Advice For Swim Parents

BY MIKE GUSTAFSON//CORRESPONDENT

Every Monday I answer questions from swimmers around the country. Please take my advice with a grain of salt, as I am not a professional advice-giver, just a former collegiate swimmer and writer who loves the water. If you have a question, please email me at swimmingstories@gmail.com.

Hey Mike,

You write some great articles to help the swimmers with physical/mental/emotional obstacles. How about one for the parents?  Sometimes I think it's harder on us to watch our swimmer struggle with plateaus/injuries/competition/school-swim priorities than the swimmer themselves--and it's all because we don't have the control to fix it.  All swim parents love their kids and hate to see them struggle and be disappointed. Any words of wisdom-besides hug them/love them (which we do daily!)

Thanks

A Committed Swim Momma

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Hey Committed Swim Momma,

Your kid loses. She’s devastated. Not only that, she’s got a hurt shoulder. She maintains a smile during the rest of the meet, but when she goes home, she cries. She’s distraught. You’re the only person that sees this “side” of her – the side of vulnerability. You’re the one person who truly knows how much this sport means to her, and how much it hurts when things don’t go the right way.

You want to help. You want to say the right things. You want to fix her. You want to put together a blueprint: How We Can Begin To Get Better. You feel a little bit of pressure, since you know that not even your daughter’s best friends see your daughter’s “disappointed side.” At practice, everything is fine, or it seems that way, but you know your daughter is struggling. You can just tell. What can you do?

You already know, Committed Swim Momma. You already said so in your email. 

Hug them.  Love them.

This may not be the answer you are looking for, but I need to spend 800 words and explain why this is so vitally important. We all know love and support is the foundation for a healthy relationship. And yet, there seems to be this very, very fine line between “support” as in giving a hug and “support” when you decide to “fix” your swimmer (talking to the coach, giving technique tips, sending your daughter off to another swim club, etc..).

So many parents want to do more. They want to formulate that “blueprint” to fix their child. This arises out of love – no parent wants to see a child hurt. You want to protect them. You want to fix them. You want to encourage them.

But here’s the thing: That first step you begin to take beyond the love and support – beyond that daily huge and “I love you no matter what” post-race statement-of-support – that first step begins to trickle across that fine line between Supportive Parent and Overbearing Parent.

So this is a message to parents: You have to let go of some of the control. You want to fix your kid, but that’s what doctors are for. You want to encourage and coach your kid, but that’s what coaches are for. You want to be your kid’s best friend, but that’s what his or her friends are for.

Your job?

To hug. To love.

Certainly, there are times when a parent needs to get involved. If there is a major problem between coach and swimmer, for example. Or if your kid is hurt and the coach seems to be pushing your swimmer to the point beyond injury. You must protect the safety of your child. You must be eyes and ears, at all times, in every situation. Then, by all means, you must get involved.

But if the problems are swimming-related, you must let go. You must let the coach coach, the teammates encourage, and the scoreboard to be blunt about where your kid stands in terms of achieving his or her goals.

Letting go of control can be really, really hard. But let the rest of the world tell your child what he needs to improve. Let doctors tell her how she can be fixed. Let coaches tell her how she can get better. Let teammates tell her how she needs to adjust her attitude. Let the scoreboard tell her what her times are.

And, after this world has let your child know all those things, open your arms. Because you’re not the doctor, you’re not the coach, you’re not the teammate. You know what your job is in your kid’s life. Let her know that you love her, no matter what. 

Then give her a big, Committed Swim Momma hug.