A couple weeks ago, I sat in on my daughter’s first day of school and listened to the teacher as she described the rules for her class. I snoozed through half the lecture, not needing to hear the rules about using the bathroom, raising your hand, yada yada, until she got to the last one: the cell phone rule.
Say what?
This is fourth grade.
No cell phones allowed. Leave them in the back pack, turned off. Or leave them at home.
Man, that got sighs and eye-rolls and (practically) tears. In fourth grade.
More than half the class has cell phones. Not just cell phones, either. These kids are packing top of the line smartphones. This is definitely a sign of the times. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with those kids having phones. In fact, on the way out, I heard one classmate use a voice-to-text to tell his mom, “I’m walking home now.” I wonder, though, did he do anything to earn the phone? Or does he appreciate the phone?
Don’t get me wrong – our son has a smart phone (an iPhone, to be exact). What’s great about this is it’s our biggest piece of leverage we have with him. He loves his phone and the second we make the threat (to take it away), whatever the issue is, it’s fixed. Of course, we’ve also taken the kids to an “old-school” pay phone, one we searched high and low for, and made them call us. Our daughter almost vomited from whatever sticky mess was on the mouth piece of the phone. Thank God our son is a numbers wiz because he actually had several phone numbers memorized. They needed lessons on how to put the money in (like a candy machine) and then what to do. “You push the buttons…like a cell phone. Hello!” They couldn’t understand the concept, hence, their instantly renewed gratitude for the cell phone.
“Please, Mom,” my 13-year-old son said, “I’ll do any chore. Just never make me call from one of these again.”
Okay, so the lesson wasn’t exactly torture (minus the three required hand washing sessions because both my kids are heart patients and therefore not equipped with the best immune systems), but it did the trick. It was one of the daily, weekly or monthly lessons in gratitude I so love to spring on them.
I will say this: I have a slight benefit in this over-entitled world. My kids were born with chronic illnesses. They’ll never have it “easy”. They’ve learned the hard way not to take things for granted. There’s times when they’ve been so sick, we worried about living. Period. There’s not a lot of BIG things we take for granted. I find, though, like normal kids in the 21st century, they tend to take some of the little things for granted. So how do I make sure this doesn’t happen?
1. Be a role model.
I work hard every day not to take things for granted. I teach gratitude by showing my own gratitude. You shouldn’t need to on the brink of death or have had something happen to realize how important people or things are in your life, or how lucky you are. If you don’t take things for granted, neither will your kids.
2. It’s always a WIP (Work In Progress).
Learning gratitude is something that never stops. You must always take the time to be grateful for what you have and the people in your life.
3. Choose just one thing and practice.
You can’t expect entitled 21st century kids to change their spots in a day. Choose one item or one person to focus on and pick one activity to show how grateful you are for that choice. Make a list of things you like about that person. Write a thank you note for the item you received.
4. Thank your children.
Again, when you model gratitude, you’re teaching them the behavior. If they do something right or complete a task without being asked, thank them. They’re human, too. They like to be appreciated. When you appreciate them it teaches them to appreciate you.
5. Teach them about freedom.
Regardless of your political beliefs, and without spouting off your ideas about politicians, teach your children about the freedom they are awarded in this country. Remind them regularly to be grateful for that freedom. It’s a privilege.
6. Ask them to give back.
By asking them, you’re putting the ball in their court. See what ideas they come up with. Kids are more prone to commit, follow through and understand, when they come up with the ideas themselves. It can be as simple as giving flowers to a neighbor or as detailed as planning a large toy drive for a local hospital.
7. Teach the fine art of thank you notes.
Make sure you always have thank you notes on-hand. Teach them how to write a basic, age-appropriate thank you note. Be sure to write it and send it in a timely manner. Even better, make sure you’re sending thank you notes. Yes, even as an adult. Practice what you preach. (Not e-mail or text, either.)
8. Change “entitled behavior” at that moment.
Use an entitled behavior action as a teachable moment. Turn it around. Teach your child at that moment what’s truly important. Ask them what’s important and why they deserve something. Nip it in the bud right then and there.
9. Look at the little things with new eyes.
Point out the smaller things and talk about them. Clean water. Food on the table. Clothes on your backs. Toys to play with. Friends. Smartphones! Point out the obvious and the not-so-obvious and teach your kids to be grateful for all these things.
10. Entitlement is learned. Don’t teach that subject.
Look, nobody wants spoiled brats. (Think Veruka Salt from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.) Teaching kids not to take things for granted seems easy, but it takes a little work every single day. Make sure you wear your gratitude glasses every day because you’re kids are not only learning from your words, but from your behavior as well.
Missy Mitchell
Author, Artist, Advocate. A little obsessed with Ohio and Converse. Creator of Growing Up Zipper™, we work with teens/YA with congenital heart defects. www.growingupzipper.com
Hosting a swim meet of any size can be an overwhelming experience for teams. When you have meets upwards of 750 or 1,000 swimmers, there’s planning, prep and filling volunteer jobs multiplies. If it’s a championship meet, there’s more pressure for everyone on the team to have the meet run smoothly and make it a great experience for swimmers and their families.
I know what it’s like to put in hours and hours of work during a meet and be exhausted after tear down. But, there are few experiences as a swim parents that are more rewarding than when a meet is over, it was successful—and you were part of it.
That leads me to my list of reasons why it’s beneficial to you, your team and your swimmer to host meets:
ONE
Financial.
On some teams, the meets are an important source of revenue for the team. Without hosting several meets a year, dues would be raised significantly, or in the worse case scenarios, services cut, or the team not survive. By helping out and making a meet successful, whether or not your child is swimming, is a win-win.
TWO
Community.
Donating your valuable time to something other than your immediate family, and doing something for the greater good of the community has many benefits. You’ll find unique satisfaction in taking the time to volunteer.
THREE
Role modeling.
Getting involved directly shows your children what it means to be a good citizen. You’re leading by example by spending time helping others. Our children learn so much from our actions. You’re teaching your child to be a contributor, not a taker.
FOUR
Team bonding.
There’s nothing like a meet to get all parents working together for a common goal. When everybody is busy together, working hard, you’ll form a tighter community within your team’s families.
FIVE
Thinking on your feet.
At meets, something is bound to go wrong. Whether a lane line snaps in two, or there’s a plumbing problem in the bathroom, we are forced to think on our feet, problem solve, work together, plus put our best face on it.
SIX
Customer service.
Being on the serving end of a meet, whether it’s in the snack bar or under the admin tent, reminds us what it’s like to be a gracious host, no matter what difficult person stands before us. Also, it’s a nice reminder to be a little more empathetic with the host team when you’re at an away meet.
SEVEN
It’s not all about your swimmer.
When you’re involved all weekend hosting a meet, it’s an eye opener. You’re not wearing blinders, focused only on your swimmer and their needs. You’ll see a swimming world full of swimmers, parents, grandparents, coaches, administrators, officials—a whole world to be thankful to be a small part of.
What other benefits do you to see from hosting meets?
Elizabeth Wickham volunteered for 14 years on her kids’ club team as board member, fundraiser, newsletter editor and “Mrs. meet manager.” She’s a writer with a bachelor of arts degree in editorial journalism from the University of Washington with a long career in public relations, marketing and advertising. Her stories have appeared in newspapers and magazines including the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Parenting and Ladybug. You can read more parenting tips on her blog.
Your teenager has a science project due. He hates science. He hates projects (as do you). Do you:
A. Set deadlines for him, get the necessary materials, lay them out on the table with some homemade chocolate chip cookies
B. Ask your neighbor who is a renowned chemist to stop by and wax poetic about the joys of the periodic table
C. Hide and pray
If, out of love or a desire to bolster your child’s self-esteem, you picked A or B, teacher and author Jessica Lahey thinks you’re wrong.
“Do I want [my kids] to be happy now and not-scared and not-anxious, or, a year from now, do I hope that they pushed through being a-little-anxious and a little scared and became a little more competent?” she told Quartz.
We seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.
That question is at the heart of her best-selling book, The Gift of Failure. She realized not long ago that something was wrong with her parenting and something was amiss with the middle-school students she taught. They wilted in the face of challenge. They didn’t love learning like they used to. Parents took bad grades personally. Everyone was unhappy.
She couldn’t pinpoint the root of the problem until she realized: we seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.
Lahey cites the work of Wendy Grolnick, a psychologist, who puts pairs of mothers and children in a room and videotapes them as they play. Grolnick then labels the mothers as “controlling” or “autonomy-supportive,” meaning the moms let the kids figure things out on their own. Grolnick then invites the pairs back and the children are put in a room by themselves and asked to perform a task. The results were “striking,” Grolnick says in the book. The children who had controlling mothers gave up when faced with a task they could not master. The others did not. Lahey writes:
Kids who were raised by controlling or directive parents could not contemplate tasks on their own, but the kids who were being raised by autonomy-supportive parents stuck with tasks, even when they got frustrated. Kids who can redirect and stay engaged in tasks, even when they find those tasks difficult become less and less dependent on guidance in order to focus, study, organize, and otherwise run their own lives.
Although advice like “let them try and fail” seems blindingly obvious, it is very hard to implement. At every book event for the Gift of Failure, at least one parent approaches Lahey in tears. The parent describes a 16-year-old son who cannot pack a backpack or an 18-year-old daughter who cannot manage conflict.
“We think, ‘I have plenty of time to teach them,’” Lahey says. “And then they are 17.”
So what’s a well-intentioned parent seeking failure (to get to success) supposed to do?
Lahey spoke with Quartz about some ways to inhibit the helicopter in all of us and build resilient kids.
Define your end game: long or short term?
“We rescue because it feels good,” Lahey says.
Lahey admits she is equally culpable, though she has tried to change. One morning she found her son’s homework on the table and decided not to drop it off at his school, even though she was going anyways. She was determined that he become more independent and better organized. She took to Facebook to discuss her decision. “If your husband left his cell phone, would you take it to him?” said one friend.
“I am not raising my husband,” she thought.
Rescuing her son would make Lahey feel like a good mom, but it would not help her son’s organizational issues. Parenting for the long term meant leaving the homework on the table and letting her son, and herself, suffer a bit.
As it turned out, the teacher gave her son some extra work and offered some tips on how to remember his homework in the future. The tips have served him well, Lahey says.
The dirty secret of parenting is that kids can do more than we think they can.
Let them own it
Ever grabbed a sponge from a kid because she was making too much of a mess cleaning up?
The dirty secret of parenting is that kids can do more than we think they can, and it’s up to us to figure that out. (Apparently the French have sorted this out with kids and cooking, and they let their young toddlers wield large knives.) Kids can do dishes and clean a room without a bribe, but to get to clean kitchens and tidier rooms we have to face messier kitchens, not perfectly sorted laundry, and clothes stuffed in drawers while they figure it out.
Lahey cites the example of a student who was struggling in a gifted and talented school. His mother had been running interference for him for years, managing issues with teachers, and nagging the teen to do his work. The alternative was the failing local public school.
Fed up, the mother took the son to the school. She gave him the choice: she wasn’t working anymore to keep him in the gifted program. Her son was shocked at what he saw and stepped up his work. He started to talk to his teachers when he had problems—without his mom setting up the meetings—and did more homework. He was never an A student, but that was not the point.
Praise effort and not outcomes
We love to praise our kids; call it a hangover from the self-esteem movement of the 1970s. But praising kids for being smart rather than working hard pushes them into what Stanford researcher Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset, one in which kids shy away from challenges. Consider this study, which Dweck did variations on for years and I wrote about here:
Researchers give two groups of fifth graders easy tests. Group one is told they got the questions right because they are smart. Group two is told they got the questions right because they tried hard. Then they give the kids a harder test, one designed to be far above their ability. Turns out the “smart” kids don’t like the test and don’t want to do more. The “effort” kids think they need to try harder and welcome the chance to try again. The researchers give them a third test, another easy one. The “smart” kids struggle, and perform worse than they did on the first test (which was equally easy). The “effort” kids outperform their first test, and outperform their “smart” peers.
And here’s the really scary part: the researchers then tell the kids they’re going to give the same test at another school, and ask them to send a note over with their own scores. Forty percent of the “smart” kids lie about their results, compared with around 10% of the “effort” kids.
If they see you fail and survive, they will know that failing at a task is not failing as a person.
Lahey sees the results of a fixed mindset in her classrooms. The kids who have been overpraised for their smarts “do the bare minimum required top get by; they never take up the gauntlet of challenging extra work and are reluctant to risk saying anything that might be wrong,” she writes.
Dweck’s advice is easy: praise effort, not outcomes. Lahey adds to that advice: let your kids know about your own struggles. If they see you fail and survive, they will know that failing at a task is not failing as a person.
Cheer like a grandparent, not a parent
Most of us sign our kids up for sports for the right reasons. We want them to run around, get fresh air, learn how to be part of a team, and have fun. If they show talent, many of us suddenly turn into maniacs, screaming instructions about sports we have never played and questioning coaches at decibel levels we prohibit at home. Some soccer leagues have implemented silent soccer Saturdays in an attempt to silence the parents and coaches and give the game back to the kids.
Bruce Brown and Rob Miller, two former coaches who formed Proactive Coaching, asked college athletes, “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?” The answer was the drive home with their parents. Too much advice, not enough support.
Lahey suggests that if you go to the games, cheer like a grandparent and not a parent. College athletes wanted grandparents at their games because their support was not predicated on achievement.
“Grandparents don’t critique the coach’s strategy or a referee’s call. Even in the face of embarrassing failures on the field, grandparents support their grandchildren with no ulterior motive or agenda,” Lahey writes.
The teacher is your partner, not your adversary
If we talk to teachers and they talk to us, a lot of problems can be avoided. Easier said than done.
Lahey tells harrowing tales of parents who demand grade changes and refuse to see challenges as learning opportunities. “Teaching has become a push and pull between opposing forces in which parents want teachers to educate their children with increasing rigor, but reject those rigorous lessons as ‘too hard’ or ‘too frustrating’ for their children to endure,” she writes.
Lahey has a long list of suggestions on how to build a better parent-teacher relationship. Some are so obvious it is sad she has to write them down—be friendly and polite; project an attitude of respect for education.
Here are some others:
Wait a day before emailing a teacher over a perceived emergency or crisis
Let the teacher know about big events at home
Let your child have a voice; role-play to help him prepare for tough conversations
Some other excellent books on the subject of extracting yourself from your kids’ lives include Madeline Levine’s Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success and Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.
The somewhat contrarian message in all of them: failure = success.
“When did parenting get to be so stressful?” began a recent post on the Changing the Game Project Facebook page. “I worry that if I don’t provide them with the best equipment, or get them on the best team, or take them to every camp or tournament, then I am letting my kids down. Why do I feel so much pressure? Can’t we just let kids be kids, have some free time and still raise a successful athlete?”
Have you ever felt this way? Tired of trying to keep up with the Joneses, stressed that your kids need to be in three places at once, and just hoping for a weekend off for a family meal?
If so, you are not alone. There is a lot of pressure on parents these days. We want the best for our children and we don’t think twice about taking action when we see we’re able to fill a need. But are we doing enough? Are we giving our kids the best chance of success?
But what if you could do more, simply by doing less?
Well, you can.
At Changing the Game Project we believe being a successful sports parent has nothing to do with who buys the more expensive equipment. Success is not who compiles the longer list of camps and clinics, whose kid makes the “A” team at the youngest age, or who posts the most pictures of kids with trophies on Facebook.
Our definition of success is taken from the master himself, Coach John Wooden, when describing his athletes and teams at UCLA:
“Success is the peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”
Shouldn’t we have a similar definition for parents?
“Successful parenting is the piece of mind in knowing that you did your absolute best to become the best parent you are capable of becoming.”
Not the best parent compared to so and so, but you, the best parent you can be with the talents and resources that you have.
Be the best parent that you are capable of becoming, with all you have going on in your life.
You don’t have to do everything under the sun for your kids to be a successful parent. You don’t have to give up every weekend and every vacation. It doesn’t mean you have to get a second mortgage to send your kids to six camps next summer. And it certainly does not mean that what team your kid makes, or how many trophies he or she wins is a reflection upon whether you are a good parent or not.
It simply means doing your best, maintaining family balance, and watching your child succeed and fail without taking it personally.
It doesn’t mean paying for more; many times it actually means doing less.
Here are eight things you can do to increase your child’s chances of finding success and fulfillment in their sport that won’t cost you a penny. The best part, though, is they will help you fulfill your role as the parent of an athlete while at the same time making it all the more enjoyable.
8 Ways to Be a Great Sports Parent
1. Model Positive Behaviors.
Be a positive role model for your child. Sport should be an extension of your familial values and behaviors, not a suspension thereof. Be an encouraging parent. Don’t talk badly about competitors or loudly second-guess the coach. It’s okay to appreciate the athletic skill of a competitor and you are not a traitor for acknowledging another athlete has talent.
There are enough uninformed critics in the stands hurling insults at kids playing a game, so instead set the example for others. You are looked at just as much by other parents as your athlete is, so be the fan your child needs you to be.
2. See the future, but enjoy the present.
Are you consistently looking towards the next level, the next team, the next season? If you are, you’re missing out on the most important game, the one being played today! If you’re not enjoying the present moment, your child will grow up before you realize it; if you don’t squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of their development as a person, you’ll regret it.
Be a parent who enjoys the now, and let the coach be the one who is looking to the “later.” Leave them alone on the ride home from games. Take your athlete to the court and let them teach you something. Throw the ball around the yard while you swap stories and get to know the social side of each other. Lots of smiles with no judgment during fun play will relieve stress for you and your athlete and also create special bonding moments that only an athlete and their parent can share.
3. Encourage risk taking and find joy in the effort.
Competing leads to winning and losing, thus competing is inherently risky. Don’t downplay the importance and challenge of risk taking by saying “Great job out there, maybe you’ll get it next time.” That’s vague encouragement and not helpful to an athlete’s development. Instead say “I love how you really went for it out there on that one play. You didn’t get it, but I was so proud that you didn’t give up!” Strong, specific words of encouragement remind an athlete it’s okay to take a risk and fail so long as she did all she could to be successful.
4. Celebrate the competitor above the winner.
The difference between losing and getting beat is in the effort expended during competition. A competitor never loses; they get beat, and getting beat fuels the competitor to improve. In every game, there is a winner and a loser. Defeat can be the seed of discontent your athlete needs to be motivated to work harder and smarter next time.
Legendary volleyball player and three-time Gold Medalist Karch Kiraly spent his teen years playing beach volleyball against grown men. He didn’t win… at first. Winning was not the goal; development was.
In the beginning, Kiraly and his partner celebrated scoring 3 points in a match. Months later, they celebrated scoring 6 points in a match. A few years later, still a teenager, Kiraly wasn’t only competing against professionals but beating professionals and winning tournaments.
When your athlete plays a level above her ability and does well, that effort should be celebrated, regardless of the result. A true competitor should always look to “play up” a level, whether in practice or on game day. The expectation should be for her to compete at the highest level she can. Excellence breeds success; a focus upon success rarely yields excellence.
5. Foster independence by allowing your athlete to take ownership.
Autonomy is one of the three key ingredients of long term athletic success. Goals and expectations are great tools if used properly. However, if your athlete is constantly trying to live up to your expectations it could lead to her believing your happiness depends on her performance.
Believe it or not, by taking a step back, you give your child the room to step forward and claim the sport for herself.
An elite athlete experiences enough pressure to perform well from his teammates, the coaching staff, and from himself. He doesn’t need the added pressure of an overzealous parent with good intentions!
Allowing and fostering independence is critical. There’s no escaping the mean, evil-spirited opinions, the rude comments, and the difficult situations that will confront an athlete. The sooner she learns to stand on her own and not always have you to lean on or hide behind, the better.
6. Treat the coach as an ally, not an adversary.
If you treat the coach as an adversary, how do you think your athlete will treat him? You and the coach want the same thing: for your athlete to be successful (though you might see different paths to making that happen). Once you know that the coach values your child not just as an athlete, but as a person, then step back and let him or her coach. You won’t always agree with every decision, and your child may struggle at times, but instead of saying “what’s wrong with this” try “what’s good about this?” There is always learning to be had if you look close enough.
Working with your coach by keeping him or her informed, and respecting boundaries, actually gives your child the best chance of success.
7. Encourage academics.
Eventually, all athletes have to one day turn in their jersey and find a new passion. Very few elite athletes play beyond college and an infinitesimal number make decent money playing professionally. An education is not a backup plan if athletics doesn’t work out: it is the foundation from which your athlete will build a life upon, athletics or not.
8. Just love watching your kids play
Sports goes by way too quickly, so enjoy every moment. Do so by simply saying “I love watching you play.” It changes everything (watch this video if you don’t believe me).
If you have given your best, and you can say to yourself “I have done what I can while maintaining sanity, health and the well being of my family and relationships,” then by all means you are a successful sports parent.
Stop looking at Facebook, and comparing what your house looks like on the inside to what everyone elses house looks like on the outside. Simply take a step back, let the athletic journey belong to your child, and give your best effort. Just do your best, and have fun doing it.
Not only will your kids notice it.
They will love you for it!
And that is the ultimate reflection of success.
James Leath, Speaker and Social Media Director
James Leath is a mental conditioning coach, and the new social media director and speaker for the Changing The Game Project. As an athlete, James played multiple sports in high school and received varsity letters in football, basketball, wrestling, baseball, and volleyball. He accepted scholarship to play football in college but an injury made him change course. James eventually made his way back to football at the semi-pro level, but his passion was coaching and mentoring athletes. He has been coaching and teaching for over 15 years. His widely read blog at jamesleath.com is a top resource that educates athletes, coaches, and parents in sport psychology and personal development. He is currently working on a graduate degree in Performance Psychology. James travels all over the US speaking to teams and organizations but always looks forward to returning to his home in San Luis Obispo, CA, to join his bride and two dogs on a hike in the hills. You can find him on Instagram and Twitter @jamesleath
It can be hard to know exactly how to encourage your athlete. On one hand, it’s important they understand that you have their back, that you are proud of them, and that you think they are awesome.
On the other hand, when does too much praise, reassurance, and ego-boosting become–well, too much?
While it’s of the upmost importance that kids feel encouraged and supported, how can parents begin to groom them for optimal long-term achievement?
Youth sports guru John O’Sullivan says it starts with shaping your student-athlete’s mindset. Specifically, getting your son or daughter focused on growth rather than immediate wins.
Because as O’Sullivan reminds us, in sports and in life, getting better is a process.
Should you encourage your athlete to succeed or to excel?
A success-oriented mindset looks at the next hurdle: the game at the end of the week, the test on Wednesday, the report due to your boss by 5 p.m. While you still really want to do well on a success-based mindset, that drive is only related to the closest win in sight, getting that next thing off your back.
In other words, it’s short-term. While success is important, it’s an excellence-oriented mindset that can really set student-athletes up for long-term success.
So how can parents, coaches, and influencers start to instill some routine and best practice in the direction of an excellence oriented mindset? The following tips are based on many of O’Sullivan’s findings, and are geared towards long-term habits, rituals, and mindset for life in sports and beyond.
Focus on getting a little bit better every single day.
As I mentioned earlier, getting better – at anything – is a process. Better in school, better on the field, better at your job, better in relationships. While getting a little bit better, every single day, takes time, it builds something strong, that eventually becomes simply…you.
Failure is a part of it – and it’s okay to fail.
It is okay to fail. Say it again to yourself or to your student-athlete; It is okay to fail. It’s how we learn, it’s how we get grow, it’s in falling down that we have no choice but to get back up, and find a better way. O’Sullivan shares a common character trait of every single sports great: the best players in the world make the most mistakes, but what really sets them apart, is that they go back out, and aren’t afraid to make another mistake. Failure recovery says everything about who we are.
Value the successes of others.
People who value excellence recognize other people in their field doing great things. Did your teammate get in amazing shape over the summer? Congratulate him and find out how he did it.
Learn about – and from – their journey. Did your co-worker get a promotion you were hoping for? Give her a high-five and ask them to coffee to see if they may have any advice for you.
Admiring the success of others, and learning from it, will get you so much farther than any other feelings surrounding their accomplishments. Winning and losing with class is a major part of an excellence oriented mindset.
A mindset of excellence means not falling apart when it’s just not your day.
Some days are just going to suck.
The player you’re supposed to be marking scored the winning goal for her team. Your rival wins the tournament MVP. You brought your Spanish homework to Geometry class.
With a mindset of excellence, your son or daughter starts to become conditioned to handle these things calmly and maturely, and to learn from them. They don’t fall apart, throw a fit, or go into the tank. They have their moment and they move on. The limelight, the attention, the accolades, they will not always swing in your favor, and that’s okay. It’s not always your turn.ABOUT AUTHOR - LAURA-CHMIEL
Laura Chmiel is a marketing coordinator and a lead writer for NCSA Athletic Recruiting. As someone with a passion for athletics and education, she graduated from Indiana university with a B.S. in Elementary Education. After school, she gained first-hand experience helping student-athletes and their families get to college.
Lynn Austin learned the “price” of little, white lies. She writes, “My five year old son had been looking forward to visiting the planetarium while on vacation, but when we arrived, we learned that children under age 6 were not admitted.”
“’Let’s pretend you had a birthday,’ I told him. ‘If the ticket man asks you how old you are, I want you to say, “I’m six.”
“I made him practice it until he sounded convincing, then bought the tickets without any problems. When the show ended, we moved on to the museum. There, a large sign read, ‘Children 5 and Under Admitted Free.’ To avoid the $5 admission fee, I had to convince my son to forget his pretend birthday.
“The consequences of my lie became apparent as we walked up the steps to our last destination, the aquarium. ‘Wait a minute, mom!’ my son said with a worried look. ‘How old am I now?’”
As sweet and innocent as this story is, Lynn puts her finger on something important for every adult. Eventually, our lies, which were intended to help our children get something, actually begin to confuse them. This is true with each of the lies we use.
For years, I have warned teachers, parents and coaches about how much we “lie” to kids today. We don’t mean to—but we do. Even to teens, we say things like:
You can be anything you want to be. (So they assume they’ll be the next American Idol).
You are awesome! You’re the best! (They assume they’re entitled and can act arrogant).
You are smart. You’re gifted. (They assume they shouldn’t have to try hard in school).
We mean well when we say these things, and they’re probably OK when students are young. By the time they reach middle school, they figure out someone’s not being honest with them. The difficult truth raises its ugly head.
There is a reason why these lies are dangerous. Each of them is built on a fallacy. The false foundations are not stable enough to build a life on, and will ultimately crumble. A young person who buys into a lie will eventually sabotage their future. What’s more, the lie will not allow them to become the person they are capable of becoming. Consider this. If the truth makes us free, then lies must put us in bondage. Emotional chains. I believe part of the reason for Generation iY’s struggle to launch is their propensity to embrace lies about themselves and life in general. Examine below the fallacies upon which our lies are built.
Five Fallacies Our Lies Stem From:
a. Instant customization – The belief that I should have a customized experience in all that I do. This is damaging because life is about more than me and my needs. We will all have to compromise a bit on our preferences and fit into something much bigger than us. Life is about finding our role within the big picture and adding value.
b. Instant gratification – The belief that if I want it, I should have it now. This is damaging because I must learn to delay pleasures and be disciplined to work for them. Generation iY hates this phrase, but they must learn to “pay their dues.” Patience and persistence are virtues. They must pay now so they can play later.
c. Instant socialization – The belief that I must stay in constant communication with others to be happy and fulfilled. This is damaging because contentment should not require someone provide it for us. Also, with “instant socialization,” I fail to build relational skills that come only through real life face-to-face time with people.
d. Instant affirmation – The belief that I need immediate, positive feedback from others to feel OK. This is damaging because life doesn’t always instantly reward what is right. In fact, our world may never notice quiet acts of kindness or deeds of service done from proper motives. We must do what is right not what gets applause.
e. Instant information – The belief that I must have all the available information on a subject right away. This is damaging because educators and psychologists will tell you that young people are not emotionally ready for everything their brain can take in. There’s a difference between the ability to consume information and process it.
Do you see any other fallacies we’ve accidentally led from?
A few short years ago, corporate executives were asked what single word best describes the recent college graduates entering their workplace. The word they selected? Entitled. Interestingly, when recent graduates were asked to guess what descriptive word these executives had chosen that begins with the letter “e,” they guessed: exciting, enterprising, entrepreneurial and energetic. None of them guessed how they were being perceived.
Entitlement—high.
Self-awareness—low.
In a series of studies using surveys that measure psychological entitlement and narcissism, University of New Hampshire management professor Paul Harvey found that Gen Y respondents scored 25% higher than respondents ages 40 to 60 and a whopping 50% higher than those over 61. In addition, Gen Y respondents were twice as likely to rank in the top 20% in their level of entitlement — the “highly entitled range” — as someone between 40 and 60, and four times more likely than a golden-ager. Harvey’s conclusion? As a group, he says Gen Yers are characterized by a “very inflated sense of self” that leads to “unrealistic expectations” and, ultimately, “chronic disappointment.”
Seven Emotional Byproducts of Entitlement
More and more adults I meet are worried about this sinister attitude creeping into their homes, classrooms or teams. Entitlement can be spotted by these emotions:
Anger. We live in an angry age. It takes so little to spark road rage, stadium violence, and all sorts of other aggression. Youth are angry today, perhaps for many reasons, not the least of which is their sense of entitlement. Think about it: if you feel entitled to something that you don’t receive, anger raises its ugly head.
Impatience. We live in an impatient generation because we expect things quickly… and entitlement only compounds the issue. When I feel entitled to something, I am far less patient with people. I’m driven to get what I want—now—because I deserve it. My reaction? I become demanding of others and short in my interactions with them.
Cynicism. A sense of entitlement is often followed by mild forms of cynicism. Again, not getting some benefit I feel I deserve can create a negative, jaded attitude in me. Perhaps adolescents have always been a bit cynical, but it’s on steroids today. Being aware of what’s available — and aware they don’t have it all — fosters cynicism.
Resentment. This one’s obvious. When I’m conscious of something out there that I don’t own but feel I deserve, it can cause severe resentment. This destructive attitude can sour any group of people and lead to negative behaviors as well. Instead of focusing on the many blessings I enjoy, I can become bitter.
Criticism. It’s easy to miss one common reaction to a sense of entitlement: a critical attitude. When someone feels entitled to something and doesn’t get it, they can assume a “sour grapes” posture and become disgruntled at the whole thing. They often will criticize those who did get what they wanted as a coping mechanism.
Ingratitude. In so many ways, gratitude and entitlement are polar-opposite emotions. When I’m grateful, I feel the sense of getting something I want badly but remain aware of what it felt like without it. However, when I feel entitled and don’t get it, all I feel is ungrateful. Once again, I feel I deserve something I’m forced to live without.
Disappointment. If I feel entitled to something but fail to get it, I begin to experience chronic disappointment. I’m sad or despondent over the perks I’ve missed out on and can become depressed, especially if I assume others’ Facebook posts are accurate and my friends are getting all the breaks or awesome vacations.
Conversely, when we develop students who don’t feel and act entitled, they likely will demonstrate the opposite emotions:
I am grateful.
I am hopeful and optimistic.
I can delay gratification.
I am at peace because I see the big picture.
We owe it to the emerging generation to escort them out of this destructive attitude. A sense of entitlement is an enemy of happiness and healthy thinking.
"There are no points for second place." Those words may fly at elite military institutions like Top Gun, in moments winning can mean the difference between life and death, but it is not the case in youth sports leagues across America, where kids get points for coming in first, last, and everyplace in-between. A product of the self-esteem movement, parents and coaches today feel obligated to heap praise on children, no matter if they deserve it or not. No matter if they hit a home run or made the error that lost the game for their team. That is, if they even keep score at all.
Studies have shown that rewarding kids just for participating can have a negative impact, producing a self-obsessed, irresponsible, and unmotivated generation of false achievers. At the far end of the spectrum, inflated self-esteem has been found in criminals, junkies, and bullies, which is supposed to have been what the self-esteem movement was trying to steer children away from.
But today's young athletes are celebrated just for showing up, as youth sports programs now universally award trophies no matter if your kids won or lost.
Airing this month, an HBO Real Sports episode takes a look at how handing out trophies, regardless of success, may ultimately lead to failure. Here are the major takeaways from the report that illustrates why rewarding kids with weightless praise can backfire.
Too Many Trophies Is Bad According to HBO, there has been a seismic shift in American culture in an effort to make each child feel special. The mentality has created an atmosphere where everyone gets a trophy, but awarding medals and trophies just for participation sets the bar very low, according to experts. Trophies make kids feel like finishing in last place may be good enough.
The Self-Esteem Movement Failed Ashley Merryman, the author of Losing Is Good for You, told HBO that "none of it works." She said that the self-esteem movement failed to teach kids how to succeed, and giving kids a participation trophy stunts their competitive edge.
Trophies Are Big Business The economic impact of the trophy-for-everybody has been very good for business for trophy companies. The sheer number of awards produced today have created a $2 billion industry.
Parents Are Part of the Problem Every parent wants their kids to be happy. There's nothing wrong with that. But parents are among the biggest culprits when it comes to giving kids an inflated sense of self-worth. One Los Angeles youth soccer league doesn't even keep score, and hands out participation trophies to every child whose name is on the roster. When the league tried to stop handing out trophies for showing up, parents actually went out and bought their own trophies for last-place finishers so they would feel special, too.
Science Says Our Kids Are Getting Soft C. Robert Cloninger, a doctor at Washington University in St. Louis, told HBO that awarding trophies to all kids can have negative biological impacts, too. The technical term partial-reinforcement extinction effect: "All that means is that if you constantly reward a kid, you spoil them, and you don't build a capacity for them to be resilient to frustration," Cloninger said. In short, protecting kids from the agony of defeat blunts their competitive edge and never teaches them to properly deal with adversity. "We have to get over the notion that everyone has to be a winner in the United States," Cloninger said. "It just isn't true." – Evan Grossman
As a parent, you want your kids to grow up to be confident, happy, and successful adults, able to face the world head-on and make the most of every opportunity. But what can you do to help them overcome the fears that might hold them back? It’s worth remembering first that fear serves a purpose; it’s a natural human emotion to warn us of possible harm – a call to action to protect ourselves. However, in our modern world, fear often tends to be out of proportion to risk and can prevent us from achieving as much as we would like, and are capable of.
Here are 10 ways to help your kids develop a fearless mindset and overcome the fears that are holding them back.
1. Acknowledge the fear, don’t just dismiss it
Simply telling your child to not be afraid, or to stop being silly, isn’t an effective way to help them deal with it. You need to acknowledge it properly. Whatever you might think about the fear, it’s very real to them and they need to know that you get that. Give them the opportunity to talk about it, show that you really understand. The fear needs to be acknowledged first before you can help them to move on from it.
2. Let them know that failure IS an option
Society places such pressure on everyone not to fail, we can easily forget that failure is often a key part of the learning process. Most of the greatest inventions in history were the result of a long series of failed attempts before the final successful one was achieved. Don’t let fear of failure hold your kids back, let them know that it’s okay to fail sometimes, show them how they can learn from it in order to do better next time. Model this behavior for them, if you fail at something, show them how you turn it around into a positive.
3. Don’t pass your own fears onto them
This is one that most of us are aware of and yet, as parents, we’re probably all guilty of it at times. Realistically, you’re probably not going to be able to completely hide your fears from your kids at all times. What you can do however is talk it through with them, show them that you’re human, and you too are afraid of things that you don’t need to be afraid of at times. Show them how you deal with it and how you are working to overcome those fears.
4. Help them identify the actual fear
Often when people express a fear, they’re actually talking about something that is a step away from the fear itself – if someone says they’re afraid of flying, they’re probably not actually afraid of flying, they’re afraid of crashing. A child who says they’re afraid of monsters under the bed aren’t actually afraid of the monsters being under the bed, they’re afraid of them coming out from under the bed to hurt them. An important step in overcoming a fear is to clearly pinpoint what the actual fear is, so help them to do this and then work together to address it.
5. Show them the benefits
Sometimes a child can be so focused on the fear that they can’t see beyond it. Talk through the benefits of overcoming the fear with them, what they will gain, what it might lead on to. Ask them questions to encourage them to think of what the positive outcomes might be rather than just telling them. This will help to refocus their attention on to the other side of the fear barrier.
6. Remind them of previous times they overcame a fear
Reminding your child of a previous occasion where they were afraid to try something, but ended up enjoying it, can give them a little boost of confidence in their own abilities.
7. Avoid comparing them to others
Focus on your child, and what fears it is that they are aiming to overcome. Making continual comparisons to other kids can be unhelpful and may make your child feel inadequate.
8. Teach them to recognize valid fears
While overcoming fears is important, we need to remember that some fears are perfectly valid and healthy. If your child is afraid of jumping into a river full of crocodiles, then that’s good, that’s a fear that you don’t want them to overcome. Teach them to recognize the difference between important life-saving fears, and irrational fears, by talking through risks and consequences.
9. Show them how facing a fear can be done in small steps
Sometimes the best way to overcome a fear is to leap right into it, other times though it’s better to tackle it slowly and gently. Be guided by your child on this, if the fear is overwhelming for them, then show them how it can be approached in small stages, only moving on to the next stage when a certain comfort level is reached. Plan the stages with them ahead of time so that they are clear on what is going to happen, and don’t spring surprises on them or they won’t trust you next time.
10. Constantly remind them that they’re not alone
Probably the most important one is to remind them regularly that they don’t have to face their fears alone. If they feel secure in the knowledge that you will be there for them whatever the outcome, this will grow their fearless mindset and help give them the confidence to move forward.
Originally from London, Vanessa now lives near the coast of Kent in England, having previously also lived in Las Vegas, and up a mountain in France. She works at a university and has a Master's Degree in Education. Vanessa is mother to two teenagers and when she is not driving them around, she likes to write, blog, read, cook, eat, sleep, and laugh.
3 words: Tell me more.Before forming an opinion or dispensing advice, ask for more information from your child. This will force them to tell more of the story and give you more information as to what is actually happening.
4 words:Good job. Keep working.Doc Rivers, head coach of the Los Angeles Clippers and parent of a NBA player suggests these four words. Rivers notes that as parents we are often tempted to say more and analyze their kids performance, but saying only this might be what’s best for the kid who simply needs support.
5 words: What’s new in your world?Ask your kids general questions that are not about gymnastics. Even if the reply is “nothing” it gives you the opportunity to share something about your day.
7 words: So what do you think about that?You know your opinion, so before you jump to tell your child what it is, ask what his/her opinion is. You are not only learning more about what your child thinks but are also helping develop critical thinking skills.
8 words: Is there something I can do to help?Before you give a solution or an action plan, ask if that is what the child really wants. Sometimes all the child wants to do is blow off some steam, and we jump directly to “solving” the problem.
9 words: You are more important to me than your achievements.You may be thinking that of course this is true. But remind your child of it. In the absence of hearing this from you, your children might think that one of the reasons you love them is because of what they do, not because of who they are.
10 words: No matter what, I’m glad that I am your parent.To be loved wholly and completely for exactly who we are, flaws and all, is the greatest gift one person can give another. Please give that gift to your child.
As a loving parent, it is important to instill in your kids the right mindset and attitude. Both determine how your child interprets the world. And asking the right questions encourage behavior that brings positive change and also allows for the best use of available resources.
As the saying goes, where your mind goes, energy flows.
One of the ways to encourage children to develop a positive mindset and practice it is to talk to them honestly and ask them leading questions. It’s not about telling them what to do; it’s about explaining to them the value of living positively and making the best of what they already have.
Ask your kids these thoughtful questions to encourage conversation and help them develop a healthy mindset. Some of these questions will also help you to enhance your relationship with your children and bond with them, while learning to better understand them.
1. What five words do you think best describe you?
This question points children in the direction where they know themselves and have an idea of what other people think of them. It gives your child a good frame of reference on where she stands in her small world, which is important for molding the right self-image.
2. What do you love doing that makes you feel happiest?
Some children will say playing video games makes them feel happiest, which is actually fine. Recent studies show that there are actually many psychological benefits of gaming. Gaming even brings spouses closer together if they participate together.
The point of this question is to direct your child’s attention to the things that makes him feel happy and open his eyes to the fact that he can actively choose to increase time spent in those activities that bring him joy. Hopefully, this will teach him to pursue activities, hobbies and even careers that make him happiest later on in life.
3. What do you know how to do that you can teach others?
This question is about teaching kids that life is not all about you, your own interests and what you can get from others. Life is about us all and what we can do to help each other.
The question helps your child feel empowered and valued. It reminds her that she is special and she has something to offer. When your child feels special and knows she has something to offer, it builds self-confidence and self-worth, and also encourages learning.
4. What is the most wonderful/worst thing that ever happened to you?
Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, but neither is it all gloom and doom. Life is a mix of good and bad experiences, and that’s what makes it so exciting.
Kids need to understand this fact early so they are mentally prepared for life. The question is about directing that awareness. It helps your child realize (from her own experience) that bad things don’t last forever.
The sun always shines after the storm, and the sunshine feels good. You also gain valuable insight into areas you can help your child get past.
5. What did you learn from the best/worst thing that’s happened to you?
An old adage says experience is the best teacher, which is true. It is important that kids extract lessons from their own experiences (both good and bad) and also from the experiences of others, including their parents.
That’s one of the best ways to make progress and also the way to make the best of every situation. When your child learns from her experiences, it means she is unlikely to repeat the same or similar mistakes in the future.
6. Of all the things you are learning, what do you think will be the most useful when you are an adult?
This question is about reminding children that they will be adults one day and that they need to start living purposely. It is also about sensitizing your kids to where their conscience is calling them and what they should be doing right now to get there.
When your child understands the value of what he is learning and how it can help him in the future, it can motivate him to truly enjoy things like reading, studying and learning.
7. If you could travel back in time three years and visit your younger self, what advice would you give yourself?
This question can make for a fun conversation that helps you learn about (and address) past issues that hurt your child, in addition to instilling in them the habit of learning from their mistakes. The question opens up exciting avenues to talk to your kids about how to deal with disappointments and frustrations in life, while also teaching them the meaning of the expression, “making lemonade out of lemons.”
8. What are you most grateful for?
This question encourages kids to count their blessings and look at the brighter side of life. It is about teaching kids to put things into perspective, look around and appreciate what they have in life no matter how small, including family, friends, a good school and food.
This, is turn, can contribute to your child’s overall happiness, as there is a strong correlation between gratitude and happiness.
9. What do you think that person feels?
It’s easy for kids to focus solely on their own feelings and neglect to consider what other people feel. However, to build stronger relationships and avoid unnecessary conflicts in life, it is important for your child to consider what other people feel and show empathy.
Help her to develop empathy by asking her to wonder about what someone else feels. Your child will become a more compassionate, helpful and happy person just by being more considerate and empathetic. She will lead a richer, fuller life of meaning by thinking of (and often helping) others.
10. What do you think your life will be like in the future?
This question also directs children to think about the future and plan for it. It will help your child to ponder on what he wants to be when he grows up and how he’d like the world to be like when he’s older.
You will in turn discover what your child is moving toward and see how you can help him realize that dream from the conversation you have around this question.
11. Which of your friends do you think I’d like the most? Why?
The company you keep has a big impact on your mindset and attitude. If you keep negative people around you all the time, your attitude is likely to shift and become negative. If you keep positive friends, you will become positive-minded yourself.
Ask your kids this question to figure out who among their circle of friends holds the greatest influence in their life. Help your child see that everybody is the average of the five people they spend the most time with, as Jim Rohn famously said.
12. If you could grow up to be famous, what would you want to be famous for?
This question directs children to think about the true meaning of success and the legacy they’d like to leave. Is success about accumulating the most money, or is it more than that?
What would you like people to remember you for? As your child ponders and responds to these questions, you will find out the type of character your child is moving toward and discover who influences your child as a role model. That is vital information for overseeing your child’s character development.
13. How would you change the world if you could?
Research shows that anticipation of positive experiences brings more happiness than the experiences themselves. Once your child is old enough to realize that tomorrow is not today and every new day is an opportunity to make a positive change, start instilling in her the habit of striving to relieve ills and improving things in her own small way for the betterment of tomorrow and the world in general.
Happy people are those who think of problems as surmountable and themselves as effective problem solvers.
14. How can you help someone today?
As life in general constitutes much pain in the form of disease, poverty, ignorance and emotional anguish, it is important to give ourselves to one another as brothers and sisters.
Edwin Markham rightly said, “The crest and crowning of all good, life’s final star, is Brotherhood.”
And brotherhood and sisterhood means being there for each other. Ask your kids this question regularly to incorporate a spirit of generosity into their daily life. Studies show that giving releases oxytocin and endorphins, which produce a good kind of “high” that your child can become addicted to.
15. If you could make one rule that everyone in the world had to follow, what rule would you make? Why?
This question brings to the attention of children the fact that we live in a world with rules and regulations, which we are obliged to follow to ensure order and everything runs smoothly. Rules are not meant to punish us, but to help us live and interact with others in a better way.
Your child will appreciate this fact more and be more receptive to following properly laid down rules and regulations when he has his own personal rule that he believes in. That personal rule or motto can be the key to raising respectful, law abiding citizens who are also valuable members of society.
David is a lover of life and people. Everything he writes is inspired by life experiences and study. He is also founding editor of WebWriterSpotlight.com. Check out the site for more great stories.
We want to give our children the best. We would love to give our children all the things we never got to have. But sometimes parents go too far with the way they show their affection. And this doesn’t bring the best out of our kids. Before things get out of hand, pay attention to the points listed below.
1. Making them feel like kings.
It is important to make your kids feel special, but losing your authority to them will only have negative consequences. Asserting your authority means establishing borders, boundaries and limitations as you raise them. Although it is vital to entrust them with certain responsibilities, it is your duty as the parent to guide them through it and make a success of whatever they are given.
2. Entrusting them with too much money.
Money is a tool; it is never an ornament. The earlier you make them understand this, the better off your kids will be. Although we live in a time of abundance and so many easy options and access, it is your job to manage resources, however abundant. Entrusting them with a million dollars or buying expensive jewelry for them in their early years will be too much for them to handle, and the end result will be a child who is not thankful for anything.
3. Stopping them from working.
Work is essential in life. Every responsible adult has to work to earn a living. Making them understand this is beneficial to their success as adults. Understandably you may want to protect them from anything that is laborious but teaching them the vital lesson of work will be more protective than destructive. Set expectations for them as they try to go to college. Let them appreciate earning something of value and feeling proud of this.
4. Encouraging them not to give back.
One of the most essential lessons my parents taught me was why I should give back. That is the flow of life. You take and you give. Do not hold your children back from wanting to reach out and volunteer whether in deeds or in charity.
4. Not requiring them to be grateful.
You may feel your child deserves everything he/she receives and owes no one a thing. But this does not stir an appreciative spirit in them. Words like “thank you” have a way of making them understand the importance of everything they are given.
5. Acting like a spoiled child before them.
We as parents are supposed to lead by example. Our children should see that responsibility in us, that we are firm and tact. We shouldn’t be whining and complaining about everything in front of them.
6. Failing to establish boundaries.
By nature kids want to be pampered and spoiled. It is not your duty as parents to make this happen. Rather, you are meant to make sure they become well-behaved and likable. To do this, limitations and restrictions are meant to be established; if not, the child becomes disrespectful and rude.
7. Letting them have their way all the time.
It is all about picking what you should be giving to them and what you shouldn’t. There is a difference with wanting a new gadget or having candy. It is left for you to choose those things they should have their way with and those things they shouldn’t.
8. Offering them gifts for the wrong reasons.
If your child is bored with the old toy you bought for him/her and you have to offer a new one as a way to stop them from whining, you are offering them gifts for the wrong reasons. Gifts should be offered to show they are deserving of it and they have shown they are responsible enough to handle and manage them.
9. Discouraging relationships that will build them up.
It is not about being with other spoiled kids. Sometimes it serves you wonderful benefits to take them to gatherings of older people who will share insightful knowledge with them. Let them see the benefits in being thankful. Invite people who are participating in volunteer work to your homes. Stifling the child in unhealthy relationships spoils the child.
10. Withholding your child from being accountable.
Your child should be accountable for his/her actions. Yes your child will make mistakes, but not holding them accountable for these mistakes doesn’t make them see the importance of learning from mistakes.
The growth mindset research is a game changing field that’s actually changing the game and that excites the crap out of me.
We’ve spent a lot of time talking about the importance of it and the characteristics of both the growth and fixed mindset.
However, the characteristics are just the symptoms. To fully understand and realize the power of mindsets we have to dig deeper and look at the cause of these symptoms. Buckle up. It’s go time!
Hey Trev, how about a 1 min. 16 sec. mindset refresher before we start? No prob.
The premise is pretty straight forward:
Our mindsets and views on learning have a massive impact on our success in the short and long term.
People who believe that they can grow their intelligence and abilities are said to have a “growth” mindset.
While those who believe that our intelligence and abilities are set, or we have what we have, are said to have a “fixed” mindset.
Science shows two important things:
People with a growth mindset work harder, are more persistent, and are more open to challenges than people with a fixed mindset.
People with a growth mindset learn and grow faster and better than people with a fixed mindset
The symptoms or characteristics of the two mindsets are laid out in this fancy table. It does a great job of giving us the big picture and showing us the impact that the mindsets have:
However, in order to really have an impact on ourselves and those around us we need to go deeper than the table, deeper than the symptoms, and we need to work to understand what causes the symptoms.
THE 4 MAKERS & BREAKERS OF MINDSET
There are four really important, high impact, areas that can push us to have either a growth or fixed mindset.
Understanding the brain
Values
Process v Outcomes
Feedback
Imagine these like a mindset seesaw and we’re standing in the middle. If we get these right we drop into a growth mindset. If we get them wrong we drop into a fixed mindset.
1. UNDERSTANDING THE BRAIN
This one is the most important so we’re putting it first. It has a major, major, MAJOR impact on the mindsets. Here is how it works…
Neuroscience shows that the brain is like a muscle. When we stretch it, it is designed to learn and grow. Stretching is the key word here.
Think about doing a set of 10 curls. Which rep sucks the most to do? Which rep leads to the most growth?
That’s right. The 10th (and even 11th rep if you’re wild) are the hardest for sure, but that’s where all the magic happens.
Your brain is the same. When you do hard things, when you stretch outside of your comfort zone, it learns like crazy.
This makes total sense but the problem is, this isn’t taught!
Best selling author, Daniel Coyle pretty much mic drops this whole issue:
“So what will your grandkids be chuckling about in 2061?
Here’s my answer: Brain Ed.
I think our grandkids will look back and say, Back in 2011 (still true today), parents and teachers wanted kids to learn, but somehow they didn’t bother teaching kids the most important part — how the learning machine actually works. What the heck were those people thinking?
And our grandkids will be absolutely, positively, 100-percent right.
Right now, teachers, parents, and coaches in our society focus their attention on teaching the material — whether it’s algebra, soccer, or music. This is the equivalent of trying to train athletes without informing them that muscles exist. It’s like teaching nutrition without mentioning vegetables or vitamins. We feverishly cram our classrooms with whiz-bang technology, but fail to teach the kids how their own circuits are built to operate.
It’s all completely understandable, of course. Our parenting and teaching practices evolved in an industrial age, when we presumed potential was innate, brains were fixed (just as we presumed smoking was healthy and three-martini lunches were normal). But that doesn’t make it right. In fact, you could argue that teaching a child how their brain works is not just an educational strategy — it’s closer to a human right.”
Recap: The brain is like a muscle and we do a shit job of teaching kids how it works. Understanding these things leads to a growth mindset, on the other hand… well, here:
There is another part of the brain that’s also at play here. And, just like brain education, we also suck at understanding it…
The amygdala, or as Seth Godin calls it, “The Lizard Brain.”
The lizard brain is literally the brain of a wild animal. It lives in the middle of our “human brain” and was hardwired to help us survive wayyyyyyyyy back in the day. It’s designed to:
Play it safe
Shy away from change
Avoid risks
Fit in
Play it safe
Play it safe
If we had to design a fixed mindset generating machine, it would be the lizard brain. It is one of the reasons that we are scared to speak up in class, get out of our comfort zones, and try new things. So yeah, it resists almost everything that can help us learn.
Crappy, huh? It seems like getting rid of this thing would be a huge win for us. Well, I’m like 99% sure that there is no such thing as an amygdala removal surgery. So we’re kind of stuck with it. Which means we need to understand how to use the brain to our advantage. Take it away Mr. Godin:
If you’re seeking to destroy, defeat, or conquer the lizard brain, you will fail. It cannot be done. When you try to fight the lizard brain you give it more power.
What you can do is dance with the lizard brain. What you can do is realize that the lizard brain is a compass. And when it freaks out it’s telling you that you’re onto something. When it freaks out it’s telling you that you’re about to do something that is brave, and bold, and powerful.
You should listen to it by doing exactly the opposite of what it’s telling you to do. When we listen to the lizard brain, welcome it, and thank it for giving us a clue, we can use it to our own end.
2. VALUES
We can approach nearly all situations in life in two ways; as a learner, or as a lizard.
No matter how hard or easy something is a learner’s main concern is getting better and finding the lessons. To protect it’s ego, a lizard wants to look good and play it safe – which makes sense. If you believe your skills and intelligence are fixed, you don’t want people to know you’re not that great at something.
A learner speaks up in class, attempts something new, welcomes the stumbles, finds the lessons in both wins and losses, and GETS BETTER. (I love how self fulfilling this one is).
A lizard keeps their mouth shut, plays it safe, hides from situations where they might mess up, is satisfied with a win, discouraged with a loss, and MISSES OUT on daily opportunities to learn and grow. (What’s the opposite of self fulfilling? This is that).
These values directly impact our mindset. This study shows the power of these values and how we can manipulate them:
Dr. Adam Alter and Dr. Joshua Aronson gave Princeton University underclassman a challenging test using questions from the GRE. Students were divided into two groups:
Group 1: Questions were presented to make the students feel like they were being judged on whether or not they truly belonged at Princeton. This activated their lizard brain and their main concern became looking good. They took the test with a fixed mindset.
Group 2: Questions were presented as ‘brain teasers.’ The title of the test was even called Intellectual Challenge Questionnaire. Students were told to do their best and enjoy the challenge. These students took the test with a growth mindset.
By simply reframing the instructions Alter and Aronson created a massive performance gap on the test…
This was one test, with a one sentence primer. Imagine what happens over the course of a semester or a year, where a student is feeling judged and concerned with ALWAYS looking good hundreds and hundreds of times…
The good news is that it also shows that we can condition ourselves and those around us to have a more healthy view on learning (which is also what I’ve discovered during the Train Ugly Challenge).
Enough rambling. You’re here for the 3rd maker/breaker…
3. PROCESS V OUTCOMES
This is the most delicate maker/breaker of them all. It’s not black and white like the others. In fact, our good friend, “The Seesaw of Mindset” doesn’t even apply here.
By now I think it’s pretty obvious how a fixation with outcomes and results would lead to a fixed mindset. Concerns with looking good, playing well, and winning supersede concerns with getting better (which we know involves some stumbles, set-backs, and losses). An obsession with winning and looking good robs us of valuable opportunities to learn.
At this point a lot of us (including me three months ago) may come to the conclusion that:
Fixating on outcomes = fixed mindset
so…
Focusing on the process = doing away with outcomes/results = growth mindset
Sorry, but it’s not that black and white.
A healthy focus on the process does NOT mean we can completely shut ourselves off from outcomes and results. I’ve seen some people misinterpret a “process focus” and use it as a place to hide. They avoid putting themselves out on the line and into the fire. They claim to only care about learning and not about the results, but it can become an excuse for them to not confront themselves.
The truth is: life is, and always will be, full of competition and battles, wins/losses, successes/failures, and ups/downs. It’s actually pretty damn easy to have a growth mindset when everything is on going well and when you’re not feeling the heat. The hard part (and most important) is conditioning ourselves to be a learner when things are going wrong, our neck is on the line, it’s crunch time, and when it all matters the most (which is what life is all about).
Everything is a skill. Everything can be learned. And the only way to develop our growth mindset under fire is to experience the heat. Something needs to be on the line. And the outcome has to matter.
Josh Waitzkin – A master of learning and author of The Art of Learning) explains:
“The road to success is not easy, or else everyone would be the greatest at what they do. We need to be mentally prepared to face the unavoidable challenges along the way. And when it comes down to it, the only way to learn how to swim is by getting in the water.”
And how about a splash of Carol Dweck:
“The mark of a champion is the ability to win when things are not quite right – when you’re not playing well and when your emotions are not the right ones.”
Great learners can also use outcomes and results as a measuring stick to gauge progress. These short-term wins and improvements in performance can add fuel to the growth mindset fire, helping us to stay the course of becoming a lifelong learner.
Don’t get me wrong: Yes – games are random and a lot of it is out of our hands. Yes – you can play great and still lose.
BUT – If you’re being a learner and practicing properly you can expect to see some results. These can absolutely show up on a scoreboard, in the stats, or on a test score.
So here is what we know:
Fixating on outcomes and results is wrong.
Too much sheltering from results can be stunting.
Outcomes (if framed properly) can be a great gauge of progress and teach us how to handle the ups and downs of life.
I think the key here is to find a balance where we have a nurturing, long-term, process focus, balanced with healthy short-term goals. Results and outcomes do, and should matter. Thats why we put in the time at practice and in the classroom.
My advice is to acknowledge the outcome and focus on the process.
We can be disappointed with a loss, but still take a growth mindset approach. We can look at the process that led to the loss. Was it bad luck? Were we unprepared? And focus on what we can fix and get better at for next time.
Just as we can be excited and celebrate a win, but hold onto our long-term process focus. We can talk about what led to the win, what went well, and also where we can improve for next time.
This is hard to do but I think the next section does a great job of helping us out.
So yeah, a seesaw won’t cut it for this one. Introducing…
4. FEEDBACK
Honestly this one scares me a lot. It points out some major flaws in the way we talk to our players, students, and children – showing that we’re actually a major cause of their fixed mindsets.
This video is a great starting point:
We can go even deeper with it.
As teachers, coaches, and parents we’re not ALWAYS praising the kids we work with. Sometimes things go wrong and we need to do some critiquing. There are actually three ways we can go about praising or critiquing someone:
Person
Process
Outcome
This is when we direct our praise or critique at the person: “YOU are so smart,” “YOU are such a good dancer,” “YOU aren’t good at math,” “YOU can’t shoot.” As you can see, if it involves the word “you” it’s most likely praise or a critique on the person.
This is when we direct our praise or critique at the effort and strategies that went into the process: “Great job on that test – you must of worked really hard,” “That wasn’t your best performance – what do you think we can do better next time?” The goal is to focus on what led to the outcome.
This is when we direct our praise or critique at the outcome or result. “WOW! You got an A,” “Great win – let’s celebrate!” “That’s a really low score on that test,” “You played really bad today.”
Again, this situation isn’t completely black and white.
Meet Bill. Bill is your child for the next couple of minutes…
Bill loves golf. He loves practicing, watching the PGA tour on TV, and he studies the game like crazy.
Bill plays in a weekend tournament at your local course. It doesn’t go well at all. He’s disappointed in his performance and feeling down.
As Bill’s surrogate parent – what do we say?
Directing our critique at him as a person is incredibly destructive… “Maybe you’re just not cut out to be a golfer.” Ummm NO. Never do that. Please.
We could take an outcome focus: “Wow that didn’t go very at all – that’s one of your highest scores of the season.” Meh – I don’t see that helping at all.
What if we take it all back to the process?: “Don’t worry about it – it doesn’t really matter let’s focus on what we can do better for next time.” I think this is the right path but saying “it doesn’t matter,” isn’t fair to Bill. He knows it matters. It feels important and he’s invested a ton of time working to get better. It matters to him A LOT.
I think we need to take a lesson from the last section, walk the tightrope, and acknowledge the outcome/results but then turn the focus to the process:
“Bill I know you’re disappointed and it’s ok to feel like that. You and I both know that wasn’t your best performance. What do you think happened? What can we fix for next time? What are some things that went well?”
Acknowledging the outcome shows empathy and that we understand that not playing your best can hurt a bit. Then by taking the focus to the process, or what caused the poor performance, we are encouraging Bill to have a growth mindset, find the lessons in the loss, and use the experience to grow.
When Bill plays great and wins…
The same rules apply.
We need to avoid praising him as a person: “That’s my boy! You’re a natural – the next Tiger Woods!!”
We can’t just talk about outcomes: “That was amazing! You’re a champ – let’s go get ice cream!” This approach essentially tells Bill that he’s a winner when he wins, and a loser when he loses. And that we are excited for him only when he plays well. No bueno.
We can’t shut off his emotions and focus only on the process while Bill is jumping up and down with excitement: “No time to celebrate. What went well? What went wrong? What can we do better next time?” Bill should be able to enjoy the win and feel really great about the progress he’s made.
I know I’m sounding like a broken record but, again, we need to acknowledge the outcome and then focus on the process.
Josh Waitzkin:
“A heartfelt, empathetically present, incrementally inspired mom or dad or coach can liberate an ambitious child to take on the world.”
I’m so fascinated with this topic and working on a really cool study to learn more about it.
That’s all folks. Email me at trevor@trainugly.com if you have any questions. This matters so much to me and I would love to help you use this to take your mindset to a whole new level.
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We want to give our children the best. We would love to give our children all the things we never got to have. But sometimes parents go too far with the way they show their affection. And this doesn’t bring the best out of our kids. Before things get out of hand, pay attention to the points listed below.
