Just a brief post to wish you a very, merry Christmas holiday season and to challenge you to consider doing something new this year.
For centuries, Christmas has been a time for giving gifts, spending time with loved ones and taking time off. Regardless of your background, most of you perpetuate the ritual of cherishing the people nearest you by giving a present or two…or five.
This year, why not start a new tradition?
During the years my kids were growing up, I would try to come up with a new ritual or experience on Christmas morning. In other words, just to mix things up, I’d try to get my kids to think about something more than merely “what they were going to get”—what was under the tree. I don’t consider myself the most creative person on earth, but I would consider what I had to offer and think of how I could use it. For instance:
Since I was a commercial art minor in college, one year I drew a picture that represented what each of my kids had accomplished that year.
More than once, I wrote out clues as to where their gifts were hidden around the house and had them hunt for them.
For several years, the first gift opened was to someone other than a family member. We’d select a disadvantaged child and give them some gifts.
An Idea for This Year
This year, I invited you to join me in creating a new tradition. I plan to write a poem for each family member who’ll be with us on Christmas day. (I’ve been doing this for our staff since I launched Growing Leaders). It will be short (just a couple of stanzas) but in it, I will communicate the “gift” they each represent to our family and our community. It’s been satisfying to watch my children become their own person over the years, and I felt this holiday season would be an excellent time to express to them that I not only want to give them gifts—but to say they are a gift to my wife and me. I plan for it to take no more than a few extra minutes, but I am hopeful this time becomes even more important than the present they’ll unwrap.
Now, you may not feel like a poet, so I am not challenging you to do something outside of what is natural for you. I am, however, challenging you to identify your natural strengths, and use them to express affirmation and honor to your loved ones. Perhaps you simply select a word that best describes their value to you. Maybe you select a picture. Or, maybe you identify a term or phrase that does the job. I just believe this time of year should be a time to affirm what we see in others.
Regardless of your faith or background, let me remind you that this holiday should center around ingredients that don’t occur without intentionality:
Relaxation—not just frantic activity.
Celebration—not just meeting everyone’s expectations.
Refreshment—not anxiety over the details.
Family and friends—not merchandise and marketing.
Offer encouragement—not merely material gifts.
Here’s wishing you a meaningful holiday season!
This Week Only: Buy One, Get One Free Marching Off the Map &
Buy One, Get One Free Generation iY
During the month of December, we are working with Santa to deliver two new presents to you each week. This week’s specials include:
Last month I spent several hours with groups of parents, faculty, coaches and youth workers. It was eye opening, to say the least. Each conversation became a candid disclosure of the fears, the struggles and the preoccupation adults have with today’s youth. I made some observations along the way that may prove helpful to you. It became clear that over the course of a kids’ childhood, parents experience various stages as they lead their child. In each stage, their focus shifts. While the shifts are natural, they can lead to challenges in the relationship. If you are a parent, these may prove to be helpful to your own self-awareness. If you’re a teacher, coach, youth worker or employer, these stages might explain why your young people think and act the way they do.
Six Stages of Parenting
Stage One: Inspecting
This initial stage in the parenting journey begins at day one. Parents examine their new baby, bring her home and begin sizing up her features, traits and apparent strengths. It’s normal for moms and dads to do this. After all, they started the whole thing nine months earlier. Sometimes, however, parents can go nuts, over-analyzing every cough, quirk, twist and turn. Parents must work to remain balanced.
Too much inspecting can push parents to compare and compete with other families, feeling deficits or advantages in their findings. This can lead to unhealthy distraction from the goal of simply loving and raising a child.
Stage Two: Correcting
Stage two is all about parents’ natural bent to remedy any problems that arise in the first year or two. In fact, this stage doesn’t end for years, maybe decades. Out of love and concern for their child, parents can get preoccupied with rectifying all wrongs and improving traits so their child will experience the advantages he or she deserves. Moms and dads just want the best for their kids, right?
Too much correcting can make a young child feel as though they don’t measure up to parent’s standards. They can feel inadequate or disapproved and sink into mild cases of depression or melancholy withdrawal from others.
Stage Three: Protecting
At stage three, the child has usually begun school and parents begin focusing on keeping their child safe and secure. They’re protecting the investment. This is the first time children are apart for significant lengths of time without parents around. While it’s normal for us to safeguard our kids from harm—we can go overboard with helmets, kneepads, safety belts, cell phones and background checks.
Too much protecting can stunt a child’s growth. Kids need to experience appropriate levels of risk and failure in order to mature in a healthy way. Too often we prepare the path for the child instead of the child for the path.
Stage Four: Neglecting
By this stage, the child has entered their “tween” or even teen years and begins to feel like aliens around the house. When parents don’t quite know what to do with their “new” kid, they often back off or back down from offering clear leadership. They fear the unknown. And while they never want to appear “uncool”, failing to be hip to culture can cause parents to neglect asking questions and misunderstand.
Too much neglecting communicates parents aren’t engaged. Kids can misunderstand this as both ignorance and apathy. Funny. It was easy to raise the kids when they were young; now parents hardly recognize them. This stage calls for a new kind of leader.
Stage Five: Suspecting
Parents enter stage five as their kids experience adolescence. Their child may have pushed to enter adolescence at eight, but now their hormones have caught up. Moms and dads get suspicious over the secrecy or strange new habits and styles in their kids. Innocence is replaced by savvy lifestyles and vocabulary. Without a plan, parents and kids divide and separate in this stage of estrangement.
This kind of suspicion can breed distrust. The distrust may be well deserved but communication is key during the teen years. Even over-communication. Parents must create safe environments to converse and explore a new stage of relationship.
Stage Six: Resurrecting
Finally, as the child enters college or shows signs of wanting to separate from mom and dad’s leadership, parents seek to resurrect the relationship, at any cost. They want to stay close. They fear losing touch. The distancing is natural for a youth and the clinging may feel natural for an adult, but parents must navigate this stage with wisdom. We must not compromise values or identity just to keep life happy.
This is a crucial stage for parents to journey successfully. Just like teaching them to ride a bike, parents must blend support and letting go. It’s important to relate to kids in a new way, and still act as a mentor during their young adult years.
So, What is Missing?
No doubt, every adult-child relationship is unique. The stages above, however, are remarkably common, for caring adults in the home, classroom or athletic field. For many, there’s an important ingredient missing from these stages. It is conspicuously absent and it’s absence explains why lots of teens fail to mature into healthy adults.
What have we left out as we help them become adults? In a word:
Expecting
I believe we have under-challenged kids with meaningful work to accomplish (click here to tweet). We have overwhelmed them with tests, recitals and practices—and kids report being “stressed out” by these activities. But they are virtual. Adults often don’t give work to students that is relevant to life and could actually improve the world if they rose to the challenge. We just don’t expect much of our kids today. Evidently, we assume they’re incapable. So they fill their day with video games, texts and Facebook. And potential goes untapped. One hundred years ago—seventeen year olds were leading armies, working farms, learning a trade as apprentices. Today—this is rare.
Here’s a thought. Why not talk with your kids and determine what it is they care about in life. Then—offer them a challenge. Whatever their age, expect them to come through and produce something significant. Invite them into a story that matters.
Donald Miller once shared how a friend came to him, grieving that his teenage daughter was dating a guy who was a complete rebel. The kid was a “Goth” whose lifestyle didn’t reflect any of the family’s values and, in fact, was both immoral and illegal. Dad didn’t know what to do. Miller simply asked if his friend had considered that his daughter may simply be choosing a better “story” than the one he was creating as a father in his home.
When the man looked puzzled, Miller continued–-everyone wants to be part of a story that is interesting and compelling. They want their life to solve a problem. This man’s daughter had simply decided her life at home was boring—and her “Goth” boyfriend wasn’t.
This got his friend to think. Over the next few months, he did some research and came up with an idea. Over dinner, this father shared about an orphanage in Mexico that desperately needed help. They needed a building, some supplies and some workers from the U.S. to accomplish their goals. Dad said that he planned to get involved. In a matter of weeks, his kids were intrigued. His son suggested they visit this orphanage in Mexico, and later, his daughter figured out a way to raise money for it online. Over the next year, this family’s story became compelling. Eventually, the teenage daughter approached her father and told him she’d broken up with her boyfriend. She couldn’t believe she was even attracted to him in the first place. Needless to say, dad was elated. Hmmm. I think I know why she didn’t need the guy anymore. I think she found a better story at home.
Here’s to expecting something significant from life and from the kids we lead!
How can you add expecting to the parenting path as you lead the next generation?
Most parents want their kids to be successful in life , so we teach them attitudes we believe will help them achieve their goals. But as I learned while researching my book, many widely-held theories about what it takes to be successful are proving to be counterproductive: They may produce results in the short term, but eventually they lead to burnout and — get this — less success. Here are a few of the most damaging things many of us may be teaching our children about success, and what we should tell them instead.
1. We tell our kids: Focus on the future. Keep your eyes on the prize.
We should tell them: Live (or work) in the moment.
It’s hard to stay tightly focused. Research shows that our minds tend to wander 50 percent of the time we’re awake. And when our minds wander, we can start to brood over the past or worry about the future — thereby leading to negative emotions like anger, regret, and stress.
A mind that is constantly trying to focus on the future — from getting good grades to applying to college — will be prone to greater anxiety and fear. While a little bit of stress can serve as a motivator, long-term chronic stress impairs our health as well as our intellectual faculties, such as attention and memory. As a consequence, focusing too hard on the future can actually impair our performance.
Children do better, and feel happier, if they learn how to stay in the present moment. And when people feel happy, they’re able to learn faster, think more creatively, and problem-solve more easily. Studies even suggest that happiness makes you 12 percent more productive. Positive emotions also make you more resilient to stress , helping you overcome challenges and setbacks more quickly so you can get back on track.
It’s certainly good for children to have goals they’re working toward. But instead of encouraging them always to focus on what’s next on their to-do list, help them stay focused on the task or conversation at hand.
2. We tell our kids: Stress is inevitable; keep pushing yourself.
We should tell them: Learn to chill out.
Children are feeling anxious at younger and younger ages, worrying about grades and feeling pressure to do better at school. Most distressingly, we’re even seeing stress-induced suicides in children — especially in high-achieving areas, like Palo Alto in Silicon Valley.
The way we conduct our lives as adults often communicates to children that stress is an unavoidable part of leading a successful life. We down caffeine and over-schedule ourselves during the day, living in a constant state of overdrive, and at night, we’re so wired that we use alcohol, sleepmedication, or Xanax to calm down. This is not a good lifestyle to model for children. It’s no surprise that research shows that children whose parents are dealing with burnout at work are more likely than their peers to experience burnout at school.
I recommend that parents teach children the skills they will need to be more resilient in the face of stressful events. While we can’t change the work and life demands that we face, we can use techniques such as meditation, yoga, and breathing to better deal with the pressure. These tools help children learn to tap into their parasympathetic “rest and digest” nervous system, as opposed to the “fight or flight” stress response.
3. We tell our kids: Stay busy.
We should tell them: Have fun doing nothing.
Even in our leisure time, people in Western societies tend to value high-intensity positive emotions like excitement, as opposed to low-intensity emotions like calm. (The opposite tends to be true in East Asian countries.) This means that our kids’ schedules are often packed to the brim with extracurricular activities and family outings, leaving little downtime.
There’s nothing wrong with excitement, fun, and seeking new experiences. But excitement, like stress, exhausts our physiology by tapping into our “fight or flight” system — so we can unwittingly prompt our children to burn through their energy after school or on weekends, leaving them with fewer resources for the times they need it most.
Moreover, research shows that our brains are more likely to come up with brilliant ideas when we are not focusing; thus, the proverbial a-ha moment in the shower. So instead of over-scheduling kids, we should be blocking out time when they can be left to their own devices. Children can turn any situation — whether sitting in a waiting room or walking to school — into an opportunity for play. They may also choose calming activities like reading a book, taking the dog for a walk, or simply lying under a tree and staring up at the clouds — all of which will allow them to approach the rest of their lives from a more centered, peaceful place. Giving your kids downtime will help them to be more creative and innovative. Just as important, it will help them learn to relax.
The point is not that we should never challenge them or that we should deprive them of opportunities for learning. The point is not to overschedule and overcommit them to the point where they don't have opportunities to learn independent play, to be with themselves and daydream, to learn to be happy just being rather than always doing.
4. We tell our kids: Play to your strengths.
We should tell them: Make mistakes and learn to fail.
Parents tend to identify their children by their strengths and the activities that come naturally to them. They say their child is a “a math person,” a “people person,” or “an artist.” But research by Stanford University’s Carol Dweck shows that this mindset actually boxes your child into a persona and makes them less likely to want to try new things they may not be good at. When a kid receives praise primarily for being athletic, for example, they’re less likely to want to leave their comfort zone and try out for drama club. This can make them more anxious and depressed when faced with failure or challenges. Why? Because they believe that, if they encounter obstacles in a given area, that makes them “not good at” the activity.
But our brains are wired to learn new things. And it can only be a good thing to learn from our mistakes while we’re young. So instead of identifying your child’s strengths, teach them that they actually can learn anything — as long as they try. Research by Dweck, author of Mindset, shows that children will be more optimistic and even enthusiastic in the face of challenges, knowing that they just need to give it another go to improve. And they will be less likely to feel down about themselves and their talents.
5. We tell our kids: Know your weaknesses, and don’t be soft.
We should tell them: Treat yourself well.
We also tend to think that criticism is important for self-improvement. But while self-awareness is important, parents often inadvertently teach their children to be too self-critical. If a parent tells a child that she should try to be more outgoing, for example, the child may internalize that as a criticism of her naturally introvertedpersonality.
But research on self-criticism shows that it is basically self-sabotage. It keeps you focused on what’s wrong with you, thereby decreasing your confidence. It makes you afraid of failure, which hurts your performance, makes you give up more easily, and leads to poor decision-making. And self-criticism makes you more likely to be anxious and depressed when faced with a challenge.
Instead, parents should encourage children to develop attitudes of self-compassion — treating yourself as you would a friend in times of failure or pain. This doesn’t mean that your children should be self-indulgent or let themselves off the hook when they mess up. It simply means that they learn not to beat themselves up. A shy child with self-compassion, for example, will tell herself that it’s okay to feel shy sometimes and that her personality simply isn’t as outgoing as others — and that she can set small, manageable goals to come out of her shell. This mindset will allow her to excel in the face of challenge, develop new social skills, and learn from mistakes.
6. We tell our kids: It’s a dog-eat-dog world , so look out for Number One.
We should tell them: Show compassion to others.
Research shows that from childhood onward, our social connections are our most important predictor of health, happiness, and even longevity. Having positive relationships with other people is essential for well-being, which in turn influences our intellectual abilities and ultimate success.
Moreover, likability is one of the strongest predictors of success — regardless of one's actual skills. Adam Grant’s book Give & Take reports that if you express compassion to those around you and create supportive relationships instead of remaining focused on yourself, you will actually be more successful in the long term — as long as you don’t let people take advantage of you.
Children are naturally compassionate and kind. But as psychologist Jean Twenge writes in her book Generation Me, young people are also becoming increasingly self-involved. So it’s important to encourage their natural instincts to care about other people’s feelings and to put themselves in other people’s shoes.
It’s true that it’s a tough world. But it would be a lot less tough if we emphasized cutthroat competition less and put a higher premium on learning to get along.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve been told to strive for balance. Yet I’ve noticed something interesting: The times in my life during which I’ve felt happiest and most alive are also the times that I’ve been the most unbalanced.
Falling in love. Writing a book. Trekking in the Himalayas. Training to set a personal record in a triathlon. During these bouts of full-on living I was completely consumed by my activity. Trying to be balanced — devoting equal proportions of time and energy to other areas of my life — would have detracted from the formative experiences.
It’s not just me. Nearly all of the great performers I’ve gotten to know — from athletes to artists to computer programmers to entrepreneurs — report a direct line between being happy, fulfilled and at their best and going all-in on something. Rich Roll, a top ultra-endurance athlete, told me that “the path to fulfillment in life, to emotional satisfaction, is to find what really excites you and channel your all into it.” Dr. Michael Joyner, a top researcher at the Mayo Clinic, says, “You’ve got to be a minimalist to be a maximalist; if you want to be really good, master and thoroughly enjoy one thing, you’ve got to say no to many others.” Nic Lamb, one of the best big-wave surfers on the planet, speaking of his relentless pursuit of excellence in the water, puts it like this: “The best way to find contentment is to give it your all.”
Perhaps we could all use a little more unbalance in our lives.
In the 1990s, the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi introduced the term flow, a mental state during which people become wholly immersed in the activity they are doing and their perception of time and space is altered, their entire being filled with enjoyment. A telltale sign of these optimal experiences, of “being in the zone,” is that the outside world disappears. In such a state, flow and balance are irreconcilable. And compared to flow, balance seems, for lack of a better term, boring.
And yet there is still a cost of pursuing something full-on: all of the other things that you leave behind as a result. When you are wholly immersed in anything, it’s all too easy to let the inertia of the experience carry you forward without ever really evaluating what you’re sacrificing along the way; for example, time with friends and family, other hobbies, even simple pleasures like catching up on the latest episodes of “Game of Thrones.”
There are also risks inherent to having your identity tied up in a single activity — mainly, what happens when doing that activity is no longer an option? It’s not surprising that athletes often struggle with depression and other mental health issues when they are forced to retire. It’s as if the more you put in, the harder it is to get out.
But even so, I don’t believe that balance — which essentially asks us to never go all-in on anything — is the right solution. I think far better than striving for balance is striving for what psychologists call internal self-awareness, or the ability to see yourself clearly by assessing, monitoring and proactively managing your core values, emotions, passions, behaviors and impact on others. Put differently, internal self-awareness is about creating the time and space to know yourself; constantly check in with yourself (since your “self” changes over time); and then live your life accordingly.
Someone with keen internal self-awareness is able to separate the acute euphoria of being fully immersed in a pursuit from the long-term consequences of doing so. It’s the Olympian who chooses to retire in time to start and raise a family; the artist who realizes that setting aside some time for life outside of the studio gives rise to great works inside the studio; or the lawyer who sets a hard rule of not missing family dinners or her children’s sporting events. This type of self-awareness doesn’t come easily. Paradoxically, one of the best ways to accomplish internal self-awareness is to mentally step outside of your “self.” Psychologists call this self-distancing, and examples include pretending you’re giving advice to a friend,journaling in the third person (and then examining the emotions that arise when you read what you wrote), or reflecting on your own mortality.
Practicing internal self-awareness allows you to honestly evaluate and re-evaluate the trade-offs inherent to living an unbalanced, flow-filled life. It ensures that you are making conscious decisions about how you spend your time and energy, and thus decreases the chances that you’ll have regrets about what you did — and didn’t — do. It helps you realize when your identity may be getting too interwoven with a specific activity and that in some instances — writing a book, the first few months with a newborn baby, or trying to make an Olympic team, for example — your lack of balance may be excessive, but it can be O.K. because it’s temporary.
When you put all of this together, an interesting idea starts to emerge. Maybe the good life is not about trying to achieve some sort of illusory balance. Instead, maybe it’s about pursuing your interests fully, but with enough internal self-awareness to regularly evaluate what you’re not pursuing as a result — and make changes if necessary. Living in this manner trumps balance any day.
The swim parent lifestyle is a soggy, herculean and often thankless one.
There are all of the early morning practices, the weekend-long swim meets, the fundraising, helping with the board, chaperoning, the fees, the carpooling, and the food, ohmagod, all the food.
And most importantly, there is the most fundamental and irreplaceable role you have as a swim parent: cheerleader and support staff to your little athlete.
I get a lot of emails from parents who want the best from their swimmers, for them to enjoy the process of improving, but are often unsure what to do. It’s an awkward two-step of wanting to encourage their kids to be better, but to be better without having to be necessarily pushed.
With that in mind, here are some ideas on how to be an awesome swim parent:
1. Encourage accountability.
At the end of the day you want swimming to be your swimmer’s sport. Theirthing.
Let them take ownership of the sport by letting them have their own goals, and encourage them to evaluate and track their workouts to further instill a sense of control of their swimming.
If they have their own reasons for swimming and showing up every day to work hard they are going to be more intrinsically motivated to stay (and succeed) in the sport.
2. Avoid over-identifying with your swimmer’s performance.
How they swim isn’t a reflection of you.
Don’t fall down the over-identification trap where your child’s swim performance is a reflection of you, leading you to ignore how they feel about the sport and focusing on your feelings. Taking the burden for their swimming also removes accountability on your swimmer’s part.
The more likely it’s their thing, the more likely they are to be successful.
3. It’s the process.
If they are getting better, and learning the process of mastering something they are learning and benefiting far more than just having a win-at-all-costs attitude.
A swimmer who is able to master the grind will always outperform an athlete who magically shows up at meet time.
4. Set the standard for how they should react.
I cringe when I see a parent who lacks emotional control at swim meets. You can see the discomfort of those nearby as well, as in, “Jeez buddy, it’s just a swim race.”
These parents not only tend to end up bumping and spitting all over nearby parents and swimmers, but also provide a classic example of poor sportsmanship and set a low standard of self-control for their own swimmer to emulate.
It is contradictory and confusing for children to be told to have self-control, to stay calm and focused in moments of high pressure when their parent is screaming at the coach and losing their chlorinated mind from the stands.
At the end of the day you are your swimmer’s strongest role model. Not the swimmer on the Wheaties box.
5. Don’t mistake sacrifice for investment.
Swim parents are absolutely unbelievable in terms of sacrifice.
They spend a metric ton of time, energy and money in helping the sport go round. From all of the time spent organizing fundraisers, driving back and forth to the pool, countless swim meets, hotel rooms, flights, and more we sacrifice a lot for our swimmers.
And so it’s tempting to have this sacrifice sometimes blur into a sense of investment, causing parents to expect measurable dividends of some sort (college scholarship, sponsorships, etc).
Swimming (and sport in general) isn’t something that can and should be measured in terms of dollars and cents. The time spent in the pool now shouldn’t come with a balance sheet later. The gold medals they don’t win today still translate into healthy lifestyle choices they carry with them for life.
6. When issues come up with coach, address them privately and directly.
There will be times where as a swim parent we have questions or concerns regarding our kid’s swimming. Over the course of a swim career this is unavoidable.
Maybe your swimmer hasn’t improved at all in a couple months and we’d like to know more about why this is. Or perhaps she is being held back a group. Or you have questions about the plan for the team.
Too often when a parent has an issue with coach they will sit in the stands gossiping and complaining to other parents, which does nothing but create a divisive environment for all involved.
Set a time to meet with the coach that you can talk distraction-free (blindsiding them on the way to their car after practice doesn’t count).
Undermining the coach, whether it’s giving contradictory technique and training instruction out of the water, only serves to confuse and put your little swimmer in a place where they have to choose between listening to you or coach when they are at practice. In ideal situations, parents parent, and coaches coach.
7. Let them unplug outside of the pool.
Swimming isn’t and shouldn’t be the only thing in anybody’s life.
Once they leave the aquatic center in the morning or at night-time they should be able to leave it behind. Constantly having to rehash practice or meets in the car, at home, and over the dinner table is mentally exhausting.
Have some perspective about where swimming truly ranks in the scheme of things. Being a great swimmer is cool, but being a young person with enough perspective to realize that its just a race or just one practice is even better.
8. The facilities don’t make the athlete.
It’s natural to want the absolute best for our swimmers. The best coaches, the best facilities, the best of everything.
But removing all obstacles in their talent development ends up having an unintended consequence: an inability to deal with adversity later on in their careers.
After all, having been robbed of the lessons, humility and resiliency that comes from adversity means that when it does finally happen these athletes have a hard time adjusting.
Being on a star-studded team doesn’t guarantee success. Just like how training out of a dark, cramped 22-yard pool doesn’t promote failure. The lessons and skills can be and are picked up in different environments and if anything, the “less than” athlete is going to be at an advantage when it comes to dealing with hardship.
9. Just be there for them.
More than anything, your little swimmer just wants you to be there for them.
To be a shoulder to cry on and to provide a moment of levity when they add time to their PB. To whisper words of encouragement when they are injured. To share the moment when they finally do succeed.
Win or lose, all they really want to know is that their swimming, and by extension their identity, isn’t a prerequisite for you being there for them. Don’t make your love conditional on how they swim. All they want to know and feel is that first or last, whether they are world record holder or local sharks-and-minnows champ, that you will love ’em.
Four months ago, our family bought a puppy. We named her Sadie, short for Mercedes. She is a Morkie, a hybrid of a Maltese and a Yorkshire terrier. At this point, she is the life of our family—very cute, cuddly, confident and full of energy.
And right now, she’s the “alpha dog” of our family.
I know, I know. It’s not supposed to be that way. She’s a puppy for Pete’s sake. But I am traveling quite a bit and my wife has been far more responsive than directive with Sadie. Because we’ve given into her every desire, our puppy thinks she’s in charge. In our busyness, we’ve not taken Sadie to a trainer or exposed her to much training at all from anyone. Outside of her mealtime regiment, Sadie pretty much requests what she wants, and someone gets it for her—be it a toy or a treat. After all, she’s adorable.
I am not trying to throw anyone under the bus. Because I am at the office during the day or gone on a trip, my wife finds herself in survival mode with this cute little critter. Sadie can be a handful. Cleaning up after her can be exhausting. But this also explains, however, why Sadie assumes she’s the alpha dog.
When we give her everything she wants, she begins to believe that she must be in charge. Does this situation sound familiar?
Students or Adults: Who’s Leading Who?
Our experience with Sadie illustrates what I frequently see as I speak on campuses of schools across the country. Over the last three decades, a growing number of schools and families have migrated into a new leadership style. Aware of the psychological needs of adolescents, we want to be responsive to them, meeting their every requirement for self-esteem, safety, security—you name it. And because so many students come from single parent homes or from a lower socio-economic-status (free or reduced lunches), we want to lead with empathy. I believe that’s a good thing. Sadly, however, many of us have not figured out how to be empathetic while still remain directive or demanding. We lower our standards. We let down our guard. We grade on a curve. We upgrade our language to hyperbole, in an effort to praise our kids and help them feel good about themselves. We become reactive, not proactive . . . and it’s had a sinister effect on millions of students.
The result? Much like our puppy, many of these teens feel like they’re in charge. At times it happens subconsciously and unintentionally. And sometimes, the students know it’s happening. I’ve watched them brag on social media about how they’ve manipulated their teacher, how they’ve negotiated a grade, how they’ve persuaded their parent to get them the latest Apple product, and how they’ve threatened to “quit” if their coach or leader doesn’t give in to their requests.
When we show a pattern of giving in, even in the name of compassion or empathy, we actually begin to confuse students. They become fuzzy about what rules will be enforced and which ones will be adjusted. Just like Sadie. Our puppy is confused right now because we’ve not offered clear parameters to her. We say something, but she figures out we really don’t mean it. We cave. We’ve unwittingly conditioned her to keep barking or continue pushing for what she wants, knowing that her will may just be stronger than her owner’s will. At least she’s figured out that it’s worth trying.
Both our students and our cuddly pets need a wise alpha dog. Unless we’re proactive (rather than reactive) in our leadership—we can send the wrong signals.
Six Steps We Can Take
1. Be clear. Lack of clarity breeds insecurity.
Kids often learn that if they argue long enough, they can wear us down and eventually get their way. As our leadership vacillates, our kids feel uncertain about their boundaries. In short, a lot of little uncertainties produce a few big insecurities. Our fuzzy-ness usually results in our kids’ insecurity. The greatest gift leaders can offer students is the gift of clarity. It fosters security and energy in them.
2. Be consistent. Lack of consistency breeds confusion.
Parent psychologists Jayne Rutherford and Kathleen Nickerson, write, “No matter how well you’ve selected your rules, how much you praise your kids, or how effectively you discipline them, you must be consistent, or your efforts will be in vain and your household will still be in crisis. Kids need consistency to get the message because your actions speak louder than your words—it’s part of how they’re wired.”
3. Don’t cave. Lack of strength breeds instability.
When adults give in to the requests and demands of our children, we begin to send mixed signals to them. At first, they like it. After all, they just won the argument. They got what they wanted. In time, however, our constant “caving” begins to foster a constant “craving” in them for strength. With boundaries unclear, they need more direct attention. Unwittingly, we actually breed instability in our young.
4. Stay committed. Lack of commitment reduces growth.
Dr. Kathleen Nickerson says: “Sticking with a new endeavor is what makes it become a habit, and the sooner you start, the easier it will be for both you and your child. What’s going on around children strongly impacts the development of their brain. In order for your child’s brain cells to learn healthier rewards, rules, and consequences, and to behave accordingly in a way that becomes automatic, you must remain consistent while his brain develops.”
5. Determine your compass. Lack of direction breeds anxiety.
As a parent or teacher, if I am fuzzy on what should happen next, I tend to be fuzzy in my direction and in my behavior as well. I may waver back and forth, trying to figure out my dilemma as I go. It’s like building a bridge as you cross it. It’s very difficult. Up front, write down the non-negotiables and make them known to everyone. Be both supportive and demanding. This actually can lower the level of angst a kid feels.
6. Stay accountable. Lack of accountability diminishes grit.
In the end, decisions only have weight if people are held accountable. We’ve all heard the phrase: “You can only expect what you inspect.” If you’ve made a decision, find ways to hold students or children accountable to their part. We can be friendly but firm. Model this yourself. Everyone performs better when they are “watched.” If a student fails to come through, talk about it, don’t ignore it because you’re tired.
In the end, I wonder if we need just as much training as Sadie does.
Order Now: Marching Off the Map
Our new book is now available! Leading today’s students often feels like being in a new country with old maps that don’t work. Understanding and connecting with the generation in this land is often times frustrating and draining. We need new strategies on how to march off our old maps and create new ones.
From decades of research and hands-on experience, Dr. Tim Elmore and Andrew McPeak collate their conclusions into one resource that helps adults:
Inspire students to own their education and their future
Lead students from an attitude of apathy to one of passion through metacognition
Enable students to push back from the constant digital distractions and practice mindfulness
Raise kids who make healthy progress, both emotionally and mentally, through their teenage years
Give students the tools to handle the complexities of an ever-changing world
Understand and practically apply the latest research on Generation Z
Legendary swimmer Cynthia “Sippy” Woodhead broke her first world record at age 14 and won a silver medal in the 1984 Olympics six years later. She now enjoys life on deck as a swim parent. Her 13-14 NAG records in the 200m and 400m free (1:58.53 and 4:07.15) from 1978 are the longest-standing records on the books for girls. Her 500y (4:49.51) 11-12 age group record held for 40 years and was broken earlier this year. Sippy’s 11-12 and 13-14 age group times are as fast or faster than many women’s times in college today. As a swim mom, I have fond memories from meets at the Sippy Woodhead Pool in Riverside, California.
I spoke with Sippy and discovered she has a great perspective as a swim parent. Here are some tips she shared:
“Leave your kids alone. Let swimming be their thing as much as possible. You’re there to provide equipment and food and get out of the way. Swimmers put so much pressure on themselves,” Sippy said. “It’s so much easier to be a parent than the swimmer. I don’t mind going to meets, there’s no pressure on me. I get to sit in my Tommy Bahama chair all day.”
When Sippy’s kids were younger and their practices were an hour long, she could be found on deck watching practice. “I was happy to sit at the pool and listen to the water. I love the sound of kids swimming, the splashing,” she said.
“I don’t ask them how they feel. I don’t ask them about their races. I don’t ask them about practice. I don’t ask about who they beat. I don’t ask. If they want to talk about it, they’ll talk about it. I don’t debrief them. I think they’re pretty happy. I want them to be able to forget about swimming while they are home.”
She also explained that she doesn’t leave heat sheets around the kitchen or remind her kids that a meet is coming up. “I never have given them time standards for meets. They know them, but I’m not holding them up in front of them. They know how to look those things up. They know more than I think they do because they’ve done it on their own.”
Sippy talked about changes in the sport since she was a young swimmer. “We did a lot more yardage. I swam with Chuck Riggs. We did a whole lot of swimming and not much race pace,” she said. “Also, I don’t remember the parents being so wrapped around their kids. I honestly don’t remember seeing my parents at a meet. I know they were there, but I don’t think I ever communicated with them. It was more like a play date. I don’t see that anymore. I see a lot more hovering and parents carrying towels, getting kids their heats and lanes. It didn’t use to be that way.
“I treat my kids the way I was treated. Swimming was my thing and I want this to be their thing. I don’t want them to think I’m taking credit. I don’t want to hover and I don’t want them to think that their swimming is because of me or something I did.”
Sippy said she does a few things for her kids at meets. “I give them their food bags and put $20 in them and leave them with the team. I check on their water bottles and refill them because I want to make sure they’re drinking, but they don’t notice that I was even there. If I run into them on the deck I’ll say something like, ‘good job,’ but I don’t hunt them down. I want them to be free. The most fun I had at meets was hanging out with my friends. You felt like your parents weren’t there. It was fun to be at meets, it wasn’t stressful. I want them to have that same experience.”
How do you keep the experience fun and not stressful at meets?
Elizabeth Wickham volunteered for 14 years on her kids’ club team as board member, fundraiser, newsletter editor and “Mrs. meet manager.” She’s a writer with a bachelor of arts degree in editorial journalism from the University of Washington with a long career in public relations, marketing and advertising. Her stories have appeared in newspapers and magazines including the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Parenting and Ladybug. You can read more parenting tips on her blog.
“Here is my new blog post. I encourage every parent who cares about the future of his/her children to read it. I know that many would choose not to hear what I say in the article, but your children need you to hear this message. Even if you disagree with my perspective, please, just follow the recommendations at the end of the article. Once you see the positive changes in your child’s life, you will understand why I say what I say!”
There is a silent tragedy developing right now, in our homes, and it concerns our most precious jewels - our children.Through my work with hundreds of children and families as an occupational therapist, I have witnessed this tragedy unfolding right in front of my eyes. Our children are in a devastating emotional state! Talk to teachers and professionals who have been working in the field for the last 15 years. You will hear concerns similar to mine. Moreover, in the past 15 years, researchers have been releasing alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in kids’ mental illness, which is now reaching epidemic proportions:
How much more evidence do we need before we wake up?
No, “increased diagnostics alone” is not the answer!
No, “they all are just born like this” is not the answer!
No, “it is all the school system’s fault” is not the answer!
Yes, as painful as it can be to admit, in many cases, WE, parents, are the answer to many of our kids’ struggles!
It is scientifically proven that the brain has the capacity to rewire itself through the environment. Unfortunately, with the environment and parenting styles that we are providing to our children, we are rewiring their brains in a wrong direction and contributing to their challenges in everyday life.
Yes, there are and always have been children who are born with disabilities and despite their parents’ best efforts to provide them with a well-balanced environment and parenting, their children continue to struggle. These are NOT the children I am talking about here.
I am talking about many others whose challenges are greatly shaped by the environmental factors that parents, with their greatest intentions, provide to their children. As I have seen in my practice, the moment parents change their perspective on parenting, these children change.
What is wrong?
Today’s children are being deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood, such as:
Emotionally available parents
Clearly defined limits and guidance
Responsibilities
Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
Movement and outdoors
Creative play, social interaction, opportunities for unstructured times and boredom
Instead, children are being served with:
Digitally distracted parents
Indulgent parents who let kids “Rule the world”
Sense of entitlement rather than responsibility
Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition
Sedentary indoor lifestyle
Endless stimulation, technological babysitters, instant gratification, and absence of dull moments
Could anyone imagine that it is possible to raise a healthy generation in such an unhealthy environment? Of course not! There are no shortcuts to parenting, and we can’t trick human nature. As we see, the outcomes are devastating. Our children pay for the loss of well-balanced childhood with their emotional well-being.
How to fix it?
If we want our children to grow into happy and healthy individuals, we have to wake up and go back to the basics. It is still possible! I know this because hundreds of my clients see positive changes in their kids’ emotional state within weeks (and in some cases, even days) of implementing these recommendations:
Set limits and remember that you are your child’s PARENT, not a friend
Offer kids well-balanced lifestyle filled with what kids NEED, not just what they WANT. Don’t be afraid to say “No!” to your kids if what they want is not what they need.
Provide nutritious food and limits snacks.
Spend one hour a day in green space: biking, hiking, fishing, watching birds/insects
Involve your child in one chore a day (folding laundry, tidying up toys, hanging clothes, unpacking groceries, setting the table etc)
Implement consistent sleep routine to ensure that your child gets lots of sleep in a technology-free bedroom
Teach responsibility and independence. Don’t over-protect them from small failures. It trains them the skills needed to overcome greater life’s challenges:
Don’t pack your child’s backpack, don’t carry her backpack, don’t bring to school his forgotten lunch box/agenda, and don’t peel a banana for a 5-year-old child. Teach them the skills rather than do it for them.
Teach delayed gratification and provide opportunities for “boredom” as boredom is the time when creativity awakens:
Don’t feel responsible for being your child’s entertainment crew.
Do not use technology as a cure for boredom.
Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, malls. Use these moments as opportunities to train their brains to function under “boredom”
Help them create a “boredom first aid kit” with activity ideas for “I am bored” times.
Be emotionally available to connect with kids and teach them self-regulation and social skills:
Turn off your phones until kids are in bed to avoid digital distraction.
Become your child’s emotional coach. Teach them to recognize and deal with frustration and anger.
Connect emotionally - Smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, or crawl with your child.
We must make changes in our kids’ lives before this entire generation of children will be medicated! It is not too late yet, but soon it will be…
Victoria Prooday is a Registered Occupational Therapist, MSc OT (UofT), with extensive experience working with children, parents and teachers. While working with thousands of children and hundreds of teachers, Victoria is alarmed by the drastic decline in children’s social, emotional, and academic functioning and voices serious concerns regarding the future of the entire generation. Her mission is to educate parents about the negative impact of overuse of technology, decline in physical and creative play, emotionally disconnected and limitless parenting style on dysregulating children’s brain and making them less able to deal with real life challenges. She offers practical everyday solutions that have been proven to facilitate tremendous growth and change in children. Victoria is a founder and a clinical director of a multidisciplinary clinic for children with behavioral, attentional, social, emotional and academic challenges. Victoria holds a Master of Science in Occupational Therapy from the Medical School at University of Toronto and a Bachelor of Science in Kinesiology and Health Science from York University.
I recently spoke to a university faculty member who told me a student just chewed her out because she “sucks” as a teacher. When the professor inquired as to why the student felt she was inadequate, the student was unprepared to answer. After stumbling over his words, the sophomore replied, “Because you gave me a bad grade after I tried really hard.”
Universities are now reaping the consequences of thirty years of misguided parenting styles.
At the risk of sounding as if I am stereotyping, let’s look at the meta-narrative. Too many parents delivered the following sentiments to their children growing up:
“You are special and deserve special treatment.”
“If you participate, that’s all that matters.”
“You don’t need to let others influence you.”
“You deserve the best because you are the best.”
As a parent and a teacher, I believe there is a kernel of truth in each of these statements. Every kid is, indeed, special. Participation is important. Kids need to embrace their own views and they can, indeed, be the best at what they do.
But these are partial truths that lead them to poor conclusions.
Kids should not expect special treatment
Employers will expect much more on the job than participation
Others do play a role in our viewpoints and have an opinion that matters
And most are not automatically the “best” on a project, compared to others
These incomplete perceptions have wreaked havoc on a generation of students and they are causing angst in the aftermath. When something goes wrong, some kids go ballistic. Students actually NEED the input of adults other than their parents.
I had a respected educator email me recently with a request. He said:
“One area I would like you to address more specifically is student discontent and the behavior that is sparked when things ‘go wrong’ for them. When they are mistreated (bullied by professors or coaches), I can understand they need to respond. But, when they ‘perceive’ they are mistreated, they will lash out to ‘hurt’ the people or parties they feel are responsible. I have come to interpret that ‘lashing out’ as a way to get revenge, in order to ‘feel better’ about themselves.”
He then offered two examples of this scenario:
“Two students compare grades on a paper in English. One gets a B and one gets a D. Explanatory notes are written on each paper explaining the points taken off (but also points of merit) that explained the grade. The student with the D goes into a rage of sorts and starts trashing the professor through Social Media. This includes making remarks that are irrelevant to the paper and corresponding grade.”
“A basketball player gets upset over playing time. When the coaches explain why AND what that player can do in an effort to get more playing time; the player equates effort with promotion. So, after he/she works harder in an effort to get better, the player expects to play more whether he/she actually got better or not. Plus, he/she looks at the player ahead of him/her getting more playing time and comes up with a variety of criticisms against that player.”
“I have seen this happen multiple times over the last two years and have struggled with coming up with effective ways of dealing with it.”
Three Steps We Can Take to Help Students’ Perceptions
1. Explain the difference between reacting and responding.
Students who receive a poor grade or evaluation have a weapon they’re often unready to handle well: social media. They can “vent” at a teacher or coach who gives them a poor assessment and fail to see what’s happening. Emotion usually follows a negative evaluation immediately. Logic comes along later. As teachers and leaders, we must remember these truths when it comes to our students:
Sometimes people feel guilty—because they are guilty.
Sometimes coaches don’t give more playing time—because a player is untalented.
Sometimes students feel like their work is a failure—because they actually failed.
And usually they’ll vent at your feedback before they benefit from your feedback. The best leaders don’t try to remove their guilt if they’re guilty. Nor, tell an athlete they are awesome, if they are not. Or, inflate a failing grade a student earned.
When students want to react, expressing the negative emotions they feel, that is one thing. They’ll never improve, however, until they learn to respond to an evaluation. Reacting is about emotion. Responding is about logic. This means welcoming a third party to help them see an issue objectively. Once the student matures past venting, we can ask them for a logical reason why their paper deserved a better grade or their talent deserved more time on the field. Logic requires rationale, not emotion.
When students are guilty of something, don’t tell them they’re not. If students fail at a paper, don’t lie to them and tell them it was good. We can offer compassionate feedback that is logical in order to help them think logically. The best time to bring this up is at the beginning of a year, before anyone can take it as a personal vendetta.
2. Help them separate performance from performer.
We must enable students to separate who they are (as the performer) and what they did in their recent performance. A failed assignment does not mean the student is a failure. Failure is not a person. It’s an experience that can change. Martin Luther King, Jr. received a C- in public speaking while in college. His skill simply needed to improve. Thomas Edison was asked by his teacher to not return to school as a student. He had to learn on his own. And he did. Too many American kids have grown up ill-equipped to handle negative feedback. This is criminal on the part of the adults who raised them. We must teach them to seek growth, not affirmation. Affirmation usually follows growth quite naturally.
This is a vital step our young must learn to take to help them grow. We must relay to them that we believe in them and their ability, but that their recent work did not reflect their potential. It’s actually a compliment. We are saying to them:
“You are better than this.”
“I have high expectations of you.”
“These critical comments are because I believe you’re capable of more.”
“And because I believe in you, I refuse to dilute the standard due to a bad performance.”
Once again, the answer is not to dilute the truth. A truthful response, communicated with empathy and concern is what enables them to mature.
Far too many young adults are unable to separate “performance” from “performer” and hence, they take every comment personally—as if it is a personal attack on them. We must enable them to get past this or they’ll never be able to keep a job or keep a relationship in tact.
3. Play a game with them called: What’s it like to be on the other side of me?
Too many students (and adults for that matter) struggle with self-awareness. I believe becoming self-aware is step one on the leadership journey. So why not sit down with your upset student and play this little game where both of you relay to the other what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their communication and style? My friend Jeff Henderson calls this game: “What’s it like to be—on the other side of me?” It’s a brilliant set up for honest conversations where I can both listen to my students assess my style, but also share with them how they’re being received by others. Once I have conveyed my evaluation, I will often say: “I’m pretty sure you don’t mean to come across this way.”
I received a phone call from a former intern, who I let go before her internship was over. It was hard for both of us. The phone call, however, was a positive reflection of her time with us. She left angry but was now grateful. We had both shared “what’s it like to be on the other side of me.” To put it simply, it was eye-opening for her. This young woman called to thank me for being honest, and for turning her “misperceptions into meaningful perspective.”
I believe that’s one of the leader’s primary jobs.
New Book: Marching Off the Map:
Inspire Students to Navigate a Brand New World
Our new book is now available for preorder! Leading today’s students often feels like being in a new country with old maps that don’t work. Understanding and connecting with the generation in this land is often times frustrating and draining. We need new strategies on how to march off our old maps and create new ones.
This new resource collates decades of research and experiences into one practical guide that helps adults:
Inspire students to own their education and their future
Lead students from an attitude of apathy to one of passion through metacognition
Enable students to push back from the constant digital distractions and practice mindfulness
Raise kids who make healthy progress, both emotionally and intellectually, through their teenage years
Give students the tools to handle the complexities of an ever-changing world
Understand and practically apply the latest research on Generation Z
Albert "AJ" Johnson (@AJinsuresME) played 8 years of professional football in the NFL, NFL Europe, and the CFL. AJ played for the Houston Texans, Miami Dolphins and New York Jets and was also a two-time CFL All-star. He is also the Chapter Executive Director for Positive Coaching Alliance in Houston. He has volunteered his time coaching little league baseball, youth football, and other sports at Houston St. Thomas High School. AJ Johnson is also a sports parent of twin boys, a daughter, and a younger son.
In this video, former NFL player AJ Johnson says that it's a problem that parents don't let their kids learn life lessons in their continual chase for the trophy for their kid. Parents are too often willing to have kids change teams for the sake of wins, rather than being loyal to a team in their community and going through struggle. Even if a team is struggling and losing, AJ believes that "we need to let our youth go through some things" in order to create productive citizens through sports. While trophies seem like the most important thing in the moment, trophies collect dust, while learning life lessons of sticking with a team through struggle may be more important.
Yes, you read that right. I want your kid to fail, and the earlier he or she can start failing, the better. I am so convinced of the positive value of failure that I believe you, as a parent, should actually hope your child fails. Why? Because it’s the only way they can truly succeed in the game and beyond.
Sports are perfect for learning how to deal with adversity and failure. The consequences are minimal compared to many circumstances our players will face as adults. And relative to those truly trying situations, the pressure to find a solution is low. It’s the perfect venue to learn from mistakes, to develop a sense of responsibility, to learn how to communicate with adults, and to practice conflict resolution.
Imagine a player who experiences adversity and struggles during a long losing season but learns to battle every game despite the odds. Envision this same player, tired and exhausted from a long semester, battling through the last few hours of a college exam. And can’t you see it now, this same player as an adult bouncing back after a bad week at work, when the sales numbers just didn’t meet company expectations?
But for some reason, our culture doesn’t embrace failure. Instead we shun it and attempt to do everything in our power to protect our children from it. Rather than enduring that long, losing season, we look to move homes, change associations, or find a “better” club team. We will argue better than any elite defense lawyer, debating the meaning of every word the coach spoke, instead of letting our players learn to be accountable for their own actions.
I understand some parents might say, “But the coach treated my player unfairly! I’m not a crazy parent. I’ve asked around. The coach made a poor decision and unfairly punished my player.” First of all, I don’t believe there is a coach who is completely fair. At some level, whether it’s in regard to the attention they give to each player, the allocation of court time or enforcement of rules, the coach will make a decision that’s unfair. But do we not face unfair situations outside of sports, and isn’t it worthwhile to learn how to deal with them?
If you’re a parent, I hope you at least consider this advice. There are times when a parent needs to protect their child. However, these instances are quite rare. In the majority of cases, the best solution is for the player to take control of the issue. If they are allowed and encouraged to do so, they’ll learn a lot and be better athletes, students and people as a result.
Josh Levine is a coach, author, entrepreneur and owner of The Fortis Academy. Follow Fortis on Facebook and Instagram.
Last month, I spoke to a student athlete and her coach in two separate conversations. Hannah (not her real name) had just quit her soccer team. Her reason? “I just couldn’t handle the yelling and anger from my coaches any more.”
When I spoke to Hannah’s coach, he said, “I yell because I just don’t see any grit in these athletes. That’s why I get so frustrated at them.”
Both the coach and the athlete were put out with each other. What’s most interesting is—I believe at least part of the solution may just lie in how we adults lead our students.
How We Tend to Lead in High Stress Situations
Some time ago I finished interpreting data on leadership styles of educators, coaches and parents from eight different states across the U.S. The surveys represented 512 adults who had four realities in common:
They each taught or led students.
They were all over 35 years old.
They all worked with adolescents.
They all experienced high-stress situations.
Two common scenarios surfaced in the results:
In stressful contexts, most tend to lead out of “relief.”
In stressful contexts, the successful lead out of “belief.”
Leading Out of Relief or Belief
Parents often find themselves in challenging scenarios with their own children. With tech-savvy kids who act confident and entitled, moms or dads can become exhausted; their own children can wear them out, especially after a busy day at work. This is when it’s tempting to lead out of relief. We want to relieve the current mess and bring peace to the household. Relief sounds very attractive in times of trouble.
Teachers often have students who struggle and perform poorly. To remedy the situation requires all kinds of patience, emotional intelligence and tenacity—not to mention, time. We can opt for the easy route and seek relief: just give them the answers; prescribe the path for them; tell them what’s on the test, so you can avoid their parents. This feels good because it’s a quick answer that brings relief.
Sadly, while these are quicker and easier options, they’re not long-term solutions. It’s a short-term answer for a larger issue that won’t go away until we choose a different leadership approach.
We tend to be motivated through one or the other—relief or belief.
The Motivation of Relief
Relief is our natural default style. When facing a difficult situation, we seek out a breather for ourselves, or our students. We want to ease the pain; to stop the bleeding; to fix the issue quickly.
As I mentioned, at times it’s about our relief. We choose the easy route and appease students, giving them their requests. It makes life easier, at least in the moment. And sometimes, we lead out of relief by venting our anger. We go into a rage, screaming and yelling just to feel better in the moment. It feels cathartic. Sadly, it is punitive.
And sometimes, it’s about their relief. We want to relieve students of poor behavior because they’re so stressed out; they have so many pressures on them with grades, sports and standardized tests. The least we can do is let them off the hook. And while this does ease the pain temporarily, it doesn’t necessarily empower students to grow and improve. We fix things up rather than make things right. Sadly, it is permissive.
The Motivation of Belief
Belief is the right path. In a challenging situation, we lead out of belief in the potential of the student. We pull out the best in them because we believe the best about them. Research from psychologist Diana Baumrind at the University of California Berkeley reminds us that students produce great when we are both:
Responsive. We are attentive to them, supportive and caring. We believe in them.
Demanding. Because we believe in them, we won’t let them settle for less than their potential.
This is what every student needs. We may tell ourselves that our yelling and frustration is all about “belief in these kids” but if they don’t sense it, we can have the opposite effect. In reality, we communicate that we don’t believe in them; that they’re losers and undeserving of our time and attention. It’s a fine line but it’s very real.
Daniel Coyle is a member of a team of psychologists from Stanford, Yale and Columbia who set out to explore this issue. They asked middle school teachers to give a writing assignment to their students, and afterward, give the students various types of feedback. To their surprise, the researchers discovered there was one particular type of remark that improved student effort so much, they called it “magical.” Students who received this feedback chose to revise their paper far more often than students who did not—a 40 percent increase among white students and a 320 percent boost for minority students. In the end, it improved their performances significantly. The phrase was simply:
“I’m giving you these comments because I have high expectations of you and I know you can reach them.”
The words themselves are not magic, but the thought behind them is profound. They communicate belief in the student, calling out the best in him or her. This requires tough love from us, with patience and tenacity to follow through. It’s effective, however, because our leadership stems from a deep seated belief in our students.
New Book: Marching Off the Map
Our new book is now available for preorder! Leading today’s students often feels like being in a new country with old maps that don’t work. Understanding and connecting with the generation in this land is often times frustrating and draining. We need new strategies on how to march off our old maps and create new ones.
This new resource collates decades of research and experiences into one practical guide that helps adults:
Inspire students to own their education and their future
Lead students from an attitude of apathy to one of passion through metacognition
Enable students to push back from the constant digital distractions and practice mindfulness
Raise kids who make healthy progress, both emotionally and intellectually, through their teenage years
Give students the tools to handle the complexities of an ever-changing world
Understand and practically apply the latest research on Generation Z
For modern families, the adage “food is love” might well be more true put another way: food is power. Not long ago, Dr. Leonard Sax was at a restaurant and overheard a father say to his daughter, “Honey, could you please do me a favour? Could you please just try one bite of your green peas?” To many people, this would have sounded like decent or maybe even sophisticated parenting—gentle coaxing formed as a question to get the child to co-operate without threatening her autonomy or creating a scene.
To Sax, a Pennsylvania family physician and psychologist famous for writing about children’s development, the situation epitomized something much worse: the recent collapse of parenting, which he says is at least partly to blame for kids becoming overweight, overmedicated, anxious and disrespectful of themselves and those around them.
FOR THE RECORD: Dr. Leonard Sax on the collapse of parenting. You put your questions to the expert.
The restaurant scene is a prime example of how all too often adults defer to kids because they have relinquished parental authority and lost confidence in themselves. They’re motivated by a desire to raise their children thoughtfully and respectfully. In theory, their intentions are good and their efforts impressive—moms and dads today are trying to build up their kids by giving them influence; they also want to please them and avoid conflict. In reality, parents are at risk of losing primacy over their children.
The dinner table is ground zero. “When parents begin to cede control to their kids, food choices are often the first thing to slide,” Sax writes in his new book, The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups. A rule such as “No dessert until you eat your broccoli” has recently morphed into “How about three bites of broccoli, and then you can have dessert?” The command has become a question capped with a bribe, as Sax puts it. Dinner at home requires polling kids on what they’re willing to eat; the options might include roast chicken and potatoes or chicken fingers and fries. You can bet which they choose. So parents renegotiate: How about sweet potato fries?
Parents in North America have become prone to asking their children rather than telling them. “It’s natural,” says Gordon Neufeld, a prominent Vancouver psychologist cited in Sax’s book. “Intuitively, we know that if we’re coercive, we’re going to get resistance.” For trivial choices such as which colour of pants to wear, this approach is fine, he says. But “when we consult our children about issues that symbolize nurturance like food, we put them in the lead.” That triggers an innate psychological response, and their survival instincts activate: “They don’t feel taken care of and they start taking the alpha role.”
So if the girl served green peas does eat one bite as her dad asked, Sax says, “she is likely to believe that she has done her father a favour and that now he owes her a favour in return.” Food may be the first manifestation of the collapse of parenting, but many of the problems within families are a result of this type of role confusion. In this way, what happens over a meal is a metaphor for how uncomfortable parents have become in their position as the “alpha” or “pack leader” or “decider” of the family—the boss, the person in charge. The grown-up.
That discomfort comes from a loving place, of course. Many parents strive to raise their kids differently from how they grew up. They say, “I can’t do the stuff I was raised with, it doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to yell, I don’t want to spank,” says Andrea Nair, a psychotherapist and parenting educator in London, Ont. “There’s a massive parenting shift between our generation and the one before. We’ve come a long way from when you called your dad ‘sir’ and when he walked in the house you would jump out of ‘his’ chair.”
The evolution hasn’t been easy, though. “We’re trying to pull off the emotion coaching but we haven’t received the training,” says Nair. “It’s like teaching your kids to speak French while you’re learning it in the textbook.” Parents have made it a top priority that their kids feel heard and respected from a young age. They want to be emotionally available to them, and for their children to be able to express their own emotions. “Kids have permission to have tantrums now because [they’re] learning how to manage feelings,” says Nair. “Someone said to me, ‘Are we seeing more tantrums now than we used to?’ And I wonder.”
Parents also want a democratic household where each family member has a say about what happens—Should we go outside now? Are we ready to have a bath? Would you like to have the party here?—and they cultivate independence and freedom of thought in their children. Strict obedience used to be praised; now it is seen as outdated and potentially dangerous. Compliance might mean your kid is a pushover, which no parent wants, especially as bullying has spread from the schoolyard to cyberspace.
There are broader influences shifting the parent-child dynamic as well. Over the past half-century or more, the public has come to scorn power imbalances based on gender, race, religion and sexual orientation, and historic gains have been achieved in the pursuit of equality. Even corporations are now replacing pyramidal management with “flat organization.” In Western society, where equality for everyone has become a cultural objective and a constitutional right, children are treated like they are one more minority group to honour and empower. “Empower has come to seem virtuous,” Sax says. “Empower everyone, why not?”
But many kids are actually overpowering their parents. That’s the problem, say those working in child development. A functional family unit hinges on the one social construct that contemporary society has been working hard to dismantle: hierarchy. “You need a strong alpha presentation to inspire a child to trust you and depend upon you,” says Neufeld of parents. “If we don’t have enough natural power then we’re hard-pressed to [make] the demand or [set] the limit” for children. “The parent always has to be honoured as the ultimate person,” he continues. “We need to put parents back in the driver’s seat.”
If not, the consequences can be far-reaching, starting with children’s eating habits, which might contribute to them becoming overweight and obese. Like the father in the restaurant, many parents can’t convince their kids to eat well. It doesn’t help that junk food is sometimes a reward for acing a test or scoring a goal. The message: healthy food is for losers. On-demand snacking—in the car, at the mall, while out for a walk—appears to disrupt metabolism and circadian rhythms, as well as hormonal balance. That many parents carry with them a canteen of water and a stash of goodies wherever their kids go is further proof of how much they want to satisfy their children, literally and figuratively. “I don’t want them to get hypoglycemic,” one mom told Sax while lugging a cooler of snacks to her car for a 30-minute drive.
Contributing to the extraordinary weight gain among North American children in recent years is a dramatic decline in fitness. There is even a medical term for it, “deconditioning,” which is described in the Collapse of Parenting as a euphemism for “out of shape.” It has landed kids as young as 11 and 12 in the cardiologist’s office complaining of heart-disease symptoms including chest tightness and shortness of breath. In fact, some hospitals in the U.S. have even opened pediatric preventive cardiology clinics.
While children are less active than ever, they do not, ironically, get enough rest. A common question Sax asks students is, “What’s your favourite thing to do in your spare time, when you are by yourself with no one watching?” The most common answer in recent years: sleep. That’s because children are too busy with school assignments and extracurricular activities to go to bed at a good hour, or because when they get to bed, they are on their cellphone or computer, or playing video games.
This chronic fatigue may be associated with the rise of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and prescription drug use among children. “Sleep deprivation mimics ADHD almost perfectly,” writes Sax. In his experience as a doctor, insufficient sleep is one reason why kids are more likely to be diagnosed with the disorder. In general, “It is now easier to administer a pill prescribed by a board-certified physician, than to firmly instruct a child and impose consequences for bad behaviour.” Stephen Camarata, a professor of hearing and speech sciences and psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville echoes that point: “Parents say, ‘My child can’t do this particular exercise, they’re not paying attention,’ therefore I have to identify them as having a clinical condition.” A medical diagnosis might negate parental shortcomings or a child’s misbehaviour. “It displaces that failure,” he says.
Camarata worries that parents are asking too much of kids too soon, as he outlines in his latest book, The Intuitive Parent: Why the Best Thing For Your Child Is You. He points to the surge of books, toys and software marketed to parents of young children promising to accelerate learning. The ubiquitous metaphor that kids are information sponges has parents saturating them with educational exercises. “We’re treating them like little hard drives,” says Camarata, but “this idea of pushing children to the absolute max of their developmental norm doesn’t give them time to reason and problem-solve. It actually undermines both self-confidence and fluid reasoning, or the ability to think.”
Schools, too, have been focusing more on academic achievement than socialization. Sax documents how, 30 years ago, American students in kindergarten and Grade 1 learned “Fulghum’s rules,” which include tenets such as “Don’t take things that aren’t yours” and “Clean up your own mess” as well as “Share everything” and “Don’t hit people.” But since the 1980s, as other nations pulled ahead of the U.S. in scholastic performance, the primary objective of educators has become literacy and numeracy. In Canada too, says Neufeld, “we have lost our culture. Our society is far more concerned that you perform. Schools will always drift to outcome-based things.”
That’s partly why a “culture of disrespect” has sprouted in North America. As kids have become less attached to and influenced by the adults in their lives, same-age peers have come to matter more to them. It’s a theme in Neufeld’s book, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, co-authored by Dr. Gabor Maté. Young children “are not rational beings,” says Neufeld. Part of growing up is testing boundaries; little ones, by their very nature, can’t be relied on to hold each other accountable—nor should they.
“Kids are not born knowing right from wrong,” says Sax, pointing to longitudinal studies showing that children who are left to discover right from wrong on their own are more likely to have negative outcomes in the future: “That child in their late 20s is much more likely to be anxious, depressed, less likely to be gainfully employed, less likely to be healthy, more likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. We now know this,” he says. “Parents who are authoritative have better outcomes, and it’s a larger effect than the effect of race, ethnicity, household income or IQ.”
With stakes so high, authoritative parenting would seem imperative. But there is a psychological hurdle that people will have to overcome first, says Nair: “How to respect their child but also be the decider” of the family. Part of the challenge lies in the fact that parents don’t want to fail—at nurturing and governing simultaneously—and they certainly don’t want their children to fail in their personal development, in school and at social networking. These worries feed off each other in the minds of parents; that’s why parents second-guess the way they speak to their kids, what they feed them, how they discipline them and what activities they permit.
This is all the more true for the growing number of parents who delayed having children until they were “ready” with a secure job, a good home and a dependable partner. “People purposely wait so they can nail it,” says Bria Shantz, a 35-year-old mother of two in Vancouver. “That creates even more pressure. They want to get this perfect.” Shantz is, in fact, the daughter of Neufeld, and she has called upon him for advice or reassurance. That Shantz, who has a leading child psychologist in her family, one who helped raise her, can still occasionally succumb to parental insecurity, says everything about its potency: “There’s this slight panic. You want to do everything right,” she says. “Nothing prepares you for how much you want it to go well.”
Cathy Gulli gives voice to critics of a story gone viral:
So as soon as parents conceive, they begin amassing a library of books on how to deal with the fantastic chaos about to enter their lives in the form of a baby; the collection grows with each developmental stage. They subscribe to online newsletters and smartphone apps that alert them on milestones their children should reach by a certain age. From the outset, parents are tracking how quickly their child is growing, how much they are achieving. For every expert a parent consults by phone or in person, they’re also checking in with the virtual wise man, Google. That almost never helps.
There is no parental concern too obscure not to have an online group devoted to it. Shantz is part of one focused on “baby-wearing” because she’s trying to decide whether a “wrap” or a “ring sling” would be better for her nine-month-old. “It’s the weirdest site to be on. You see posts and you feel guilty because [parents] are carrying their babies everywhere, doing all these things, having this connection.” And yet Shantz hasn’t been able to delete herself from the group, even though she keeps meaning to; nor has she been able to pick between a wrap or sling.
That pull and push moms and dads feel—between caring about how other parents are raising their kids while rejecting the constant comparisons—defines this generation of parents for better and worse. Katie Hurley, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles and author of The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World, says, “We’ve been conditioned to question ourselves—to constantly look for information to make sure we’re doing it right. Because of that, parents are in a state of learned helplessness.” [tweet this]
So what are people supposed to do? The answer is so basic that at first it might seem unsatisfying: For starters, says Hurley, realize that “nobody knows what they’re doing when they leave the hospital with an infant. Every parent learns by trial and error”—every year of their child’s life, and with every child they raise. That’s as true today as it ever was, and parents who recognize this will shed some guilt and anxiety. Building on this idea, Nair says that parents must “have a higher tolerance for things not going well.” How they recover from their own occasional mistake, outburst, loss of patience or bad call may say more to a child than how they are in happy times. “We’re missing that opportunity, which is how learning works,” she says. “That’s how we become more confident.”
A significant portion of Sax’s book is devoted to the importance of parents modelling traits they want to encourage in their children. Chief among them, he says, should be humility and conscientiousness—which run counter to inflating a child’s self-esteem and sense of entitlement. To that end, he encourages parents to fortify their adult relationships so they are not overly concerned with pleasing their kids as a way of satisfying their own need for affection. Neufeld also urges parents, including his own adult children, to establish a network of surrogate caregivers—relatives, neighbours, daycare workers—who will not undermine their authority but back them up when they need help.
And invariably, they will. “Parenting is awfully frustrating and often a lonely place,” says Neufeld, especially when a child misbehaves. In those moments, he recommends parents reassure kids that their relationship isn’t broken. “When parents realize that they are their children’s best bet, it challenges them to their own maturity.” It gives them the confidence that they know what’s good for their kids, and that they should stand up to them—this is, in fact, an act of love required of parents. They become, in effect, the grown-ups their children need.
Last month I spent several hours with groups of parents, faculty, coaches and youth workers. It was eye opening, to say the least. Each conversation became a candid disclosure of the fears, the struggles and the preoccupation adults have with today’s youth. I made some observations along the way that may prove helpful to you. It became clear that over the course of a kids’ childhood, parents experience various stages as they lead their child. In each stage, their focus shifts. While the shifts are natural, they can lead to challenges in the relationship. If you are a parent, these may prove to be helpful to your own self-awareness. If you’re a teacher, coach, youth worker or employer, these stages might explain why your young people think and act the way they do. 
Do this instead, and they’ll be happier and more successful.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve been told to strive for balance. Yet I’ve noticed something interesting: The times in my life during which I’ve felt happiest and most alive are also the times that I’ve been the most unbalanced.
Legendary swimmer Cynthia “Sippy” Woodhead broke her first world record at age 14 and won a silver medal in the 1984 Olympics six years later. She now enjoys life on deck as a swim parent. Her 13-14 NAG records in the 200m and 400m free (1:58.53 and 4:07.15) from 1978 are the longest-standing records on the books for girls. Her 500y (4:49.51) 11-12 age group record held for 40 years and was broken earlier this year. Sippy’s 11-12 and 13-14 age group times are as fast or faster than many women’s times in college today. As a swim mom, I have fond memories from meets at the Sippy Woodhead Pool in Riverside, California.
So what are people supposed to do? The answer is so basic that at first it might seem unsatisfying: For starters, says Hurley, realize that “nobody knows what they’re doing when they leave the hospital with an infant. Every parent learns by trial and error”—every year of their child’s life, and with every child they raise. That’s as true today as it ever was, and parents who recognize this will shed some guilt and anxiety. Building on this idea, Nair says that parents must “have a higher tolerance for things not going well.” How they recover from their own occasional mistake, outburst, loss of patience or bad call may say more to a child than how they are in happy times. “We’re missing that opportunity, which is how learning works,” she says. “That’s how we become more confident.”