Did You Get the Hidden Parenting Message in Finding Nemo?

By Michelle Shelton

In the movie, Finding Nemo, Nemo's father, Marlin asks the sea turtle, Crush, "Dude, how do you know when they are ready?"

This is an interesting question that many parents would like to know. How DO you know when your children are ready to take on tasks for themselves? The only way to know if your children are ready for something is to test them. In the movie you may remember Nemo being in the fish tank and becoming stuck in the air tube, all of the other fish wanted to rescue Nemo from a certain death. All except Gil. Gil could see that Nemo was perfectly capable of getting out of the tube for himself. Nemo on the other hand was told his entire life by his father that he couldn't swim well because he had a bad fin. Nemo promptly relayed this message to Gil. Yet Gil didn't buy it. He could see that Nemo could indeed save himself and he told him so. So what could Nemo do? Nothing. Nothing that is except perform. He had to save himself because he had no other choice. He had to get out of the air tube himself or he would die. When put to the test by Gil, Nemo passed with flying colors. He got himself out of the air tube and quickly realized that he COULD do it himself. Gil instantly gave Nemo the gift of self-accomplishment and confidence that his father had unintentionally robbed Nemo of his entire life.

Children often tell their parents that they can't perform certain tasks because children know that their parents will bail them out. Someone is always selling and someone is always buying. When your children are selling you on what they can't do, are you buying? Or do you sell them on what they CAN do?

As parents we must realize that our children need to be tested in order to grow. We must allow them to fail on the little things and be there to pick them up when they fall. This is how they learn. This is how they grow.

Nemo's Father Taught us Failure is Necessary for Success!

I think the way you know they are ready is to train them to do a task and then teach them why it is important to be able to do it themselves and then turn them loose and allow them some room to fail. That's right, I said fail. My father once told me that failure was necessary for success. "Don't worry about failure," he said, "just make sure you fail forward."

In order for children to develop properly we must allow them room to grow and not do everything for them. Anything you do for your children that they can do for themselves will cripple them. I find it interesting that Nemo had a crippled fin and wonder if he was crippled because his father never allowed him to swim very far from home because of the dangers of the ocean. Nemo's father was so overprotective of him that he didn't give him the skills necessary to develop confidence and the life skills he needed to deal with the dangers of the ocean.

This is the type of parenting that creates children that never learn to get themselves out of a jam. These children become very dependent on others to bail them out of every situation. These children grow into dependent adults. Not only do they become extremely dependent on others, they have very little confidence in themselves and their own abilities and often lead a chaotic life.

It is difficult to know when we are being too protective of our children and to know when we must step in and rescue them. I suggest that parents not only train their children how to do something but also give them the "why" behind the training so they instill it in their mind. We must train AND teach them about the world so they can learn to make good decisions when we are not there to bail them out.

Are You too Protective? If so, what can you do?

When you watch the movie, Finding Nemo, you will notice that Nemo's father protected him from anything that might be potentially dangerous. In doing so, he never taught little Nemo how to deal with the dangers he might face in the world. This would be like never allowing our children to cross the street unless we were with them because a car may hit them. At some point we must train them how to do it and then teach them why it is important to follow this training. Then we simply must trust them enough to allow them to try it on their own.

Perhaps you have been overprotecting your children. How can you change? First ask yourself. Can he do this himself? Is he at the point he can be trained how to do this? Why should he do this himself? This is the only hope of giving your children confidence in their own abilities and making them independent of you. After all, your job as a parent is to teach your children to be independent of you, not dependent on you!

Michelle Shelton and her husband Paul live in Gilbert, Arizona with their five children. Michelle is a full time Real Estate Agent with Keller Williams Realty Southeast Valley and focuses on Arizona Horse Property. You can visit her site at http://www.askmichelleshelton.com or email her at michelleshelton@yahoo.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michelle_Shelton

Does It Matter Whether We Win or Lose...?

It does matter whether we win or lose.

In sports and in business, in fact in every facet of human existence it matters very much whether we win or loose.   The key to happiness is in how we define winning. Winning is successfully making decisions that will positively affect the outcome of a challenge and then having the will to give your very best.  In a swim meet attended by 1200 participants, with 80 swimmers in each event there can be only one winner in the traditional sense.  However, there can be 80 winners if preparation is met with the will to find the limit of ability.

Preparation is all the things you do day in and day out, they can either bring you closer to winning or take you farther away from it.  Getting to practice 20 minuets before it starts, eating right, getting 8 hours or more sleep every night, focusing on the details of a good turn, etc. are all examples of choices that will have a positive impact.  The list is endless, and it is every participants charge to prepare himself and to hone skills to be the very best he can be on race day.  That’s the easy part; the part that we all know…honestly work hard and you will see results.  But this alone will not make a competitor a winner.  To be a winner one must have the will power to put everything he has on the line.  To give every ounce of energy, then dig deeper to find more, again and again.  But how do we help train the will to give a best effort?

Here is a hypothetical situation:  “Your son is preparing for the Long Course Zone swim meet in August.  It is to be the fastest meet he has ever attended.  With the help of his coaches he has set a goal of placing in the top 3.   You know what his ability realistically is.  You know how tall he is and what genes he has.  You also know how well he has prepared.  You watched him wake up every morning to get to practice early, and then again you saw how dog tired he was when he got in the car to go home.  You know he turned down his friends, when they asked him to go to the movies, because he wanted to get a good nights sleep.  You know he packed a healthy lunch every day rather than eating some fast food prepared in a grease fryer.  You also saw him do shoulder exercises every night.  You watched him make choices that will positively affect the outcome. 

He steps up and the gun sounds.  He dives in and begins to race; his strokes are strong and much improved over the last time he raced.  Repeatedly he is challenged by other swimmers and every time he seems to dig deeper and stay in the lead.  He executes the turn perfectly; with a great streamline and he rockets off the wall.  Down the home stretch a swimmer in the lane next to him puts in a strong finishing kick.  It looks like the other swimmer will pass him half way down the pool, but he holds on.  His stroke falters for a moment and he gasps for breath as another competitor moves up to challenge.  But true to his preparation, he puts his head down and stays in the lead, getting his stroke back and fighting off the burn in his muscles and lungs.  As the race enters the final 10 meters, it is going to be a close race, three… two… one strokes to go.  The swimmer, in the lane over is going to time their stroke perfectly for the finish, but your swimmer drops an amazing final kick for the last 10 meters.  And the winner is….. Are you dying to know?  Does it matter?  Will you be more proud of him or happier for him if he touches the wall first?  Most of all how can we develop the will power our hypothetical swimmer displayed numerous times when challenged during the race.  What brought this spirit out of him?  And what will he feel praised for at the end of the season, win or lose? 

Let’s say he did win.  He hears the cheers from the crowd and he gets high fives from his friends and most of all a big hug from you.  In November what will he remember?  Keep in mind he is just a kid; most likely he will remember the big bear hug, the high fives and the medal sitting on his desk.  But does that help develop the will power to repeatedly dig deeper and find a new level of excellence?  What lesson will he take with him for the rest of his life?  Beat every one else and you will receive praise?  Or dedicated preparation and good decision making skills result in positive outcomes. 

It is often hard to remember to do.  And it is more rarely done enough.  But the key is to let your swimmer know you appreciate all the good choices he or she makes on a daily basis.  It is not enough, if at the end of the year they win the race or reach their goal.  Remember they are just a kid and they have the memory befitting their age.  Young athletes need to know that you are proud of them for doing the things other kids don’t do. They need to know that you support them when they take on a new challenge.  They don’t want to hear about time standards, stoke corrections, or what you think they should do in a race.  They want to hear what you think about them committing to something difficult, that you love them win or lose, and that you see value in what they do… Most of all they need to be reminded that you are 100% behind them every time they act in support of their goal.

A person can only find the will to give their very best if they know they have the support of the most important people in their lives, regardless of the outcome of their effort.

Regardless of the outcome, in order to give their very best effort, an athlete must know that they have the total support of the most important people in their lives.

Winning is found at the intersection of purposeful preparation and an honest best effort.  Only when a person knows that the most important people in their lives are in support of them will they have the courage to dig deep into themselves and give their very best.

Things My Mother NEVER Said to Me as a Soccer Player

Do We as Parents Really Know What Is Best for Our Children?

In today’s modern sports world, where the parents of young athletes determine what is “best” for their children (even though it is not always the best choice for them), it is refreshing to come across articles like the one below.

Too many times – in all sports – the team coach or club has been in situations where they are not able to function without parent interference and a lot of negativity.

If you have coached in youth sports, at any level or any sport, you will have come across situations that involve parents. It could be playing time, positional play, favorites, training, and so on. You get the picture. But it happens more and more as this generation of parents grow with their sport. They tend to watch more videos and TV or read books to extend their knowledge.

Believe me, I have no problem with parents who really want to get after their sport, but the coaches put in charge of their kids have gone through the licensing process to achieve a higher understanding of the sport and try to teach the children the correct way. Of course, as in any business, you are going to get different standards of the teaching process – some good, some not so good.

Every parent will do what they believe is best for their children. I firmly believe that it is a long process that has to be considered carefully through those young ages. Sometimes difficult choices have to be made, for good or bad.

I hope you enjoy the article, I spoke to Tony Earp about releasing his article to SoccerNation and felt it would make very good reading for the soccer families across the nation.

"Things My Mother Never Said To Me" (by Tony Earp)

I truly believe nobody accomplishes anything on their own. Success is a combination of individual effort and surrounding yourself with the right people who will influence your life in the correct way. I was fortunate enough to have a mom who loved me dearly and would do anything necessary to make sure I had the best chance to be successful. As a kid, my success on and off the soccer field was a direct result of a lot of hard work (because I am not overly gifted in any capacity), and the discipline instilled in me by my mom in every aspect of my life.

My mom would often say to me, “You can only control what you do.” With this in mind, she rarely ever allowed me to blame other people or look anywhere but internally on the reason for, or the result of, my actions. This is a tough thing to stick by because there are a lot of times in life that you do everything you are suppose to and things do not work out the way we want. It is usually at those times we look for external reasons for “why” and will point blame to a person, group, or organization. My mom would never allow me to do that. She always refocused me to learn from the experience and work harder the next time around.

It may have been different times when I was a kid, and I will never tell a parent how to raise a child or to not step in when their child is being treated unfairly. All parents have the urge to protect their child and want their child to have the best opportunities to be successful. But when do parents step in too much? Even with the best intentions, by parents protecting their kids from negative situations, they can create situations for their kids that actually will have long-term negative effects. On the surface, it looks like the right thing to do, and may have a short-term benefit, but will have negative effects on the child moving forward.

As a soccer coach, I hear a lot of things said by parents to me or their kids that my mom never said to me growing up. I attribute my success on the field to my mom avoiding these comments and not allowing me to make excuses or justify disappointment in the wrong way. By avoiding the comments below, my mom forced me to always focus internally and never make excuses for myself or others. My high school team won 3 state championships, I received a full scholarship to play at Ohio State University, I was a four year starter for the Buckeyes, and captain my senior year. I am convinced the only reason I made it to that level and had success, not being overly athletic or talented, is my mom forced me to take responsibility for everything that happened to me on and off the field. Her most common advice to me was, “work harder next time.” The sentiment stuck.

Below is a sample of comments I hear all the time. As a coach, I cringe every time I hear them. Maybe because I never heard them growing up from my mom.

“My child is not being challenged enough.”

My mom never said this to a coach when I was growing up. If I ever came home from a training session and said, “Practice was easy today,” my mom would reply, “Then, you did not work hard enough.”

She did not even humor the idea that maybe I was not being pushed hard enough by the coach or the coach was making me do training activities that were “below my level of play.” Her immediate reaction was to let me know that how hard I worked was completely under my control. If I felt practice was easy, I just did not put forth enough effort. Case closed.

Am I taking the coach completely off the hook, absolutely not! It is critical for coaches to try to challenge every player and push them to excel. But being challenged is more internal than it is external. For example, if an athlete is asked to run a mile, it may not be a challenging distance for the athlete. The player may be in great shape so a mile run is not challenging at all (on the surface). If the player wanted the mile to be challenging, all the player would need to do is try to run the mile as fast as possible, maybe try to break his/her record, or to put it simply, the player would make the choice to make the activity challenging.

My point is players can control how challenging any activity or environment can be for them. Playing with more skilled or less skilled players, doing complicated or simple training activities, or the duration of activity are not the only reasons something is challenging.

Many parents reaction to a child indicating they are not being challenged it to search out other types of training or a higher level team. I am not saying this is not a good idea at times, but at times it is a quick fix to a deeper issue that goes unaddressed. The child does not put forth the effort required and the reason for that is being put on everyone else but the child. In time, this will hurt the kid’s ability to continue to develop down the road. Anytime a situation is not “ideal” for the player, the excuse of “I am not being challenged enough” will be an acceptable reason for their lack of success and effort.

“My child should play in a different position.”

I came home from a game when I was 13 and told my mom that I think I should be playing forward. Up until that season, I had always played forward and did very well. This coach however felt I was better in the midfield. When I expressed my frustration to my mom, she politely listened but did not give me her opinion or express concern about me playing the new position. My team was having a hard time scoring goals and I was certain I could make more of an impact playing as a forward where I can score more goals versus playing in the midfield. I added the fact that I did not feel as comfortable in the midfield as I did as a forward.

When my mom got tired of hearing me complain about my position with the team, she said something that I will never forget. She cut me off in mid-complaint and sternly said, “Are you a good player?” Stunned by the question, I stuttered, “y-ea.” She moved to eye level with me and said, “Then it should not matter where you play. If you are really that good, you can be great anywhere on the field. If you can’t, then you have more work to do.”

Again, my mom took my complaint that I was being cheated out of playing my best by my coach’s decision and turned it right around on me. Her point was not subtle and quick to the point. I was an upset teenager by my mom’s lack of support and apathetic attitude towards my displeasure with the team, but deep down, I knew she was right. Although not easy to accept and it meant more work for me, I was ultimately in control of how well I played. With a slight change in my attitude and a refocus back on what I can do to improve, I did what was necessary to find success in the new position.

It should be noted I played center mid in college.

“My child should have made that team.”

There were several occasions when I was a youth player that I was not selected for a team. There were times I know I did not deserve to be on the team, but there were other situations where I knew the coaches made a mistake or I was overlooked in the process. Although the disappointment was tough to bear at times, I know it helped me deal with adversity later on in life.

When I would vent to my mom, she was a great sounding board and she allowed me to get out everything I needed to say to let out my frustration with not making the team. She was very supportive and always tried to make me feel better. But, she NEVER told me I should have made the team.

My mom would tell me I am a good player and I worked very hard during training, but she never told me that I got looked over, it was not fair, or some other player was wrongly selected over me. All she told me was “next time, do more to make sure they HAVE to take you.” Again, although deep down she may have felt I did get over looked or it was “political”, she never let me know that. She felt it was more important for me to view it as a challenge to work harder the next time around and continue to get better.

My mom could have complained to the coaches and pointed out how her son played for this team or was much better than this player. My mom could have accused the coaches of taking players they “liked” or “knew” from their own teams. My mom could have never let me try out again in protest to the gross injustice suffered by her son. But my mom never did any of that. Was she unsupportive? Was she not sticking up for her son?

In actuality, I think my mom was looking out for me. She wanted me to learn how to deal with disappointment and respond in a way that would help me not just in soccer but with other challenges I would face in my life. As we all know, life is not fair and at times we do not get what we probably deserve. Many respond by just pointing blame and deciding not to every try again because it will most likely end up with the same result. Others decide to work harder and use what they learned from failing to their advantage the next time around. Which one are you? If you are the latter, you should probably pick up the phone and thank your parents.

“I will talk to the coach.”

Nope, never, not going to happen… if I had an issue with a coach, I always was forced to discuss it with the coach. My mom never stepped in and expressed concerns for me. I asked my mom why she always made me talk to the coach. Her response was not what I expected.

In short, my mom said to me she would never talk to the coach about what he was doing on the field because she would never expect him to talk to her about what she was doing with me at home. It was a simple point and again a very good one. Can you imagine if your soccer coach knocked on your parents’ door and gave them suggestions how to be better parents? Her view was that he was the coach and she was the parent. She will do what she thinks is best for me and the coach will do what he thinks is best. Both will make mistakes and will need to learn from those errors.

With that in mind, my mom gave me the responsibility to discuss issues with my coach or any adult I felt it was necessary. When I was younger, she would go with me, but would still make me talk. I know there were times she may not have agreed with the coach but she would never express her disagreement to me. Why? Probably because as soon as I knew my mom did not respect the coach’s decision, she knew I would not respect the decision either. She would be giving me the “green light” to dismiss the coach anytime I did not agree with him.

There a lot of lessons my mom was teaching me by doing this, but I will not go into them all. Outside of taking responsibility and learning how to bring up concerns to people of authority in a respectful way, the most important lesson was probably the least obvious. By my mom refusing to talk with the coach, it made me really decide if my concern was important. When a parent will quickly bring up an issue with a coach, a player will be more likely to bring up every little thing seen as an issue with the parent because the parent will discuss it with the coach. When the kid is forced to have the discussion, the child will be a little more selective about what a REAL issue is and what is not.

“You are better than that player.”

I would ask my mom if I was better than player “x” or player “y” because those players were getting more playing time than me or playing in a position I wanted to play. Whether I was better or worse did not matter much to my mom, or at least, she never made it the focus of the rest of the conversation.

In my mom’s heart she probably thought I was the best player to ever wear soccer cleats. She loved watching me play and thought very highly of my ability and potential on the field, but she NEVER compared me to another player. She would let me know when I had good days and bad days, but she would not compare me to any other player on the field. There were no coaching points or suggestions on how to play better, but she would be honest about my level of play. Normally the comments would be limited to things like, “I have seen you play better” or “it just did not seem like your day.” On the positive side it would be limited to, “You worked very hard today” or “It was a lot of fun to watch you play.” She always made it just about me, positive at times and negative at other times. She was not afraid to let me know when it was not my best effort, but never slow to let me know I played well.

Honestly, I am not sure if I know how my mom felt about any of the players I ever played with. She never gave me specific feedback about any players on the field. Her comments about the rest of the team would be very general. She would always refer to the team and never about individual players. After games I would hear, “the team looked great” or “the team seemed a step slow today.” This continued all the way through college.

My mom just focused on me most of the time. I was her focus and none of the other kids were her responsibility. She never spoke about me to other parents or talked about other players with other parents. Although parents may ask, my mom deflected the questions and avoided those types of conversations. It just was not her concern and made a choice not to allow herself to be part of those discussions.

This kept me focused on me. We are quick at times to justify how well or poor we are doing based on others around us. My mom forced me to measure myself against myself. When using other players to decide how well I did can dangerously lower, or raise, my expectations for myself. It can create a false sense of success or a false sense of failure, depending who I would measure myself against. We all compare ourselves to others at times. It is unavoidable. But when you cut through all the distractions, you should measure success or failure against yourself. It takes a deep sense of awareness and the courage to accept the fact you did your best or you never even really tried. Both are hard to admit at times.

As parents and coaches, sometimes it is the things we do not say that have the biggest impact on a child’s ability to be successful. Youth sports is not about the parents or the coaches, it is only about the kids. It is their time to play, learn, and grow. The kids need to experience success and failure, confidence and doubt, courage and fear, anger and joy, and everything else that comes with playing sports. My mom allowed me to experience them all. She did not shelter me from the bad or shower me with the good, and I never got to take the easy road to where I wanted to go.

Tony Earp - Senior Director of Soccer Programs

Tony Earp directs SuperKick/TeamZone Columbus' Soccer Skills programs. Tony has a Master’s in Education from The Ohio State University. Tony was a standout player both academically and athletically at The Ohio State University, earning multiple honors both on the field and in the classroom. Tony's achievements included 2nd Team All-Big Ten in 2001 and 2002, serving as Captain in 2002. Tony was named Most Inspirational Player in 2001 and 2002, as well as achieving Scholar Athlete status in those same years. Tony was a member of the 2002 MLS Draft Pool. Tony is a very gifted trainer and educator and will make a major impact on the development of youth soccer players at SuperKick/TeamZone Columbus.

Reprinted from www.soccernation.com

“Raising a strong, sensitive, appropriate male athlete in today’s society”

By Dr. Goldberg

You have a very important but difficult job as a parent raising a boy in today’s society. How do you teach your son to be a strong and assertive male, while at the same time helping him maintain his sensitivity towards others and a connection to his feelings? For fathers who might read this, another, competing question might immediately come to mind. Why would I want my son to be a sensitive and feeling male in this society? Won’t that just leave him weak, vulnerable and indecisive? Good question!

Perhaps we should begin this discussion by more specifically defining what strength and mental health is in young males. Obviously, what you’re about to read is slightly shaded by my bias. As far as I’m concerned, true strength in a male comes from being in touch with all of your feelings and being able to express them appropriately. The typical male in our society does a pretty good job of being aggressive, competitive and assertive. He is capable of being in touch with his anger and for the most part expressing it in a relatively useful way. However, once beyond these feelings, most males are lost in the dark. They are like the carpenter who has only one tool in his toolbox, a hammer. An interesting thing that happens when all you have in your toolbox is a hammer is that sooner or later everything begins to look like a nail to you.

From an early age we’ve (Dads, mostly) taught are sons to be tough and strong. We’ve told them that this means they shouldn’t cry or show their sadness. We’ve taught them to be independent and that to feel dependent in any situation or ask for help is a sign of weakness. We’ve taught them to avoid empathy because tuning into how others feel will only weaken you and get you into trouble. We’ve taught them to “suck it up” and dissociate from pain because that’s what “real men” do. We’ve brain washed them into believing that expressing feelings of love or affection towards others, especially male figures is taboo and something that only homosexuals do.

These macho teaching are reinforced quite strongly in the sporting world. For example, you are not likely to find a football coach who’s into what his players are feeling. As a matter of fact, football is the poster child sport for all that’s wrong with adolescent male socialization. If you play on the team then, you have to be tough, play through pain, not whine when you get hurt, act confident and aggressive all the time and, god forbid, NEVER EVER show your feelings. Stand on the sidelines of a youth football practice and sooner or later you’ll hear a frustrated coach calling his players “girls” or “ladies.”

So what would a strong, well-adjusted adolescent male look like? A Martian, no doubt! First off, he would be somewhat in touch with all of his emotions and have some ability to appropriately express them. He would be sensitive to other’s feelings and be able to put himself into some one else’s shoes. In this regard he would be respectful of the rights of others and show this respect in his behaviors. A healthy young male would NOT be homophobic. Instead, he would have tolerance for the fact that everyone in this world is different. He would be competitive and mentally strong, yet still maintain the ability to keep this competitiveness in perspective. He would be kind and caring and be able to express these feelings. A strong male would feel good enough about himself to be able to speak up when he felt that someone else’s rights were being violated. He would be a champion for those being abused or mistreated. Most important, an appropriate strong male would have respect for women and treat them as the equals that they are. Finally, a well-adjusted male adolescent would have a healthy sense of self-esteem and therefore not need to abuse or oppress others simply to feel better about himself.

Does this sound like a pie in the sky image? Perhaps. Impossible to achieve? I don’t think so. But, then I’m a terminal optimist. I think that you can educate young boys to grow into powerful, yet caring adult males. However, you’ve got your work cut out for you, especially in today’s macho, sexist society. Start your education with your son from day one. While both mom and dad play important roles here, dad’s is absolutely critical.

As a father you want to model appropriate behavior. Be the kind of man in your life that you want your son to eventually grow into. Want him to be tolerant of others? Then you had better be! Want him to respect women and be kind to others? Walk the talk! Treat him with sensitivity and respect. How you carry yourself in the world and in your relationships with him and others will significantly determine the kinds of lessons he learns and the kinds of relationships he develops as an adult. Remember, you will always teach far more powerfully by what you do rather than by what you say!

Above all else, teach your son to feel good about himself. Build his self-esteem in genuine, honest ways. Get in the habit of catching him doing things right. Get excited over his accomplishments. Celebrate his successes and teach him how to learn from his failures. Low self-esteem is probably at the root of most of the nasty, abusive behavior that you regularly see going on with adolescents. Kids who pick on others in school or on teams do so because they feel badly about themselves. One way to stop the cruelty all too common among adolescents is to help your son feel good about himself. Not only will this insure that he doesn’t participate in or collude with this cruelty, but high self-esteem will give your son the courage to speak up when he sees it happening to others.

Taken from Dr. Goldberg’s Newsletter found on his website at www.competitivedge.com

“Build strong, confident daughters”

By Dr. Goldberg

My youngest daughter Julee just turned 16 last month and with this coming of age came the much anticipated, “real” driving lessons. No longer were we looking for empty parking lots with their lonely curbs for Julee to terrorize. Now was the big time! We were doing it all around town. Julee drove and I sat on the passenger’s side doing everything in my power to make sure that she and I were not seriously traumatized for life by this adolescent rite of passage. Despite the prerequisite close calls, she’s been doing quite well lately, that is, up until an incident early last week.   

We were driving to our local athletic club to shoot hoops, she behind the wheel and me being hyper vigilant right next to her, monitoring every gauge in the car as well as every movement around the car within a radius of slightly under 3 miles. I knew the exact location of every squirrel, bird, bike rider, pedestrian and 4-legged family pet and had precisely calculated how much time we had before impact should they make a sudden decision to intercept our vehicle which, I’d like to point out was traveling approximately 1.46 miles per hour below the posted speed limit.   

It was at this point that Julee asked if the car behind us was driving a bit too close. When I looked in the side view mirror I noticed that a red SUV was virtually in our backseat. Maybe that’s why I began seeing RED! When Julee didn’t immediately pull over (this was a no passing zone in a fairly residential part of town where there was no place to pull over), the SUV flashed his brights and then left them on. As he did so my anger began to rise. Julee complained that she was having trouble seeing. (It was right before dusk) He continued to stay close behind her with his high beams on as we pulled over to the left lane to take a left into the street that fed the athletic club. Interesting enough, the SUV pulled over with us. As we waited to turn he began to honk his horn at Julee and I noticed that I was being flooded with white-hot anger and vividly violent fantasies.  

Being the father of two girls, I’ve long understood the protective instinct a parent feels when his child is being threatened in any way. On rare occasions through their childhood this protective instinct has been activated, but nothing to the degree that I was experiencing now. As we turned into the winding, residential access road leading to the club, the SUV honked again from our back seat and tried to pass us around a solid, double yellow line. Because a car was coming in the opposite direction, he was forced to pull back behind us. He continued to honk and tailgate. Even as I recall this incident, I can still feel the protective anger once again bubbling up inside of me. My anger violated all my black belt karate training, (“when you pick up your fists you must drop your anger. When your anger rises you must drop your fists.”).

When Julee put on her signal to take a left into the club, so did the SUV! I didn’t get it. This was clearly not someone we knew who was trying to stop us to relay something important. Nor had Julee done something so terrible that it would have warranted this guy going out of his way to “share” his unhappiness with us. Was there some kind of emergency? Where was the fire? I was momentarily confused. What was really going on here? However, when he pulled over and parked as far away from us as possible and then got out of the car with his gym bag, I realized that he was also coming to the club to work out. Julee, going the speed limit, had somehow cost him valuable seconds! My protective instincts as well as my emotions took over. Truth be told, something inside of me snapped. I was pissed! I marched over to him and took my time letting him know exactly what I thought of him and his driving. I informed him that he had terrorized my daughter who had been driving all of three weeks. I was very much in his face using colorful words and phrases with that you may have heard before. I am embarrassed to tell you that I was just a wee bit out of control. In fact, I was shaking with anger. I must also confess that as I look back on this incident I handled it very poorly. This was one of the first things that I told Julee.

That night I couldn’t stop thinking or feeling. Why was I so ripped? Most of the intensity in my reaction came from the protective feelings that I had had as a father. I’m sure some also came from my deep dark past which I will not burden you with now. As parents, we want our daughters (and sons) to be safe. We want to insure that they stay safe. Unfortunately we can’t always guarantee this. In fact, as they mature, we have to put a lid on our own insecurities and begin to allow them the freedom to go out into the world and fend for themselves. The hard part is that they have to learn to do this without having us there all the time as guides. I don’t have to tell you that this parental letting go process is much easier said than done. Letting go is unbelievably evocative and painful. How can we ever be sure that they will indeed be safe?            

While there are never any guarantees, there are specific things that you can do with your daughter as she develops which will help her better take care of herself in the world. Teach her! Empower her! Help her to become a strong, free-thinking and independent young woman! Teach her to become self-reliant in a healthy way. However, as you do this be careful to avoid the one major trap that loving parents all too often stumble into, the trap of being over-protective.

If you keep your daughter too safe, if you are too restrictive or too overprotective, if you never let her venture out on her own because you let your own fears cloud your parenting judgment, then you inadvertently teach her two rather unfortunate, and near paralyzing lessons. First, the world is a very dangerous place; so dangerous in fact that she needs constant protection. Second, and a more debilitating lesson to teach, in your mind she is not capable of managing by herself. Whether you like it or not, and despite the realities of how dangerous the world really is, your daughter must eventually learn to become self-reliant. Being over-protective robs her of the self-confidence that she needs in order to believe that she can take care of herself.

Obviously, teaching your daughter to be strong, independent and self-reliant are not lessons that you teach overnight. You don’t just throw your daughter in over her head and expect that she’ll start swimming just fine. Instead, you must gradually let go of your control and gradually increase the amount of responsibility that you give to her.
In almost every interaction that you have with your daughter, you have an opportunity to do this, to teach them about becoming a strong, competent, confident individual in the world. You can’t bring a child up in your house without being confronted with countless teaching moments, many times a day. How you handle these teaching moments will heavily determine what your daughter learns about herself and, ultimately how she ends up feeling in her world. Far too many parents ignore or completely miss these teaching opportunities because they are too preoccupied with their own lives to stop, look and listen to their child. Others are way off base with the lessons that they teach because they are too worried, fearful and overprotective. Still others don’t even realize that in every interaction you have with your daughter you are always teaching her something. The big question is, do you know exactly what you are teaching her? Whether the overt lessons seem to revolve around chores, homework, communication, relationships, sex, power, dating, drugs and alcohol, or friends doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you have an awareness of the underlying lessons that are being taught, lessons that directly impact upon your daughter’s competence, self-image, self-esteem, independence and self-respect.

As a mother, you want to provide your daughter with a model for being a strong, confident, freethinking and independent woman in the world. To actually do this you must be willing to take a hard look at your own feelings of competence and power as a woman. You also have to closely examine how you are in relation to your spouse or partner. Are you assertive? Do you speak up to protect yourself when necessary? Do you allow others to take advantage of, or abuse you? Do you take appropriate risks? Do you stretch your “envelope” so-to-speak? What kind of a teacher are you?       

As a father of a daughter in a male dominated society, your role with your daughter is absolutely critical. First of all, from day one you teach your daughter about male-female interactions in the manner that you treat and interact with your wife. If you are regularly dismissive of, or demeaning towards your daughter’s mother you are teaching your little girl that her own value as a soon-to-be young woman in the world is quite low too. You may vehemently argue the point as you read this, but don’t kid yourself. I don’t care how loving you may be towards your daughter. If you are openly abusive to your spouse, your daughter is getting a very clear, albeit covert message about her own self-worth in the world of men and relationships. Worse yet, she is also learning from dad what kind of future partner she deserves!

To help your little girl grow up with power in the world, you as a dad have to empower her. Provide her with opportunities to excel in academics, sports and other extracurricular activities and when she does, underline her successes. Get in the habit of catching her doing things right. Reinforce by celebrating those times and situations when your little girl acts powerfully and independently. Let her know very clearly that you value these behaviors and her accomplishments. If she becomes actively involved in sports, be there for her with support, encouragement and love. Encourage her to compete, to be appropriately aggressive, to dream big and then go for it! Let your daughter know in as many different ways that many times “the best man for the job” is a woman! Help her see that every part of who she is, her strength, willfulness, aggressiveness, competitiveness, caring, intelligence and physical presentation is appealing to and valued by you. 

Remember, you can do a better job of keeping your daughter safe by empowering her and letting her know that you believe that she is developing into a capable, strong and competent young woman. You don’t have to take it on yourself to forever be the source of her protection and safety. Perhaps that’s the lesson I should have imparted to Julee. Maybe I should have encouraged her to handle that incident with me by her side keeping my big mouth shut. No doubt she probably would have done a whole lot better job than I did!

Taken from Dr. Goldberg’s Newsletter found on his website at www.competitivedge.com