instead of about the fun of the game. HBO is currently running a special program called, “The State of Play: Trophy Kids.” It’s about this gap between kids and their parents (and even their coaches).

Let me decipher what is happening millions of times around the U.S.

From ages 5-10, kids are awarded trophies just for participating in sports or other activities. However, between ages 10-18, students begin to be pushed by their parents to work harder. This causes some students to experience emotional trauma, as hard work was not embedded in their upbringing. Suddenly, ambition and resilience plummet. We’re shocked. But to students, parents who have lived vicariously through them suddenly transition from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.

Here is the sequence that happens millions of times each week:

• For parents, teachers, coaches, we see a lack of ambition in students.
• We also see so much potential inside we don’t want them to miss.
• We begin to challenge them to be and do more, to put out more effort.
• Eventually—we create a Performance Trap, where they begin believing our approval of them is completely dependent on their achievement.

Sometimes, even nominal amounts of pressure turn into a Performance Trap for them because we failed to build resilience and identity—they want to quit, when the smallest obstacle surfaces. It’s not fun…because it’s not easy. We should’ve built a love for the struggle, but we didn’t. Their motivation quietly shifts from a love of the game to pleasing a parent or coach. It’s artificial and won’t stand the test of time. And if they decide to stay in the sport, they become mentally or emotional unhealthy.

If parents and coaches hadn’t made the mistake of rewarding everything in our young children—when the stakes are very low—we would have better prepared them mentally and emotionally for adolescence. In fact, I contend that keeping score and providing trophies to only the highest achievers will actually boost the self-esteem in our children. They would comprehend the value of achievement and aspire to it. When everyone gets a reward, its value drops and it begins to mean nothing. This does not bolster self-esteem—it boosts narcissism. It’s artificial confidence that unfortunately can’t withstand the pressure we apply when they grow older and we expect more. It’s like building a house with heavy bricks and sheet rock on a foundation of sand. Of course it won’t stand up to the weight—it’s not sturdy. So, our kids advance into adolescence with greater levels of depression and anxiety than any generation of children in modern history. We did a disservice to them.

Moving From Performance Traps to Empowerment

May I suggest the following initial steps for you as a coach or parent:

1. Help them establish their identity outside of a sport or a course.
2. Affirm your support and belief in them, regardless of their talent.
3. Consistently affirm variables that are in their control, such as effort.
4. With their help, establish standards for them to aspire to as they perform.
5. Reward them only when they reach those standards.
6. Continually communicate the potential you see in them.

Dr. Michael Unger, a child therapist, writes: “We seem these days to have a magical notion that children can learn…by just watching and listening to others talk about it. That just isn’t the way our brains develop. We are experiential beings. Lev Vygotsky, a famous child psychologist from Russia, demonstrated very well what he calls ‘zones of proximal development.’ We need to be pushed, not too far, but just enough to learn something new. Good development occurs when we are invited to accept challenges that are just big enough to demand we work at solving them, but that they don’t completely defeat us.”

One more thing. The surest way to develop an unhealthy student athlete (or “mathlete” for that matter) is to vicariously live your life through them. If your identity is too closely tied to their performance, it always leads to trouble. In short, we adults need to get a life, too.

- See more at: http://growingleaders.com/blog/the-balance-between-empowerment-and-performance/#sthash.afLEk5MU.dpuf

Self-Talk for Children Conquer Stinking Thinking!

Coaches Corner with Da-Nay Macklin
Self-Talk for Children: Conquer Stinking Thinking!
By: Da-Nay Macklin BS,CCLC

“If you hear a voice within you saying, you are not a painter, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh

Some may ask; what is that little voice speaking yet so loudly?

The voice in your head is referred to as Self Talk. Self talk deals with the positive and negative communication that makes up our inner conversation of thoughts. As parents we have the opportunity to support our children in silencing the negative self-talk. We must encourage, instill, and continuously remind our children regarding the importance of positive self-talk. Without positive self-talk our children may resort to negative self talk, contributing to harsh questions or statements including but not limited to the following: I’m not smart enough to pass math class, I will never get a good score on the ACT test, or what college will accept these grades? Simply put, negative self talk is just stinking thinking! Stinking thinking results in low self esteem in return leading to social withdrawal, lack of social skills & self confidence, and being reluctant to take on challenges. The numbers are rather alarming regarding this long laundry list of unconstructive characteristics that stem from low self esteem. These three are specifically mentioned due to their critical nature to not only be taught earlier on but to understand their importance. Consider the importance of these skills in being critical for your child to successfully navigate not only in the classroom but for the rest of their lives.

What is your child thinking?

Did you realize that there are 86,400 seconds in a 24 hour day, & according to experts in Psychology humans have a different thought every 1.2 seconds? During the day, how is your child processing such rapid thoughts? Parents we must educate ourselves on the realities facing our children day-to-day. Most importantly we must equip our children to deal accordingly. Please allow the below to serve in encouraging and empowering you as a parent or care taker to utilize the below tools in equipping our children to go to war. The continuous war against stinking thinking! After implementing these tools the war to battle and conquer stinking thinking on your child’s mental playground will serve as valuable life skills.

Whether we care to admit it or not, as parents we lead by example in displaying negative or positive self talk. Which of the two are you consciously or sub-consciously promoting? Positive self talk can transform attitudes from hopelessness to hopeful! This transformation then fuels them by supplying the necessary level of determination & endurance. Reported studies have shown that more kid’s who repeat good things about themselves to themselves, followed by the actual belief of positive self talk then serves as a guide to automatically incorporate those positive feelings that go along with them. These tools serve as a powerful reminder of continuous optimism in place of negativity during unpleasant situations. From this day forward let us serve in a united crusade to conquer stinking thinking for your child and mine!

Five Steps to Conquer Stinking Thinking:

1. Observation & Acknowledgement – work on catching those negative comments your child periodically makes then ne sure to turn it into a positive experience revealing the false negative thought. For example, if your child misses a shot while playing basketball they may think, “I am so bad at basketball. I should just quit playing.” The child must learn to replace that negative with a positive like, “I may have missed the shot, but I will practice harder and next time I will make that shot.” Be mindful to acknowledge & remind them of your own personal observations such as, “I’m proud to see you taking the initiative to stay after school and practice your jump shot-Good Work!”
2. Self Awareness – Teach your child to hear themselves and recognize the importance of eliminating harsh words in their own minds. It then becomes about teaching the child self awareness and control too. For example, limit the use of unkind words like “I hate or I can’t” such unforgiving words invite more negative connotations than necessary into your child’s life. A mental alert then begins to alarm them at the onsite of their insensitive words to then pause and allow the “red light” to flash and immediately stop this behavior.
3. Hopeful vs. Hopeless (Perception) – “Is the glass half empty or half full?” Meaning that a particular situation could be cause to be Hopeful (half full) or Hopeless (half empty) in teaching them to look for the opportunity in every situation.
4. Positive Affirmations- positive self-affirming statements serve as an important self-empowerment tool. For example, “I love myself unconditionally” & “I feel good about myself and my surroundings” are just a couple to introduce to your child. Allow them to create their own with your guidance which serves to create a greater bond.
5. Adopt a Positive Attitude- is vital in a world ever-increasing in negativity and hopelessness. Adopting a positive attitude allows you & your child to focus on all the good life has to offer instead of dwelling on the negative. Parents can help children in developing positive attitudes on the road to facing obstacles as they grow up. A positive attitude is shaped and nourished through positive self talk. Teach your child to avoid saying, “I can’t” as this statement makes your child feel badly about themselves & worst of all inadequate. Instead adopt an attitude of I can which builds healthy self esteem and confidence and crushes the “I can’t” thoughts.

Positive self talk will not only help your child to embrace and love their individuality, at the same time, it allows them to accept and deal with the world happening around them. Enabling them to live a happier life by exuding their own power to control their inner voice provides a very liberating experience for both parent and child.

Good luck, and without a shadow of a doubt you can do this. You can do it because you are an amazing parent. And no one knows this better than you. Continue to practice positive self talk with your child throughout their life and remember to lead by example in all you do as we are more than a conqueror!

Article from www.danaymacklin.com