My youngest daughter Julee just turned 16 last month and with this coming of age came the much anticipated, “real” driving lessons. No longer were we looking for empty parking lots with their lonely curbs for Julee to terrorize. Now was the big time! We were doing it all around town. Julee drove and I sat on the passenger’s side doing everything in my power to make sure that she and I were not seriously traumatized for life by this adolescent rite of passage. Despite the prerequisite close calls, she’s been doing quite well lately, that is, up until an incident early last week.
We were driving to our local athletic club to shoot hoops, she behind the wheel and me being hyper vigilant right next to her, monitoring every gauge in the car as well as every movement around the car within a radius of slightly under 3 miles. I knew the exact location of every squirrel, bird, bike rider, pedestrian and 4-legged family pet and had precisely calculated how much time we had before impact should they make a sudden decision to intercept our vehicle which, I’d like to point out was traveling approximately 1.46 miles per hour below the posted speed limit.
It was at this point that Julee asked if the car behind us was driving a bit too close. When I looked in the side view mirror I noticed that a red SUV was virtually in our backseat. Maybe that’s why I began seeing RED! When Julee didn’t immediately pull over (this was a no passing zone in a fairly residential part of town where there was no place to pull over), the SUV flashed his brights and then left them on. As he did so my anger began to rise. Julee complained that she was having trouble seeing. (It was right before dusk) He continued to stay close behind her with his high beams on as we pulled over to the left lane to take a left into the street that fed the athletic club. Interesting enough, the SUV pulled over with us. As we waited to turn he began to honk his horn at Julee and I noticed that I was being flooded with white-hot anger and vividly violent fantasies.
Being the father of two girls, I’ve long understood the protective instinct a parent feels when his child is being threatened in any way. On rare occasions through their childhood this protective instinct has been activated, but nothing to the degree that I was experiencing now. As we turned into the winding, residential access road leading to the club, the SUV honked again from our back seat and tried to pass us around a solid, double yellow line. Because a car was coming in the opposite direction, he was forced to pull back behind us. He continued to honk and tailgate. Even as I recall this incident, I can still feel the protective anger once again bubbling up inside of me. My anger violated all my black belt karate training, (“when you pick up your fists you must drop your anger. When your anger rises you must drop your fists.”).
When Julee put on her signal to take a left into the club, so did the SUV! I didn’t get it. This was clearly not someone we knew who was trying to stop us to relay something important. Nor had Julee done something so terrible that it would have warranted this guy going out of his way to “share” his unhappiness with us. Was there some kind of emergency? Where was the fire? I was momentarily confused. What was really going on here? However, when he pulled over and parked as far away from us as possible and then got out of the car with his gym bag, I realized that he was also coming to the club to work out. Julee, going the speed limit, had somehow cost him valuable seconds! My protective instincts as well as my emotions took over. Truth be told, something inside of me snapped. I was pissed! I marched over to him and took my time letting him know exactly what I thought of him and his driving. I informed him that he had terrorized my daughter who had been driving all of three weeks. I was very much in his face using colorful words and phrases with that you may have heard before. I am embarrassed to tell you that I was just a wee bit out of control. In fact, I was shaking with anger. I must also confess that as I look back on this incident I handled it very poorly. This was one of the first things that I told Julee.
That night I couldn’t stop thinking or feeling. Why was I so ripped? Most of the intensity in my reaction came from the protective feelings that I had had as a father. I’m sure some also came from my deep dark past which I will not burden you with now. As parents, we want our daughters (and sons) to be safe. We want to insure that they stay safe. Unfortunately we can’t always guarantee this. In fact, as they mature, we have to put a lid on our own insecurities and begin to allow them the freedom to go out into the world and fend for themselves. The hard part is that they have to learn to do this without having us there all the time as guides. I don’t have to tell you that this parental letting go process is much easier said than done. Letting go is unbelievably evocative and painful. How can we ever be sure that they will indeed be safe?
While there are never any guarantees, there are specific things that you can do with your daughter as she develops which will help her better take care of herself in the world. Teach her! Empower her! Help her to become a strong, free-thinking and independent young woman! Teach her to become self-reliant in a healthy way. However, as you do this be careful to avoid the one major trap that loving parents all too often stumble into, the trap of being over-protective.
If you keep your daughter too safe, if you are too restrictive or too overprotective, if you never let her venture out on her own because you let your own fears cloud your parenting judgment, then you inadvertently teach her two rather unfortunate, and near paralyzing lessons. First, the world is a very dangerous place; so dangerous in fact that she needs constant protection. Second, and a more debilitating lesson to teach, in your mind she is not capable of managing by herself. Whether you like it or not, and despite the realities of how dangerous the world really is, your daughter must eventually learn to become self-reliant. Being over-protective robs her of the self-confidence that she needs in order to believe that she can take care of herself.
Obviously, teaching your daughter to be strong, independent and self-reliant are not lessons that you teach overnight. You don’t just throw your daughter in over her head and expect that she’ll start swimming just fine. Instead, you must gradually let go of your control and gradually increase the amount of responsibility that you give to her.
In almost every interaction that you have with your daughter, you have an opportunity to do this, to teach them about becoming a strong, competent, confident individual in the world. You can’t bring a child up in your house without being confronted with countless teaching moments, many times a day. How you handle these teaching moments will heavily determine what your daughter learns about herself and, ultimately how she ends up feeling in her world. Far too many parents ignore or completely miss these teaching opportunities because they are too preoccupied with their own lives to stop, look and listen to their child. Others are way off base with the lessons that they teach because they are too worried, fearful and overprotective. Still others don’t even realize that in every interaction you have with your daughter you are always teaching her something. The big question is, do you know exactly what you are teaching her? Whether the overt lessons seem to revolve around chores, homework, communication, relationships, sex, power, dating, drugs and alcohol, or friends doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you have an awareness of the underlying lessons that are being taught, lessons that directly impact upon your daughter’s competence, self-image, self-esteem, independence and self-respect.
As a mother, you want to provide your daughter with a model for being a strong, confident, freethinking and independent woman in the world. To actually do this you must be willing to take a hard look at your own feelings of competence and power as a woman. You also have to closely examine how you are in relation to your spouse or partner. Are you assertive? Do you speak up to protect yourself when necessary? Do you allow others to take advantage of, or abuse you? Do you take appropriate risks? Do you stretch your “envelope” so-to-speak? What kind of a teacher are you?
As a father of a daughter in a male dominated society, your role with your daughter is absolutely critical. First of all, from day one you teach your daughter about male-female interactions in the manner that you treat and interact with your wife. If you are regularly dismissive of, or demeaning towards your daughter’s mother you are teaching your little girl that her own value as a soon-to-be young woman in the world is quite low too. You may vehemently argue the point as you read this, but don’t kid yourself. I don’t care how loving you may be towards your daughter. If you are openly abusive to your spouse, your daughter is getting a very clear, albeit covert message about her own self-worth in the world of men and relationships. Worse yet, she is also learning from dad what kind of future partner she deserves!
To help your little girl grow up with power in the world, you as a dad have to empower her. Provide her with opportunities to excel in academics, sports and other extracurricular activities and when she does, underline her successes. Get in the habit of catching her doing things right. Reinforce by celebrating those times and situations when your little girl acts powerfully and independently. Let her know very clearly that you value these behaviors and her accomplishments. If she becomes actively involved in sports, be there for her with support, encouragement and love. Encourage her to compete, to be appropriately aggressive, to dream big and then go for it! Let your daughter know in as many different ways that many times “the best man for the job” is a woman! Help her see that every part of who she is, her strength, willfulness, aggressiveness, competitiveness, caring, intelligence and physical presentation is appealing to and valued by you.
Remember, you can do a better job of keeping your daughter safe by empowering her and letting her know that you believe that she is developing into a capable, strong and competent young woman. You don’t have to take it on yourself to forever be the source of her protection and safety. Perhaps that’s the lesson I should have imparted to Julee. Maybe I should have encouraged her to handle that incident with me by her side keeping my big mouth shut. No doubt she probably would have done a whole lot better job than I did!
Taken from Dr. Goldberg’s Newsletter found on his website at www.competitivedge.com
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