You have a very important but difficult job as a parent raising a boy in today’s society. How do you teach your son to be a strong and assertive male, while at the same time helping him maintain his sensitivity towards others and a connection to his feelings? For fathers who might read this, another, competing question might immediately come to mind. Why would I want my son to be a sensitive and feeling male in this society? Won’t that just leave him weak, vulnerable and indecisive? Good question!
Perhaps we should begin this discussion by more specifically defining what strength and mental health is in young males. Obviously, what you’re about to read is slightly shaded by my bias. As far as I’m concerned, true strength in a male comes from being in touch with all of your feelings and being able to express them appropriately. The typical male in our society does a pretty good job of being aggressive, competitive and assertive. He is capable of being in touch with his anger and for the most part expressing it in a relatively useful way. However, once beyond these feelings, most males are lost in the dark. They are like the carpenter who has only one tool in his toolbox, a hammer. An interesting thing that happens when all you have in your toolbox is a hammer is that sooner or later everything begins to look like a nail to you.
From an early age we’ve (Dads, mostly) taught are sons to be tough and strong. We’ve told them that this means they shouldn’t cry or show their sadness. We’ve taught them to be independent and that to feel dependent in any situation or ask for help is a sign of weakness. We’ve taught them to avoid empathy because tuning into how others feel will only weaken you and get you into trouble. We’ve taught them to “suck it up” and dissociate from pain because that’s what “real men” do. We’ve brain washed them into believing that expressing feelings of love or affection towards others, especially male figures is taboo and something that only homosexuals do.
These macho teaching are reinforced quite strongly in the sporting world. For example, you are not likely to find a football coach who’s into what his players are feeling. As a matter of fact, football is the poster child sport for all that’s wrong with adolescent male socialization. If you play on the team then, you have to be tough, play through pain, not whine when you get hurt, act confident and aggressive all the time and, god forbid, NEVER EVER show your feelings. Stand on the sidelines of a youth football practice and sooner or later you’ll hear a frustrated coach calling his players “girls” or “ladies.”
So what would a strong, well-adjusted adolescent male look like? A Martian, no doubt! First off, he would be somewhat in touch with all of his emotions and have some ability to appropriately express them. He would be sensitive to other’s feelings and be able to put himself into some one else’s shoes. In this regard he would be respectful of the rights of others and show this respect in his behaviors. A healthy young male would NOT be homophobic. Instead, he would have tolerance for the fact that everyone in this world is different. He would be competitive and mentally strong, yet still maintain the ability to keep this competitiveness in perspective. He would be kind and caring and be able to express these feelings. A strong male would feel good enough about himself to be able to speak up when he felt that someone else’s rights were being violated. He would be a champion for those being abused or mistreated. Most important, an appropriate strong male would have respect for women and treat them as the equals that they are. Finally, a well-adjusted male adolescent would have a healthy sense of self-esteem and therefore not need to abuse or oppress others simply to feel better about himself.
Does this sound like a pie in the sky image? Perhaps. Impossible to achieve? I don’t think so. But, then I’m a terminal optimist. I think that you can educate young boys to grow into powerful, yet caring adult males. However, you’ve got your work cut out for you, especially in today’s macho, sexist society. Start your education with your son from day one. While both mom and dad play important roles here, dad’s is absolutely critical.
As a father you want to model appropriate behavior. Be the kind of man in your life that you want your son to eventually grow into. Want him to be tolerant of others? Then you had better be! Want him to respect women and be kind to others? Walk the talk! Treat him with sensitivity and respect. How you carry yourself in the world and in your relationships with him and others will significantly determine the kinds of lessons he learns and the kinds of relationships he develops as an adult. Remember, you will always teach far more powerfully by what you do rather than by what you say!
Above all else, teach your son to feel good about himself. Build his self-esteem in genuine, honest ways. Get in the habit of catching him doing things right. Get excited over his accomplishments. Celebrate his successes and teach him how to learn from his failures. Low self-esteem is probably at the root of most of the nasty, abusive behavior that you regularly see going on with adolescents. Kids who pick on others in school or on teams do so because they feel badly about themselves. One way to stop the cruelty all too common among adolescents is to help your son feel good about himself. Not only will this insure that he doesn’t participate in or collude with this cruelty, but high self-esteem will give your son the courage to speak up when he sees it happening to others.
Taken from Dr. Goldberg’s Newsletter found on his website at www.competitivedge.com
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