Adapted from an article written By Michael Brooks, Head Coach, York YMCA Swimming
NOTA BENE
WE all want what is best for the child. That is sometimes hard for coaches to understand. That is also sometimes hard for parents to understand. Much of the historical tension between coaches and parents can be avoided if we agree on two golden rules: first, let’s cut each other some slack and not jump on and over-react to the first unsubstantiated third-hand rumor that comes down the pike. And second, let’s communicate, often, and not just when we may have a problem.
SUPPORT, NOT PRESSURE
THE Rock of Gibraltar. As they succeed then fail then succeed again, kids will ride emotional roller-coasters. One of your most important functions as a swimming parent is to provide emotional support during the tough times, of which there will be many. Let them know that they are still loved, no matter how poorly they think they swam. And don’t let them get cocky when they win.
DON’T coach your kids. If the swimmer is hearing one story from his coach and another from his parent, we have one confused swimmer. A swimmer must have trust in his coach and in the program, and he will not if his parents are implicitly telling him that they know best. If you have concerns about the coaching or the coaching advice, talk to the coach directly. If in the end you feel that you cannot support the coach or the program, your best course is to find a team whose coach you trust. Your swimmer has a coach; she needs you to be a parent.
THE next Missy Franklin?? No matter how good your swimmer seems to be as a ten year old, don’t get your hopes too high. Don’t expect an Olympian (you are allowed to hope for an Olympian), and don’t judge his every move (or swim) by Olympian standards. In order to make it to the Olympics so many things over such a comparatively long time have to go right, so many decisions have to be made “correctly” (and can only be seen to be correct with hindsight), and so much plain good luck is required, that the odds are heavy against it. Further, many kids are physically talented, but few have the mental talent: the poise, drive, and persistence to develop the gifts they are given. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. As psychologist Howard Gruber, who has made a life-work out of studying great achievers, has argued, the difference between the very good and the truly great isn’t talent but much harder and consistent work.
IN praise of famous kids? Don’t puff up a 10-year old, or we will end up with a monster on our hands. Don’t get too impressed, don’t praise too highly – leave room for when they get a lot better. No matter how fast a child swims, it is still a child swimming, and the level of accomplishment is very low compared to how high she will reach five or ten years from now. Don’t treat him like a superstar, because the more you treat him like a superstar, the less likely he will become one. Pampered kids aren’t tough.
Similarly, be careful not to brag about your swimmer to other parents. No one likes to hear continuous talk about someone else’s kid, and if your swimmer is really good, it will be apparent to everyone without your having to tell them. Dale Carnegie said, “Talk about them, not about me.” Translate this into: “Talk about their swimmer, not about mine.”
EVERY Soviet victory a victory for Soviet socialist ideology? How your child swam in the 50 fly ten minutes ago is no reflection of your value as a person or as a parent. A first place ribbon does not validate your parenting techniques, or the quality of your genes. Alternately, a slow swim should not bring into question a family’s commitment, financial and otherwise, to a child’s swimming. Swimming is hard enough for a child without having to carry around her parents’ self-esteem on her shoulders when she races. Also remember that what goes around comes around. The better you allow yourself to feel about a victory now, the worse a loss will feel next meet, or the next event.
JEKYLL and Hyde. Coaches often undergo miraculous transformations. It is always interesting to watch parents’ changing attitudes and behavior towards the coach when their children are “succeeding” or “failing.” When the child swims well, the coach is a good chap and everyone’s happy. When the child bombs, the coach is an Untouchable who should not be looked in the eye. Sometimes this change occurs in the space of half an hour. Precious few parents treat me the same no matter how their children perform.
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